soma

I've been shy all my life, but I've made it a goal of mine to eventually become, not just out going, but a full blown social butterfly. I've pretty much convinced myselft that being an introvert is fun, but that is not completely true. I'm just more comfortable being an introvert.

So in the coming weeks, I'm going to try very hard to be more social, meet new people and hopefully make some friends. I'm a college student by the way and I will be attending some clubs and events just to meet new people. I'll keep a record here where you guys can watch and comment on my progress. It'll be fun though. I'm sure I'll have alot of embarassing awkward social experiences to share, but that's fine. I think it's time I started cracking out of my shell.

So wish me luck, and please enjoy the stories.

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Rodney

Good luck! It's great to try new things.

Just remember (says the doddering old man, raising a bony, admonitory forefinger) : don't try so hard to fit in with a new crowd that you're not true to yourself or what you believe.

Redjake

I used to be a hardcore introvert, and still am partially, but I realized that not talking to people sucks. Around, say, circa 1998, (8th grade for me), I decided to just start talking to people as much as possible and talking in class (not out of turn, just whenever I could) and I haven't turned back since. It's a lot funner and you meet tons of new people. Also, I believe you become stronger and can handle new situations and experiences a lot better when you are a "social butterfly." You aren't afraid/uncomfortable with talking to strangers or people who are "higher up" than you. It takes practice but soon you'll get the hang of it and never turn back. I don't see how I was so quiet for all those years.

That being said, there is a time to be quiet and a time to be social. Make sure you don't mix these boundaries up!

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Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

soma

Ok. So, today I hung out in a club room and just started talking to the people there. I was fairly comfortable and managed to not be completely awkward. In fact, it was hardly awkward. We were playing a video game that I was familiar with, so I was ... in my element. Later today, I'm going to another club. It's like a meditation class. Seems pretty neat. I'm just trying everything I can right now.

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Having Girl Problems?

MEAD

I'm having a similar realization myself, its great to expand your horizons, get nice and scared, out of your element... and so on. Good Luck!

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Toaster126

Well... extraversion is positively cooralated with general adjustment and happiness. Is it causal? No, but I'm sure the traits we all think of when we try to be extraverts are mostly good ones.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

SecretMethod70

Perhaps I'm biased, but I disagree. I think society is more accepting of extraverts, but I don't think extraversion is any better than introversion. They're just different. But, if being introverted is making you unhappy, good luck and I look forward to hearing about your journey into extraversion

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Gilda

Good luck! If you think talking to people is going to make you a happier person, then by all means that's what you should do. I'll be reading your updates to see if there's anything in them that might help me. I've been trying the same thing.

Gilda

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~Steven Colbert

match000

Soma, I've been doing the same since the beginning of this semester. It's alot of fun, but alot of energy. I wouldn't call it "hard work", but it does take a toll on me. I'm not trying to be 'fake' and stuff, but it takes work to listen to people, just talk and talk about random things, etc. This includes doing it with girls too. In fact, lately I've been 'cold' approaching lots of girls haha.

Sometimes I'm tempted to just fall back, sit at home and play computer games (like I used to). Being an introvert is when you truly can just enjoy your own company or just those of a few select good friends. There is a good balance between introversion and extroversion that I am seeking, but to become good at extroversion I must throw myself at the extreme end: like you said, practicing towards being a 'social butterfly'.

I think the rewards will be well worth it.

Gilda

Congratulations match000! It's good to see people who are able to reach out beyond themselves like this.

Glda

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Sweetpea

well, good for you. Do whatever makes you happy

Why not start by coming to the Chicago meetup?

sweetpea

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soma

Ok, so here's another update. Two in one day? Crazy I know. I went to what was called the mindfullness club. We did meditation exercises and it was pretty relaxing. Afterwards, there was food and I mingled around a bit. Not very much, but this was the first time I've mingled alone ... EVER. It was good. I think I did alright. Got a few names, met a few new faces. I think I'm going back next week.

After eating dinner with my GF, we went out bowling with some folks. It was good. After bowling, we went out to eat. I participated in the conversation taking place... I don't know what got a hold of me really. but yeah, things just started to work out. I think I was just feeding off the other social things I was doing earlier that day. Usually, my life consists mainly of surfing the internet while listening to music. When I go out with people, it's like fish out of water. I'm completely not used to being away from my computer and clam way the hell up. But not today.

OBSERVATION:
One thing I've noticed is this. Actually, I think this might be a big factor in any breakthroughs I make down the road. But anyway, here goes. Ok. So, I've been an introvert all my life. Whenever making conversation with people, it would usually be with people close to me. Perhaps a class mate sitting right next to me, that sort of thing. Anyway, in social situations, having miniconversations with the person next to you isn't always a good idea. This may not be true, but I seem to notice that. Let me explain further. Whenever I try to start a conversation in a group social setting with another person, I always get a not so great response. I never understood why, and just assumed there was something terribly terribly wrong with me, but what I've recently learned is that this is for a different reason. In group social settings, you're supposed to be part of that group and ... be in that group. So instead of quietly trying to start a conversation with someone on the side, you start a conversation with the person sitting at the other end of the table, so EVERYONE can be involved in the conversation. If you are like what i used to be and have difficulty speaking up, just do it. Basically. It's sounds stupid, but it's absolutely true. I don't have a loud voice or anything like that, but have learned if you just start talking (when there is a pause in conversation) people will listen. I've always been afraid of talking in large groups because I feel there is a possibility people won't pay attention to me (= rejection = salt rubbed in a lifetime of past emotional wounds).

Anyway, to summarize the above paragraph: When in a group social setting, you have to be a part of the group. You have to work your way from the group, down to individuals, not the other way around.

Does what I'm saying make sense? Have other people noticed the same thing? I want to bounce ideas off the TFP to hear some opinions on .. general social behavior. But the problem with that is that most people learned these things looooong ago, so everything is too natural to even think about. Ah well. Posting = good.

Happy weekend btw.

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Toaster126

I'm not sure if this was directed at me or not, so I'll go ahead and clarify my comment anyway.

I wasn't saying that one is inherently "better" than the other, I was just saying studies on happiness show that extroverts are more likely to report higher levels of happiness. In my human personality and adjustment class, we also explored the idea that extraversion was more accepted in Western society. One could make a point that the virtues of intraversion would be more accepted in the Eastern world.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Sultana

I think it's fantastic that you're growing in a very obvious way! It's brave and exciting, and you already appear to be very successful. Please do continue with the updates, I'll be looking forward to them in a big way.

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My goal? To fulfill my potential.

match000

Well, I had known this even before I started being 'social'. I think these are just the basics to even interact with people in groups. To be a social butterfly means MUCH more; you have to be able to not only address the group properly (like you said above) but actually make people laugh, respect, and listen to you successfully.

When I am in a group, its like a game; each person has an attention-o-meter and that means when I speak I pay attention to each person. If someone looks bored or put off that I am talking, I put my full eye contact on them to re-engage them into the group; I then shift my eyes around from person to person, speaking to each person, so that the attention-o-meters of each person remains high and steady.

This is just the basics; when you get good you have to be able to joke around with people in the group while addressing the entire group at once.

Regarding talking to people seperately in a group as you mentioned:
If someone obviously is speaking to the whole group, telling a story or making a joke, it is kind of rude to turn aside and start a side conversation with someone beside you, ESPECIALLY if that person is listening attentively to the speaker. You have to watch their reaction, if you do decide to start a side conversation. You say one line, and see how they react; if they respond with something that engages you and keeps the conversation going, thats a green light. If they say "Uh huh" or "Ok" or "thats cool" that means "Fuck off I'm trying to listen to this guy, you're annoying me".

I'm always really annoyed by certain classmates of mine who have NO social skills; they always keep blabbing to me when I'm trying to listen to someone speak (another friend or the professor or something), and its SO annoying. You have to keep this to a minimum.

match000

Here's something you should try:

Go out with a friend who is either very social (not in the fake, business sense but just an all around great guy that people love to be with), or with a friend who is a total player.

Both of these types are EXCELLENT social butterflies; I have learned alot by just being with these guys.

With the social friend, you learn more social etiquette as you mentioned, and also how to be caring, compassionate, yet confident in a group.

With the player, you learn how to joke around, interact with girls in a flirty way, and also how to be buddy-buddy with guys who you just meet.

Martian

There's a question that's remained unasked, so I feel bound to ask it now.

Why do you want to change?

The thing is, some people are introverted by nature and there's nothing wrong with that. In extreme cases, it can impede living your life (social anxiety), in which case change is clearly desirable. Other than that.. well, it's okay to want to change and I'm not meaning to imply otherwise. But the question to ask is whether you think changing is going to make you a happier person. Are you doing this for yourself, or because it's what's expected of you?

Never change who you are for someone else. It's not worth it.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Gilda

soma: Thanks for the updates and for the insights. I have a party coming up that I've been absolutely dreading, and some of that might be a little helpful.

I'll be reading further updates. It's so nice to see someone setting a goal like this and being able to move out into the place where they want to be.

Gilda

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~Steven Colbert

match000

I'm doing it because I am tired of not being able to be the life of a party, or leading a group in conversation.

I'm tired of meeting new people, but not be able to start a conversation beyond something boring like what we study. I'm tired of having boring conversations that degenerate into informal interviews: "whats your name, whats your major, what year are you, how old are you, boring shstuff like that"

I'm doing it because in the future I wish to be a business manager, an executive, and a leader, and in order to do so, I need to learn those skills now.

Last but not least, alot of what we are talking about (being extroverted and social) helps to get the ladies

Weighing the pluses and minuses, this is something I wish to have; being introverted is something I can always fall back on in any case. Learning to be social is nothing but a plus, in my books.

match000

I've been thinking...

That inherently somehow what we are NOT we believe will fill us. We always seek what we don't have.

In the case of this thread, we don't have 'socialness'. So it will be the 'filler' that completes our lives.

However, once we attain it, we'll just find something else we lack, or that if we DO attain it, we have to trade off something else we ALREADY have in return. We will never be satisfied.

Life is a giant balancing act; we trade-off what we value against what we value less. In the end, we have to realize that the past decisions we made were the best ones we could have made for ourselves at the time, and that we just have to accept who we are.

This does not mean to say self-improvement is not valuable, but simply that we need to take it all in stride and just be content with how we are, despite our constant evolution (hopefully towards the 'better', however it is defined for each person).

Sultana

Of course. We don't need to seek for something we already have.

It's called growth. Initially in life all we want is food. Then we grow more aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and we want to be changed (literally ). Eventually we want more, and that motivates our desire for independance, which stimulates growth.

I don't quite understand why you are making an arguement for remaining the same when the OP is articulatly addressing his desire, motivation, and successful results for change in his life.

Also, I can't recall that many folks decide to be less socially adept as a avenue of growth in their life. It's just not viewed that way, which I think illustrates the perception of being socially adept as a good and useful skill.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

SecretMethod70

Well, I don't think match is questioning the value of soma's intentions. What he is getting at, I think, is that people tend to always think that there is something they are missing which they believe will "fill" them...in this case, extraversion. And, his point is, once extraversion is achieved, it is unlikely to fulfill whatever need the person is trying to fulfill: basically, the quest for eudaimonia. This is not to say that extraversion or seeking to become extraverted is a bad thing, only that it is often sought by unhappy introverts thinking that it will make them happy. It is easy for introverts to look at the ease with which extraverts socialize and interpret that as happiness, and then attribute that happiness to that ease in socializing. Truth is, neither state is more likely to breed content. Match, as far as I can tell, is also not making any argument for choosing to be "less socially adept." Introversion is *not* a lack of sociability. It is simply a different method of socializing. Introverts tend to have fewer, but more intense friendships for example. Extraverts tend to have less intense, but far more numerous friendships. I'm not willing to say one is better than the other. In short, I think what match is getting at is that extraversion is often sought as an answer to a problem, but it is not. This isn't to say that it's a bad thing for one to make an effort to become more extraverted, and match makes it clear that he doesn't think this either by pointing out that he is choosing to try and be more extraverted as well. It is only to say that one should be sure and evaluate the reasons for doing so.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Gilda

I disagree with this part. Introversion is being less sociable; that's pretty much the definition. Also, having fewer friendships doesn't imply that they are more intense. The same lack of social skills can lead to difficulty in getting close to those aquaintances who are available for potential friendships.

I'm not saying this is true of all, but it certainly is of some.

Gilda

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

match000

Sultana, good points of discussion. You are right that self-improvement is simly personal growth, and that of course we shouldn't seek to impede our personal growth. However, I wasn't arguing for thus, or that we should stop trying to improve socially if we are not.

Secretmethod took the very words right out of my mouth. That is EXACTLY what I mean but with much much more insight!


Gilda, it is true that *some* introverted people, because they are less 'social', do not have that many good friendships period, no matter how few or how many.

But there are other types of introverted people, who I know, including myself, who are more of what Secretmethod described: people who prefer to only know a few, but always hang out with the same few. That is, I am close friends with a select few, and all my 'social' energy is spent on them rather than 'spread out' amongst a whole bunch of people (but the latter is what I am improving on, as I posted earlier, but of course, that comes at the cost of less time. In my case, not less time with my closest friends, but less time studying. Hence my shit performance in school thus far this semester).

Toaster126

Shyness and introversion aren't the same thing.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Sweetpea

I can be introverted at times, an urge i try to quell as i think it holds me back from doing things i would like.

Soma: thank you for the updates thus far... i'm finding this thread very interesting and learning from it, so please continue letting us know

Sweetpea

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soma

RESPONSE

First of all, sorry for the late response and lack of updates in the last week (I had my first round of midterms).

Ok. Martian, this post had me thinking quite a bit and really question myself. I had actually written a response to this post on Thursday night which was lost after my computer froze (that was very frustrating). But I'm starting again now.

Well, you pretty much nailed it. I'm doing this in part for my GF. Actually... Let me explain. In terms of social....-ness, my GF and I are complete opposites. She hasn't directly said that she wants me to be more social, but being around her basically shows me all that I'm missing out on. Ignorance is bliss (or at least it was...). I get depressed when I think of how very very very few friends I have, and being with her is a constant reminder of that. It's sad.

Let me dig a little deeper. I'm also quite quite socially awkward. Or at least I can be. There are times when I do fine in social situations, and there are other times when I absolutely crash and burn. I know we all have our ups and downs, but I have more downs than the normal person. So many downs in fact, that it gets in the way of daily life. In high school, I was pretty much clueless and never developed any social skills at all. College has helped a lot, but I still have a very long way to go.

So to answer your question, I'm doing this to improve myself and to start living my life again. I'm the biggest fan of not having friends and being socially awkward a lot. It's just not fun. Even if this whole quest was initiated (indirectly) by my GF, the biggest benefactor will still be me. And I don't have a whole lot to lose (the risk reward ratio is too good to pass up) .

To those who have said that I only want what I can't have, don't get me wrong, I see your point, but hear this: I believe that a person's happiness is directly proportional to the amount of healthy relationships he/she has with other people. I consider this as fact. And by building stronger and healthier relationships, maybe just maybe I will live a happier and more fulfilling life. Or maybe, if I do accomplish these goals of mine, I will only become complacent with things again... Oh, life.

UPDATE

I know a fair amount of people from classes that I study/do hw with, but outside of class, the number of friends I have takes a dive. I've tried reaching out to class friends and making them into more than just class friends. The first step was to start using chat. It was a small step, but I think it helps. I can have conversations online with people I don't know all that well, and it's far less awkward because it's online. It also keeps me occupied when I'm alone and depressing thoughts can creep up on me. That's a plus.

Another thing I've learned in a big way is that in social situations, it's a lot easier when you are interested in the person you are with. Asking them questions and really trying to get to know who the person is really helps. I hope I don't come off as un-genuine when I try to be interested, but the results so far have been good. This seems really obvious. I've heard this before but never really tried it, but after doing so, I've found how true it is. I believe the saying goes: be interested, not interesting.

I think this was due more to sheer luck than to the my efforts to become a social butterfly, but FRI, SAT, and SUN I've arranged to do things with people. Actually, the FRI and SAT arrangements are due entirely to chance, but I will take credit for the SUN one. I made a conscious effort to go further with a class-friend, and I might even meet more people there too. Yay.

I've made it a goal of mine to join the on campus running club to A: stay in shape and B: to meet some folks. They run 4 miles minimum each meeting, so I have to work my way up a bit before I can join. I'll post when I join. Other than that, there are very few clubs on campus that interest me. But I'll keep looking.

QUESTION

Ok, this has been bugging me for a while. Whenever I'm with two people I know, and they don't know each other, I introduce them IMMEDIATELY. This makes things less awkward, and I would hope the two people appreciate my doing this. But it seems, whenever I'm with one person I know, and another person I don't know, but the person I'm with does know (that sounded waaay more complicated than it really is) I never get introductions. I don't know why... And then I feel too awkward to introduce myself. What generally is the way this should go? If I'm not introduced to someone, should I take this as a cue to back off, or to go over there and say hi. Is it hard for people to introduce other people? Is that why people don't do it sometimes? Also, how would this change when there is one new person, and a group of people?

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Sultana

I've stopped waiting for other people to give me what I want...I just go and introduce myself, with an outstretched hand and a smile. Why wait? Why let someone else dictate whether I get to make a good first impression?

Sometimes people are just not socially adept enough to make introductions properly. They don't know to do it, or don't know how. So show them.

I'm so glad things are working out for you, I *really* am! You are taking responsibility for your own happiness.
*heart swells*

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

joemc91

SOMA: Kudos on working on this. I waited until I was out of college and I'm kicking myself now because of it. For introductions, if you're not introduced, just do it yourself. I think it is rude to not introduce someone you are with. The work you are doing now will help you hugely when you finish school.

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Gilda

It is for me. I don't know how, so if I were to try, I'd be risking doing it wrong and thus insulting or offending someone.

I would never just introduce myself. I don't have nearly the courage for that. I'd prefer to be left alone unnoticed by myself.

To answer your question, I don't because I'm shy and don't know how. Maybe this is why with some others?

Gilda

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Spiffgirl

Thanks to everyone who posted in this thread...social anxiety and shyness is something I've struggled with forever, and it's encouraging to know I'm not the only one :-) It's so easy to feel like a freak of nature when everyone else around you seems so uninhibited to talk and make friends.
Hang in there, Soma! I'm sure your efforts will be totally worth it.

abaya

Very interesting thread, and kudos to you for making yourself uncomfortable on a regular basis. I think this process is key to personal growth, though it sucks a lot when you're going through it. Keep at it.

Personally, I am an introvert who can be socially adept, in the right crowd. Generally I dislike crowds of any kind; I love a quiet night out (or in) with a few people I know. But if I am obliged to spend time in a crowd, I try quickly to pick out one or two people to get to know and focus on them. Social settings where I really suffer (e.g. withdraw, get up and leave, etc) are the ones where groups are set on making inside jokes, making fun of everyone, assuming everyone is the same and not actually getting to know individuals, etc. I hate those kinds of settings and I don't even try to be socially adept there.

That said, I wanted to comment on the introducing question. I always try hard to introduce whomever I'm with, since I don't want them feeling left out of the conversation. The only time I do not introduce someone is if the exchange is very quick (Hi, good to see you, bye), in passing... then I don't see the worth in introducing, since there won't be time for a conversation anyway.

If I am the stranger to the situation and my host does not introduce me within, say, 3-5 minutes of the conversation's beginning, at the first pause I will stick out my hand and say a bit non-chalantly, "Sorry, I didn't get your name..." then get their name, and say, "Okay, cool, nice to meet you. I'm abaya." At that point, usually my host will realize what a cad he/she has been, and apologize for not introducing us. Everyong chuckles a bit and the conversation moves on.

Let us know how it goes for you...

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Martian

The trick is to seperate the concept of introversion from the concept of being socially awkward. I am most definitely the former; I have few close friends, although there are a lot of people I would term acquaintances. I am not, however, the latter. I know the rules, I know my strengths and in the occasional situation where I'm not confident I can usually fake it really well anyway.

My question was meant to get you thinking. I don't consider change to be good or bad, except on the individual level. If you truly believe that this will contribute to your happiness and well-being, you have my full support. I just wanted you to make sure that you do believe that. That you're not doing it because your girlfriend wants you to or your friends expect you to.

In terms of specific introductions, it's a formality that has lapsed recently. I do always make introductions, but I'm also anachronistic in a lot of ways; most people don't anymore. In that situation, you're usually best off to do it yourself. Nobody will ever get upset with you for introducing yourself. Step forward, say 'hi, I'm...' and offer your hand or do whatever it is people do in your social circles.

Online chat is an excellent way to get a good handle on social conventions for two reasons. The first is that it's more relaxed in general and aside from that, you have time to consider your responses and formulate them in whatever way you deem appropriate.

One further piece of advice: cultivate a sense of humour if you don't have one already. What I mean by that is that you should learn how to fire off a one-liner or quip where appropriate. It's a very useful skill; if you can handle it, in the situation where you do make a social gaffe, you can remedy it with a bit of deftly applied humour. This is a technique that's served me well in nearly all areas of life.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

match000

Great suggestion, Martian. I actually just bought a book on comedy writing, but where else do you suggest learning this?

soma

UPDATE

Last night, I made an effort to reach out to a cafetaria buddy. I didn't expect to eat dinner with him, but I did. We've eaten together but haven't done anything else together beyond that. We talked over dinner, and instead of ending things after dinner ended, I invited him to watch some Family Guy in my room. We watched a few episodes, chatted, and then we went to his room to play some video games. This is the first time I've been in someone else's dorm in a long time.

Afterwards, we went to a poker tournament with another friend in the dorm. There were a bunch of tables, and I intentionally went to a table full of strangers. All of the players at my table were very socially adept. From the start, I felt fairly comfortable, but as the night went on, I started to clam up more and more. It was wierd. I just couldn't jump in and talk with these guys. It was a group setting, so side conversations were a no-no, but I just couldn't really say anything. Hmm... I was pretty quiet the whole time. If I can nail group conversation, I KNOW it can take me very very far. I did fine when I was one-on-one with my cafetaria buddy, but at the poker table, I was pretty quiet. I guess it's a good thing that I have identified a very specific social skill I need to develop in order to accomplish my goals.

While playing poker, I constantly reminded myself that: "I don't care about what these people think about me". It's been something I've been working on, and it seems to be helping. I used to be very very concerned about how people perceive me, but it's starting to fade away. More quickly than I expected, and all I'm doing is just thinking to myself: "I don't care about what these people think about me". Another thing I've been working on is being less sensative. Even if someone refers to me as a bastard/bitch/punk casually, I would get deeply deeply hurt. But recently, I've been trying to thicken my skin by just again telling myself "I don't care about what these people think about me". This helped me get through that game of poker fairly comfortably, but I still felt a bit awkward there just because the people I was playing with were all so ... cool. I'm not used to that.

After I was finished playing, instead of saying something like: "it was fun playing with you guys" I just sort of creeped away. I hated doing this because A: It can come off as rude to not aknowlege these people after playing with them, and B: it's a bit awkward for me to ignore them and just creep away. Ergh. I hate that. The thing is, I never really established myself as a talker at the table, so it would be weird for me to finally speak up and say something when I left. So I guess I need to work on that. It was sort of weird though. As I said, I hadn't established myself as a talker at the table, so no one was really expecting me to say anything. It was hard to find a break in conversation and just say something. Well, there is a semi awkward moment to share. I promised stories that would be enjoyable, right?

All in all, I think it was a great night. Probably the best series of social experiences I've had in a long time. At that poker table, I DEFINITELY realized that I'm REALLY missing out on a lot by being a social recluse. If I could more easily just talk with strangers and hang out, that would be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to my continued improvement.

Note: I think I changed tenses about 1million times in this post. If it sucks to read, I apologize for my poor writing skills. But I'm an engineering major writing more in numbers than letters

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Gilda

Congratulations, it sounds like you took quite the emotional risk there and it seems to have paid off. I'm a little bit envious .

Hmmm. This is what the people trying to help me become more assertive tell me, that I shouldn't care what others think about me. It doesn't make sense to me. If the purpose of being more social is to connect with other people, how can you do that without caring what they think of you? I mean, what would be the point of connecting with people if you don't care about each other? Could that actually be called a connection?

Just questions that hit me. It seems to me that there's no reason to be social if you don't care about other people or what they think of you.

Martian: How does that work? Do you memorize a bunch of good one-liners and then wait for the opportunity to use them? Some of us don't think well on our feet.

Gilda

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Sweetpea

I don't know why everyone doesn't do that... I happen to always introduce people. it puts everyone at ease. however, when it does happen to me... and i'm feeling all awkward, i just put a smile on, walk up and say hello, blah, blah. It's not easy... but it does cut the tension right away.

I think when ppl don't introduce you, it's not that they want you to back off.. it's just that some people don't even think about it, it's more of a habit than anything. if it happens, don't take it personal (not saying you were) just let it roll off you and pick the ball up where they dropped it and do your own introduction.

you're making a lot of progress btw

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

oberon

soma, I was in your position 2 years ago. One day I decided I was tired of it, and went out with some friends. I've never looked back. Not that I'm a total extrovert now, nor will I ever be, but I'm much less of an introvert than I used to be. It's a nice feeling, as long as you can still be yourself. Social interaction can be a lot of fun... just take it one step at a time.

By the way: your attitude "I don't care what people think about me" is the way to go. EIther they will like you or they won't. The former is great, the latter.. well.. who cares? See also my signature.

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Zeraph

The "don't care about what other people think of me" is an oversimplified version of a more complex attitude. It's not that you don't care, it's more like (hmm this is hard to explain) you don't let other people ruin your fun. Don't care in that don't let others make you uncomfortable/shy/cowardly/whatever just because. Don't care if youre awkward (or rather don't care if they think youre awkward). I think really it's more like "Don't care about what you think that they think (in negative aspect) about you."

Heh hope that didn't just make things more confusing.