Astrocloud

Let's just list them and discuss things that people shouldn't say to one another and that you have heard a) other's say, or b) you have said to someone else.

My significant other has made me promise never to use the word "Bitch" (in regards to her) ever again. It's pretty easy. If she nags me I say "could you please phrase that in a more positive way?" -It seems to work better than calling names or saying things like "Stop bitching at me".

Last night she said something to me. I'm feeling like it's inexcusable. She told me that she could "do better than me". She went off for like 10 minutes on this subject. By "better" she explained -she meant that she could find someone who makes more money. I just sat there and took it all in.

During her apology she tried to say that this was her way of telling me that she loves me. After all -she must love me if she stays with me while she can do better.

I don't think it's excusable. I'm thinking about letting her do better.

cyrnel

"You talk too much." might be one, unless perhaps in response to "I could do better than you."

Really, I don't know where to go with your example. It hits so many levels. The positive element is that she apologized. I'd be reading it based on prior experience. Is it getting better or worse? Trying or giving up? Do you talk bout it? In any case I understand your reaction. It's hard to deal with such a chop at the knees.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

la petite moi

I think saying anything without thinking first is inexcusable.

Your significant other crossed a big line saying that to you, but if she meant it positively, don't let it affect you too much. If she is going to find someone else, she'll do it. But for now, she's with you and that is all that should matter.

fresnelly

A big no-no is pointing out the attractiveness of others. For example: "We got a new receptionist today. She's really pretty, so I wonder if that's why the boss hired her."

Also, never agree outright with a negative self assessment. For example: "Ugh. My hair is just awful. Don't you think?" Tread very, very carefully here.

As to your predicament, that was a pretty low blow on her part. However, it's not totally inexcuseable, in the sense that forgiveness is how strong relationships last. A single insult, borne of frustration should not be the end of things. If this were a pattern on the other hand...

Completely aside, and without trying unduly influence you here, "I'm thinking about letting her do better." is an excellent line for a movie

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noodle

Astrocloud, I'm with you. If someone thinks they can do better in whatever type of relationship (work, friends, romantic, etc) exists, then what does that say about how they feel regarding the person they're involved with now?
I don't want anyone to "settle" for me if they think there's better out there. Go ahead, find it. The grass may be greener, but three-quarters of the time these days, it's astroturf. Here's my list of least favorites... I'll probably come up with more.

Are you really listening to me?
If I wasn't, would I have heard you ask that question?

Are you sure you want to do/say/wear that?
Why else would I be doing/saying/wearing it?

I only said/asked because all of the other women in my life have done/said _________ .
Do not compare me. I am not every other woman. I am me.

Well, FINE.
No, it's not. It's obviously not. And that's childish.

I don't know why you're with me.
There's obviously a reason, and if you have to ask yet again you're just not getting it. There are other ways to ask me why I'm with you that aren't fishing and don't second-guess my intelligence.

It's not you, it's me.
No, sweetie. We are in a relationship that involves two people. It may be you, but it's me as well. It takes at least two to continue to have one and if you want to continue, you'd best figure that out.

Do these pants/this shirt/etc make me look _______________?
Just don't. There is no right answer. And I'm not making light of it. I've had terrible fights over my answers to that loaded question, regardless of the flattering or unflattering nature of my response.

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Coppertop

"I think I'm pregnant."

Ladies, never, ever tell your boyfriend this. Tell him when you know, or say nothing.

Sweetpea

That's harsh. i've never said that to anyone... what your S.O. did is cruel in my opinion and does not show any signs of respect. What actions you choose to take due to this situation are your own, but that's not right how she treated you.

As the the things never to say to an S.O. (or a friend, or anyone i like/respect for that matter)

I'm very careful about the words i choose with people who are close to me. I do my best to always say things with respect and attention to their feelings... i find that this kind of perspective usually leads me to say even negative things that need to be addressed in a gentle way.


sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

ratbastid

From the perspective of this ten-years-married guy, the ONLY thing that's inexcusable is finding things to be inexcusable.

maleficent

If you're calling her a bitch on such a regular basis that she's asked you to stop doing so... and she's thinking that perhaps she can do better than you... then well perhaps you should go with what you're thinking is... Calling someone a bitch is wrong... Settling for someone -- or letting them know that they are settling is also wrong...


In my book, there are two things that should not be said...
1. Loaded questions... or rather questions asked that you really and truly don't want a completely truthful answer to... If you don't want to know the truth - Don't ask the question... If you want your ego stroked... say so...
2. No saying anything at all - Fine as an answer drives me nuts, and I'm very guilty of it - it's been ages since a relationship - but in my everyday dealings - my mindset is you have to pick your battles - not all battles should and could be fought - Fine is a concession to the other person - I can say fine and let it go -- not all people can - some people will say fine and then harbor a grudge for a while...

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Tamerlain

Me too. One of my highschool teacher's told me something about arguing with your lady that I still remember: "When you're going to say something, count to 5 before you say it." Basically, think before you open your mouth. It's easy to say something in the heat of the moment that you don't really mean.

And for laughs, let's include the obligatory-stereotypes: "Do I look fat in this?" and "Do you think that girl is pretty?"

-Tamerlain

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Gilda

I'm not going to disagree with you in regards to your relationship, but in mine pointing out how attractive other women are and exactly why is practically an avocation with us.

Again, I'm not going to disagree as regards your relationship, but when I ask a question about my appearance, I want to be told the truth so that I can fix it before I leave and others see it, or so that I'm not walking around at home all the time with a hairstyle Grace thinks is ugly.

You know what your problem is?: This will never produce a positive response. Criticism must be tempered with tact.

It's generally a good idea to phrase dissatisfaction within a relationship by using "I" statements. Instead of saying, "You're a foul-mouthed asshole," you can say, "I feel uncomfortable around you when you use language like that."

Gilda

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~Steven Colbert

SirLance

"Does this make me look fat?"

No, it's all those twinkies and potato chips that make you look fat...

"Nothing."

In response to "What's wrong" when we know damn well something is wrong, which is why we asked in the first place. But hey, I can pretend it's nothing.

Never call names.

If its down to name calling and I can do better, then maybe you two need to call it quits.

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Rodney

"Uh huh."

In response to a long, impassioned statement from the s.o. while you're trying to tie your shoes, change channels, brush your hair, or access a web site. Death. Usually followed by "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!"

"If you really loved me, you'd...."

You should never say this, and it should never be said to you (unless the follow-up is "pull me up so I don't fall to my death"). It's manipulation: the person in question is trying to win a point by emotional blackmail rather than serious discussion. They're saying, "Give me what I want, or you don't love me." It's emotional bullying -- maybe by somebody clueless and emotionally immature, but bullying nonetheless.

"When was your birthday again?"

Not a deal breaker, but it sure doesn't get you any points :-).

shesus

I couldn't imagine telling my SO that I could do better than him. I don't even know what would have to happen for me to say this. I think that if I did say this then I would be very unhappy and I would take action on that thought.

I also think that negative namecalling is a horrible thing to do in a relationship. Why would you do this to someone that you love?

I agree that loaded questions are bad. But everyone asks them. I know that I used to ask a lot of loaded questions. This was at the very beginning of the relationship when I felt insecure about where I stood and what he thought about me and us. I think that once the relationship becomes more mature and has open communication, the loaded questions diminish because of the relationship being more stable and better understood.

I can't think of anything unacceptable that is being said my relationship now. We know how to communicate with each other and do it well. We are not childish about our feelings and we think before we speak. I'm sure that I say some stupid things from time to time. Everyone makes faux pas from time to time in a conversation. However, respect, thoughtfulness, and self-confidence can diminish them from happening.

A lesson from childhood: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

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ryfo

i get ..'your right, its all my fault'. All that does is make me mad because its a way out of discussing a problem that needs discussing. its not a case of whose right and wrong, we just normally need to talk and agree on a decision. PS. 'you decide' is strongly disliked too

Sage

"That's stupid"
-said in response to anything your SO wants to do/likes to do/does as a hobby. NEVER EVER SAY SOMETHING IS STUPID, even if you don't like it. Try something new once in a while, it probably won't kill you (but if you go around saying things are stupid all the time, perhaps death is a happier existence for you).

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Gilda

Grace and I used to have a dueling "you decide" conversation about where to go or what to do at the beginning of our relationship, something like this:

Grace: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Gilda: Anywhere is fine with me.
Grace: Is there some place in particular you'd like to go?
Gilda: Where do you want to go?
Grace: The Roadhouse is good for me.
Gilda: Ok, let's go there.
Grace: Are you sure? We can go whereever you want to go.
Gilda: I want to go wherever would make you happy.
Grace: I don't want to go anyplace you're not going to like.
Gilda: I said the Roadhouse is ok with me.
Grace: But do you want to go there.
Gilda: I want to do whatever is going to make you happy.
Grace: What would make me happy is going someplace we would both enjoy.
Gilda: I'll enjoy whatever place you choose. I already said the Roadhouse is fine.
Grace: Yes, but you didn't sound very enthusiastic about it. Are you sure that's where you want to go?
Gilda: I want to go whereever . . .
Grace: I know, I get that. Where do you want to go? It's ok for you to have an opinion. I won't be upset.
Gilda: I want to go to the Roadhouse.
Grace: Would that be your first choice?
Gilda: Yes. You want to go there, so that's where I want to go.
Grace: No, I mean, if you had to decide where to go to eat by yourself, where would it be?
Gilda: I don't eat out by myself.
Grace: It's a hypothetical. Pretend you're with a date who doesn't know her way around and wants you to choose. Where would you want to go?
Gilda: The Outback.
Grace: Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Gilda: Because it would make me happier to go where you would be happy going than to go to where I want to go.
Grace: I want a place where we'd both enjoy ourselves.
Gilda: I already agreed to the Roadhouse.
Grace: That was just a suggestion. You can have your own opinion and it won't bother me.

Continue for another couple of minutes before we end up going to the Roadhouse, her irritated at me for not having an opinion, even though I'd quite clearly expressed one.

This is one of the small drawbacks of being with another woman. All of the guys I've dated would have been happy with my agreeing to their first choice.

Fortunately, we don't have this any more. When I'm in passive mode, which is most of the time, she just decides and we're both happy. It's a much better system.

Gilda

__________________
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~Steven Colbert

Rodney

The "s" word, I call it: NEVER to be used.

The "s" word has evil power. Because if it's hurled a lot on at a person or at things that they value, particularly if the person is vulnerable, they'll begin to believe that they deserve it. The "s" word can cripple souls and poison relationships.

Toaster126

I loathe being told to shut up, even jokingly. I would rather be racially slurred than hear someone tell me to shut up - and the two are not even close in terms of how upset they make me.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

snowy

"I don't care about (insert here)."

My SO said this once to me in the middle of a conversation we were having regarding my best friend. I was super-offended, because what he "didn't care about" was a vital point that made my best friend and I, well, best friends. After I dropped him off at work, I told him jerks can walk themselves home.

He later tried to make excuses that he was "just blunt" and I said that I didn't buy that. Either he had better learn some social graces or else he would be dealing with my hurt feelings--and I wasn't just going to settle for "I'm blunt." You CAN'T be blunt in a relationship. You can be HONEST, but bluntness, especially when it's interjected into a middle of a conversation, does not go over well. I also told him his statement, "I don't care about ---" suggests to me that he doesn't care about me, or what I care about. While this was not the case, I told him that he has to think about how what he says sounds to me, and how it makes me feel. That's part of what the "social graces" of being in a relationship are about.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

little_tippler

"Just shut up!"

"Fuck off/you!"

"Look, GO AWAY."

"Just go find someone else."

"I don't love you!"

"I understand you'll be hurt but I'm going to do what I want to anyway."

"Q: What about all the things you said? Why?
A: I don't know. Could you never see that I didn't love you?
A: No, I'm sure you did once. How could you say all those things and not? No.
A: Well you're stupid then."

"I don't care about..."

"Q: Why was everything so different in the beginning?
A: Because I wanted to have sex"

" I'm not attracted to you anymore. This will eventually cause us to break up!"

"Q: -Insert any meaningful/important question here -?
A: ......... (no answer, ignore, ignore, ignore, ad infinitum....)"

"When I realised that you did x, y , and z and that a, b, and c could never be part of our lives together, I realized I never loved you."

"I want someone more like her!" (referring to your best friend who all his mates were ogling on the beach)

"I really like you and I don't want us to break up, but I don't see a future for us. I don't see it. You're not the one for me, I'm sure."

__________________________________


in the end he wasn't meant to be my SO. Clearly. I see that now.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Charlatan

I suppose it is the nature of my own relationship that there are very few things we say that are inexcusable. We may say some mean things (though very rarely) but we both recognize (given time to cool down) that there was probably something else going on and that the words, while shitty, are excusable.

That said, there are ways of imparting meaning that do not have to be horrible. To use Astro's example, "I can do better than you" is a shitty thing to say. If she truly feels this way she should find someone better. On the other hand, if she is just disappointed by you, that is fixable. It seems to me, as a partner in a relationship this should be a time to exhort you better yourself.

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- Old Man Luedecke

Carno

Wow, those are really callous things to say to someone you care about.. Sorry you had to hear that shit.

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quadro2000

An excellent point. I am all too guilty of using the "s" word. I hate that I do it, and I try to revise it so I'm not calling her stupid but saying that I think the decision she's making is a stupid one (because I do think there's a difference), but I still slip up. The whole "count to 5" thing is a good suggestion as well. Too many times, shit slips out of my mouth and I wonder why I even said it in the first place.

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SERPENT7

I blame my dad for ingraining the evil 'S' word into my internal monolgue. I hear it every time i screw something up, and say it (usually only to myself, thankfully) EVERY TIME someone else does. Especialy the people i am closest to. How messed up is that, exactly?

savvypup

Oh Gilda!!! You've just cracked me up. Who can't relate to that. God damn I do that, too easy going I guess. Normally I'll say what I don't want to do/go etc and let the other person decide .... unless I have my heart set on something. But god damn, I hate it when others do it to me. A self trait I hate! Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

'There's something I need to tell you ......... but we'll have to talk later'
I don't like being left dangling. The element of surprise in any context works better for me.

__________________

ciao bella!

Master_Shake

http://img377.imageshack.us/my.php?image=atomic0tz.jpg

The atomic bomb.

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You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

noodle

Was/Is that it/all?

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Ustwo

You know ratbastid once you bring your left brain into your political viewpoints, we will be 100% in agreement on these boards.

(Thats a joke for the many humor impaired board members)

Words only have the power you assign to them.

Here is a fun example for you men (I wouldn't recommend it for boys) out there.

Ask your S.O. (assuming it’s a she) whats so bad about being called a cunt. Yes I'm talking about the 'c' word.
Ask her to logically explain why thats so horrible an insult. I did this with my wife many years ago, the conclusion being that women are taught to react violently to that word, but the word itself is pretty meaningless.

If you have true open communication, NOTHING can't be said.

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abaya

I agree. Being in a relationship is not so much about being thick-skinned (ktspktsp and I still get over-sensitive to some things), but it's about trusting that the other person means well and does love you, all of the time, even when he or she says something a bit out of character. Which means that even if she/he accidentally does let something not-nice slip out, it's important to communicate about it and find out where it came from or what one's reaction was all about, etc. It always goes both ways, if the communication system is in good order.

Then again, if they said something awful just to BE awful to you... well, the trust (and the relationship) isn't really there anyway.

Truly, Ustwo, you are an enigma.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

World's King

Seeing as how I just said this...


"You know, back when our relationship wasn't serious... "


I guess we had a different idea of what was goin' on.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

lurkette

I am, no surprise, in agreement with my hubby ratbastid on this one. I'm looking at all of the examples people give, and really, I could live with any of them. There are certain things that push our buttons more than others, and we generally steer clear of those when we're acting like adults, but even when we push those buttons, deliberately or accidentally, we each have room for the other to act like a fallible human being who says or does stupid things. Maybe it's that we both know that we each have a foundation of deep respect and adoration for the other, so all that other stuff isn't really "us" talking, it's the idiot scripts that start running when you're tired, annoyed, stressed, emotional, whatever. Anything he says or does that really gets me is more about my own reaction than his words, anyhow.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Carno

Um, so ratbastid could call you a stupid fucking moron who doesn't know jackshit about anything and who would improve the world by killing herself, and you would be fine with that as long as he were tired or stressed or angry when he said it?

Sorry, but there are just certain things that should never be said no matter how tired or stressed or angry a person is. And not just what I said above, but also things like, "fuck off/you" or "I could do better than you."

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raeanna74

Never complain to your guy about how much money he makes. Unless he won't work. But if he's working 40 hrs a week and isn't earning enough to play with then don't say a word. If you're both working full time and one or the other of you can get a second job, then by all means suggest it if it's needed but don't complain that he's not bringing home the bacon. It's a low blow to a guy I think.

Don't tell your girl "Stop being so emotional about stuff." It ain't gonna happen and will only make matters worse.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Willravel

"What would Jesus do?"
I hear crusifiction is quite painful... so if you want me to do the right thing, ask me to do the right thing. Don't ask me to walk in the footsetps of Christ unless you KNOW I can come back to life.

"My dad could do it."
Heh. I'm sure he could. I'm not daddy. You married me, not your daddy..a fact that I'm sure our daughter will appreciate some day. Your dad is a hell of a good guy, and we get along wonderfully, but he's not the bar I should be compared to on everything.

*any shouting*
Unless I'm far away, I'm not going to appreciate a sudden rise in volume. If you're mad, say your mad (I probably already know). Don't let the neighbors hear about our taxes or how much my job sucks.

"How can you eat that?"
Like this: *eats that*. See? All gone. I love weird food. If I want to have kitten meat with a sauce made from Egyptian dates and pepper from Peru, I'm going to have kitten meat with a sauce made from Egyptian dates and pepper from Peru. You should try it. It's delicious.

"Don't fart in church."
Alright, you win this one.

"I love Valentines day!!! Don't you?"
I shower you with as much gifts and attention as I can because I love you 365 days a year +1 on leap year. I would die for you, I live for you, and I devote my life to making you and our daughter happy. Valentines day is just another day that I love you, a day that happens to be devoted to making single people who don't want to be single consider suicide. I remember those days, so, for the sake of those single people who aren't happy being single, I won't celebrate Valentines day. Hershey's will have to survive on February 14th without me. Take solice in the fact that I worship you every day.

rainheart

Because there isn't a clear line, at some point this just becomes a form of censorship that is "agreed upon". I agree with the people here saying that there is no inexcusable thing to say to your significant other. They are words, and in a responsible relationship the things you say are worked out between you or you both decide to walk away from things.

Also the problem is, if you make a slip and say something that you both believe neither of you should say, then does that mean that your s.o. would feel justified in doing something worse to you in return? And would you let them do that because you feel guilty about what you said? Would you not notice if you started harbouring negative feelings towards them because of this?

Ustwo

Best thing I ever did was tell my wife she was being too emotional and not being logical. She realised I was correct and its helped quite a bit in those emotional times of the month. Mastering ones emotions is something that helps in a relationship and avoids those hurtful moments.

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Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

analog

In all honesty, this is one of those bullshit, nonsensical and illogical/irrational things that some people do.

It's not a psychological phenomena, it's people who take everything personally, who take everything as a personal attack. It's stupid (oh no, I said the word!), irrational, and emotionally immature to insist so. Saying that "[something] is stupid", like an idea, is not at all comparable to saying the person is stupid. As with anything, if that's your SO's only response to everything, then that's a specific problem with him, and has little to do with what specific word he's chosen to degrade you.

I don't know how this leap of logic got started, but it it's utterly ridiculous- picking a specific word and saying "if you say ______ is stupid, you're saying i'm stupid" is nonsense of the highest order. Again, i'm not talking about people who seem to use it as their only answer to everything, or for those who use it abusively (and lots of words can be used to cut people down, abusively).

snowy

The problem is that feelings aren't logical. They get hurt for very odd, seemingly stupid reasons sometimes. Emotions cannot be ruled by logic--so the emotional part of one's brain picks up on the stupid and translates it wrong, resulting in hurt feelings. Sometimes it's hard to override that. Either way, if you have a great SO (like I do) the simple explanation of your illogical brain (in this respect) usually results in a language correction.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Carno

I suppose you're right. Each situation does come with it's own set of qualifications, so I guess there isn't really any ultimate thing that should never be said. However, saying certain things to your SO would indicate a serious problem in your relationship, and I would wonder just how healthy the relationship is.

No, I would lose a lot of respect for a person if they resorted to "an eye for an eye." That's a pretty immature thing to do, and I try to avoid dating those people. I would never do that to my SO if she slipped up and said something that hurt me, and I would hope that she wouldn't either.

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