match000

The 'dont-care-what-others-think' is a mental confidence booster. It really is telling you to just be yourself, have fun, and most importantly, makes you CONFIDENT. If you are confident, no matter what type of social attitude you have (talk like a player, talk like a gentleman, talk like a nerd), you will come off strongly and people will listen and respect you.


Regarding the one-liners, they only carry you so far. I'm not a quick-witted person, but this can be sort of trained. For the natural players and socialites, it comes as ingrained, but for me I have had to build it slowly but surely. Its not really one-liners more so than how to respond properly to what verbal stimuli people give you; and you only can refine until you try and (fail) everytime you do so.

If you fire off a row of well-practiced one-liners, you will be a hit for as long as you fire them off. But when you are OUT, you will lose confidence since you *think* you are dead, and so usually this is when you overcompensate by trying to think of witty things on the fly and instead clam up alot.

Its better to just talk, chat, without trying to 'impress' them; if you are trying too hard it shows and makes you appear lower value (very bad socially). You come off as desperate and will be unattractive. Better to talk, throw in the one liners that you think of, and keep talking, and when a new one-liner pops up, use it, and this is how they get ingrained in you.

Gilda

match, zeraph: Thank you. I doubt that would work for me, but it may be helpful for someone else.

Keep up the updates, soma, I'm really enjoying this.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Toaster126

I think this is an important point you hit on. The vast majority of people who are "outgoing" or "extraverted" or "socialites" are that way because of the same reasons you aren't. The behaviours that make them comfortable and happy are just different than yours, so as they went through life they picked up a different skill set than you. Both sides of the coin start with ingrained personality traits and then go through life the best way they can. Failure happens to everybody. It makes us stronger and smarter if we use it to learn about the world around us and ourselves.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Martian

I'm going to address all of this.

In terms of not caring what others think, it's true. Basically, the theory is that you should be who you are and not change your behaviour on account of someone else. Those who will associate with you are the ones who are interested in knowing you for who you are and, ultimately, will be better friends to you.

It's not that you don't care about those people. It's more that you're not afraid of them and that you won't contain yourself to please them.

Note that this isn't a universal, though. In most situations there are social customs and rules of etiquette that need to be followed. It is sometimes necessary to modify your behaviour in order to conform to those rules, although the importance of conforming to a given convention is directly related to the importance of the convention itself.

I'd like to use your experience as an example, if you don't mind Gilda. At the party you attended before Christmas, you committed a breach of etiquette by eating the cucumbers set out to clear the palette. This isn't a particularly important custom, therefore there were little or no consequences for breaking. Perhaps some good natured ribbing, but nothing further.

Your hostess later attempted to take your picture, depsite your rather strong objections. That was a serious breach of etiquette and I should imagine cause a few people to think quite poorly of her.

As to the sense of humour, I like to think of a quick wit as a bit like manual dexterity. There is a degree of innate talent involved, but those who don't have it can develop it by practicing or working on it.

By all means, if you hear something that you consider to be a humourous response or observation, make note of it for later use. If you find yourself in a situation where that particular line would be in context, you can make use of it and take some of the work out of the whole thing.

However, part of it is just being able to come up with these things yourself and like anything, that only comes with practice. I developed my own wit by engaging in verbal 'sparring matches' of sorts in high school with friends, teachers, family members and just about anyone else who would be willing to partake of such an activity without taking it seriously. Since then, being able to lighten the mood with a joke or quip has served me well in just about any social situation you could care to think of. It's a display of intelligence and confidence, as well as a way to break tension.

Again, the internet is a wonderful resource for this, because you don't have to be nearly so snappy with it. You can practice the skill in an area where you don't have to worry about making a negative impression (due to the relaxed nature of communication online) and where responses aren't expected to be instantaneous. It's something that I would've dearly loved to have had in high school, but my access to it in those days was rather limited.

I'm sure we've all had those moments where we leave a situation and three hours later we think 'oh, I should've said that.' Developing that wit is simply a matter of practicing until you're able to come up with that remark three hours earlier.

match000 - Nobody is born quick-witted, although some do have a higher aptitude for it than others. Have you seen six year olds fight? Their rejoinders consist of phrases such as 'doodie-head'. The 'players and socialites', as you deem them, have simply had more practice at it. Although most won't admit it, there was a time when they were every bit as insecure.

I firmly believe that this is a skill that anyone can develop. Some take to it better than others, just like some naturally take to music or writing or sports better. But that I'm not Michael Jordan doesn't mean I can't play basketball. I may never achieve that level of aptitude and I may have to practice much more, but I can definitely play competently, if I practice. This holds true of anyone.

If all you say in a conversation are one-liners, you're missing the point. You don't have to make everyone laugh with everything you say. Knowing when to apply it is just as important as having it. It's more that a bit of humour can help to smooth rocky territory; if you commit any sort of a blunder, you can use a witty remark to help smooth any ruffled feathers.

Which isn't to say that's the only application. Having a sense of humour makes you fun to be around, which will make people want to be around you more. That's the point of the whole exercise, near as I can tell. The other side is that even the comedic legends aren't funny all the time and you don't have to be either.

Moderation is key in this as anything.

Excuse my rambling. Three hours of english class seems to have destroyed my ability to write coherently.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Gilda

Thanks. I don't want to hijack soma's thread any further, so I'll just think about it.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Martian

Feel free to send me private messages any time if you want clarification on anything I said. Or for any other reason, for that matter.

I'm sort of busy just now, so I may not get to them right away, but I'll respond as soon as I'm able.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

soma

Gilda, Please don't worry about hijacking this thread by posting your own stories. I shouldn't even be using the word hijack, because you wouldn't be. Anyone reading my stories or your stories (or anyone else's stories) can benefit, and the more people that benefit, the better.

UPDATE

Ok. Today, was decent. After class, I hung out at a club room like last week and started watching TV. Two people walked in after a while and they started watching with me. I though to myself: "Ok, time to get into GROUP social mode". I started talking to them, commenting on the TV program, and just hanging out. These people were complete strangers, and I'd have to say things went well. I made sure to keep the focus on the group. It was a small group, but a group nonetheless.

As I was leaving, I walked up one of them and asked: what was your name? He replied, and I extended my hand. I then told hime my name. I intentionally introduced myself to the person I had the most rapport with. ok. I should take a break here for a side note.

rapport is important. I've found it's easier to talk to people when building rapport is the first objective, even before keeping a conversation going. This sounds pretty weird, but... I guess it works. I can't quite put my finger on it, but this seems to be helping. I wish I could elaborate ...

So by visiting that club room today, I had a very successful social experience. I was quite pleased upon leaving.

Later that day, I planned to go to a club meeting later that night. Before going, I decided to google up some stuff on rapport and interpersonal communication skills. While surfing, I made a cheat sheet of important things I've learned related to developing social skills. After creating a list, I was trying to see how to change the order of what I had written to make it easier to remember. But what I soon noticed was that I had an acronym in front of me without changing the order of anything! It was completely by accident.

R apport
I nterested, not interesting
N ot caring about the opinions of others
G roup focus
O pen posture

The club meeting was ok. I just felt a bit reserved. The club is a bit cliquey I felt and ... I don't know. I was just very quiet and didn't feel ... all that great. But once the meeting ended, I think some of the people picked up on my feelings and tried to make me feel more welcome. That was nice of them. The good news though was that the whole not caring thing has been working really well. Even though I didn't speak up at this meeting, it helped me stay mostly calm during the meeting. I'm going to try to focus on the positive. This club meeting was a meeting for the board of the club and concerned members. The format of the meeting really didn't allow for a "Oh! Let's all get to know each other" time. So maybe that's why things didn't go too terribly well.

I have something else lined up tonight. Hopefully I'll do better, but I'll be going with people I know, so it might be harder to be ... social.

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

match000

ringo means apple in japanese.

little_tippler

So, a month later...updates?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918