Ask Baraka_Guru
 

Greetings, dear readers.

Some of you have travelled far to reach me, while others live right under my bed! Regardless, I will treat you all as my equals on this lifelong journey of understanding.

Ask me those questions that haunt you in your sleep and taunt you during the waking hours, and I promise to impart my...er..."wisdom"—yes....wisdom! :surprised:—unto you.

What is it you wish to know?

How many spaces after a period, Guru?

Ah, my good Willravel, a fine question.

The number of spaces after a period may be calculated by means of retroactively counting the number of times the space bar was pressed immediately after the period in question. Be careful, however, as the space bar needn't have been pressed immediately following the time period the period was pressed. Failing that, one can measure the spaces by using the cursor keys! (Use both left and right as corrective measures for double-checking, if need be.) Fantastic, technology today, no?

What kind of hair care product / pant tightness combination do I need to use to attract a mate who has good credit?

Why did my favorite author, Stephen King, self-title himself as the literary equivalent of fast food?

What's the quickest trick to sounding authoritative in an adult conversation? Does it involve education?

when will pigs fly oh Master

Can I come out from under your bed now?

Is it better to burn out, or to fade away?

My, my, hey, hey.

Crompsie....my. main. man. ...what's up?

The hair-care-product-to-pant-tightness ratio should never be overlooked! You may find an excellent article covering this topic here:
http://www.gigaloagogo.com/from-hair...underwear.html.

However, to summarize, you want to ensure that your hair care product, when dried, has about the same consistency and hardness as your tightpants. The one exception is when wearing wonderpants, in which case always ensure you match the fragrances of each.

He's cheap, hot, and fast. Just like any good book title (and meal, for that matter).

First of all, education is overrated. If one could uneducate, I would recommend that wholesale. But here we are, stuck educated to some degree or another.

Either way, sounding authoritative in an adult conversation is a snap. I recommend, from now on, the "authoritative conversationalist sandwich":

Presto, you're an authority! Just use your buns with confidence!

---------- Post added at 03:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:37 PM ----------

Swine flew, my friend. Swine flew pandemically.

No.

Burning out, because fading away is something best left to colour washables.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Tell me, good Baraka_Guru, where is the light at the end of this tunnel?

Three.

(...fucking owl.... :skeptical:)

---------- Post added at 04:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:05 PM ----------

This is a misleading mystery, my dear P.o.A. It isn't so much as where, as it is what? :eek:

I am uneducated. Magpie suggested that I should go on that show, the 5th Grader one with Colin Mochrie instead of Jeff Foxworthy. When she puts it on the television I know most of the answers and have a habit of making snide comments about people who don't know things like how many syllables are in the word displayed. I contend that they wouldn't let me through the doors -- they need people with degrees and such, to make fools of. A high school dropout/aspiring musician isn't expected to be smart, which would mean I'd have to win to be interesting, and the odds are against that despite my firm grasp of grade school fundamentals.

I am terrible with geography.

I suppose I should ask another question. Very well.

What's the best way to remove blood stains from a white t-shirt?

A purely academic question, you understand.

Your wisdom has already changed my view of the world...

This answers my question so completely that I will forever be lacking of questions. For the rest of my days I will wonder aimlessly armed only with answers.

---------- Post added at 01:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:16 PM ----------

False alarm, I thought of one.

Why is it that people didn't like Star Trek Generations?

Thank you for your insight, Martian. I always say, insight is better than incite.

I get this question all the time. It is mainly because it is actually quite difficult, especially when it comes to certain materials such as silks, linens, and other delicates. However, the following steps can be applied to any white t-shirt:

1. Remove garment from the injured party, fresh corpse, or cadaver.
2. Inspect closely for any excess gore, and remove carefully, yet promptly.
3. Presoak the garment for 10 minutes in a cold wash of salt water, with a dash of fresh-ground pepper.
4. Go to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of soda water. If there isn't any available in bottles, cans will do. Cans aren't desirable, however, because you usually have to buy 12s or 24s, which is more than you need for your purpose. As long as it's soda water, you're fine. Tonic water won't work because of the sugar content, and Sprite is right out.
5. Now, pick up a few more items before checking out, otherwise you'll look suspicious purchasing soda water and nothing else. I mean, who does that unless you have a bloodied garment? So pick up some chocolate, maybe some beef jerky, some oranges, and maybe a fresh loaf of bread. The key is to distract the cashier away from the soda water. This will help you keep your nerves down as well.
6. Next, wring the salt-water solution out of the garment and proceed to rub soda water directly into the bloodstain using a sponge.
7. Okay, by now you'll realize you have no sponge. Don't panic. Just run back to the grocery store and keep eye contact with the cashier to a minimum. Don't even think about picking up any "cover items," because you'll look stupid having "forgotten" so many items. Just smile and nod, but don't say anything.
8. Once you have rubbed the soda water in thoroughly, take the garment down to your local laundromat because you don't want that stanky thing in your own machines. Be sure to use a bunch of bleach packets from the vending machine.
9. Be discreet, because you'll be washing the garment on its own, right?
10. At all costs, don't leave the machine unattended.

And voila. Your shirt should be sparklie white once again! Just be sure to keep it away from the mess you left in your apartment.

---------- Post added at 04:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:25 PM ----------

It's because they had ears. And possibly eyes.

And both are better then Enzyte.

But none are as good as entice...

Your advice is invaluable, Mr. Guru. Or would be if I needed to remove bloodstains from a white t-shirt, which of course I don't.

Follow-up question: What's the best way to remove a body from an apartment building during daylight hours? Or failing that, how does one hide a body from one's SO in a small one bedroom apartment, until such time as it may be removed safely?

Again, purely hypothetical.

Here's a hard one:

What's with the Leafs?

What, dear Baraka, is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Hypothetically speaking [;)], the best way to remove a body during daylight hours is by using a gurney. However, the best way to hide it from your SO in a small apartment is in a bathtub underneath hockey equipment doused with the sweat of 1,000 games.

The answer lies in Martian's bathtub.

Unfortunately, I cannot give you an accurate answer, as I lost my radar gun at the bottom of a very deep lake during my last camping trip. Furthermore, the international standard for measuring the movement of swallows is soon to shift from velocity to volume, in which case an unladen swallow would have a volume of approximately 0 ml.

Having Delved the Net in Searche of Wisdome,

In Finding the Gifting Of Answers at the Behest of Baraka_Guru,

I have a Paired ConJoining of Conundrums Whiche Haf BeWitched My Senses

And Here at the Tilted Forum Project a Possibility of Answeres Various and Deepe!

Oh Baraka_Guru Please Answere Me These . . .

Was there Music Before Language? A Song Before We Were Singing?

And Also, Are The Artes Of Cookery, Preparing of Gourmet Viandes, And Suche Sundrie Culinary Acts The First Of the Human Arts?

Deareste, pious kramus,

It is withe greate Honoure that thou hath come to me,

that I muste thanke the greate Grace of the Lord for it to pass.

It is withe that selfsame Grace that I muste grant thee an most Ponderous Answere.

Upon Christe's bones, I swear, that the source of all Language we hath spoke,

the spring of all Musik we doth heare, does owe its Blessed Beinge upon the

moste delicious Recipes sent down upon this Earthe to passe our lipes and into

our gullets, and for that I can saye with utmoste Steadfastnesse that Cookery

and Culinary delights are the firste of the Human Arts, the Fathere of our Language and Musik.

is there life after death?

Sometimes the best answer is another question.

Is there death before life?

The only "for sure" is there's death after life...

What does the red button do?

I've always wanted to push it.

You are very wise.

More than you or any hominal mind can fathom. Its terrible effects reflect a sublimity far beyond anything ever evoked by your imagination or the imaginings of the ancients. The very displacement between its effects and what any of us can imagine would be enough on its own to horrendously terrify you and cripple your very soul.

Don't.

There is something important I need to ask you, but I don't know what it is. Can you help me with that?

No.

are we there yet?

No.

When will we be there?

Can I push the blue button?

might i enquire oh wise one, how it came to pass, that in such a vast panorama of consonants and vowels there would be not a mate to rhyme, ironically, with poetry?

Never.

No.

What has been long forgotten by much of humankind was the single condition of poetry's creation: there is a single word that exists in human language that rhymes with poetry. However, its utterance would be the undoing of that which we hold in high esteem as a playful and profound use of words—that being poetry. A mere whisper of this word would make vanish all poetry ever created, from the lofty heights of Homer and Ovid, generated so many centuries ago, down to the bitter lows of our angst-ridden, teenage, goth-kid daughters, that which is being written as we breathe.

No, brave -deathboy-, we mustn't think of this loathsome word. It is the right of every poet who exists, and had been the right of each who has lived, to rhyme with a universe of words...save one. And so we must let it be. And so it is. We may substitute, as so many crafty poets do, with poesie, so we may rhyme it with posie, but poetry must be kept safe. Poetry makes use of rhyme, but poetry may not be made a rhyme.

Where is there?

*whispers*

Skloetry...

Does a someone need to light a fire beneath my lazy ass,
or should I spontaneously combust?

It's neither here, nor there.

Not a word.

I no longer recommend spontaneous combustion. Recent studies have revealed that it can lead to a vitamin D deficiency, and so many teachers and practitioners have moved onto a new technique called "autospotwelding" (or "ASW"). The good thing about ASW is that it's cost-effective, much like spontaneous combustion, mainly because you can do it yourself using delta brain waves, and you won't need to hire a costly firestarter.

Check out the following resources:
www.aswassociation.org
www.asw4you.com
www.ouchthatsmarts.com

I took a guess...

I am considerably wary to offer any query here for fear I end up in the void I have just arisen from, but I need to know:

Was there not a previous session of "Ask the Baraka" in existence already, or am I imposing your grand knowledge unto a different personality altogether? This just seems too familiar to have spawned from your creative brain jelly yesterday.

A good question, and you are right. In a sense.

Let me explain.

There exists a similar session to this one. There are a few differences, however. First, it is called "Ask me, not Baraka_Guru." Second, it is run by an entity known only as Garaka_Buru. I will spare you the details, but this Garaka_Buru exists on an alternative plane similar to our own but with a few variances. For example, instead of "Tilted Forum Project," they have "Slanted Symposium Scheme." And instead of it being owned by Halx, it is a partnership headed by android replications of Crompsin and Giant Hamburger. There are quite a few more differences (including the annual general orgy, or AGO) but, as I said, I'll spare you the details.

Anyway, the wisdom and knowledge you will gain here I guarantee you is of higher quality than over there at the SSS.

It occurred to me to wonder this morning how it is that someone might come by the name of "Hutch". Whatcha think?

joy.

if left is the right answer, would that make right the only answer left?

Dearest Baraka!

Your son is gay. Do you send him to a fundamentalist christian camp to convert him to heterosexuality?

"Hutch" is the name of the Norse god known as "the keeper of rabbits." It is a strong name that figuratively refers to keeping delicious vittles within one's belly. I can see why parents would want to bestow such a blessing on their children.

Sometimes parents simply name their children "Hutch" after their favourite mahogany cabinets. This, too, I can understand.

---------- Post added at 12:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:34 PM ----------

The right answer is the one that's left, but only when you're left being right.

The only way to truly convert a homosexual to a heterosexual is by changing the details of his character and his interactions before you submit the story to the publisher. You may want to practice before making such an attempt. I suggest converting a heterosexual into a homosexual first, and then reverse the process.

thespian....guru's dont have children..they abstain from sex for their entire lives..can you not tell from the stress on barakas face?


dearest baraka...the pink g-string with the white fluff on the front, or the black lace G-string with the fritters on the sides?

Go with the black. It will help bring out the intensity in your eyes.

Yes, definitely the black.

He does have intense and dreamy eyes; they practically dance. (I'm attempting conversion on myself). Really, really dreamy.

http://images.needcoffee.com/dvd/doc...s-1-2005-2.jpg

Are you my mummy?

Dear Baraka_Guru

Given that the alien watchers are Hive-Mind creatures, and that humans - though very social animals - are individual entities each within their physical envelopes:

What is the most appropriate guest gift for an alien? They are Hive-Minds, and therefore probably not interested in items which would be of use to the individual (best selling novels, say, or a nice framed landscape). The en-masse gifting of matching slippers and housecoat (as an example) would cripple the combined textile industries of our planet trying to supply the alien hordes in their teeming billions upon trillions of like-minded entities.

I really would appreciate some ideas before next Friday.

if a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

Only you can make that justification.

http://media.picfor.me/001E307/Funny...-art_large.jpg

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

No.

I highly recommend gift accounts to the World of Warcraft. They'd make a kick-ass guild.

Yes, unless the entire jury is deaf, in which case it's called a signing.

can a dog look up?

The answer depends on how much wood the woodchuck would chuck if the woodchuck's wood needed chucking. Would this woodchuck chuck wood if wood was chucked by a woodchuck who could chuck wood? Why would a woodchuck chuck wood chucked even if he could chuck wood?

---------- Post added at 02:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:47 PM ----------

http://www.nps.gov/laro/planyourvisi...es/Yosdogh.jpg

your answers are most profound.
thank you wise one.
and now, the most disturbing question of all...

why must life be so fucking complicated?

Oh, snap! Best. Answer. Ever.

It is because you ask why, instead of how.

i can see the light..oh master, oh wise one, you are a man of higher knowledge than us lay men. teach us, so that we may bestow your wisdom on other so that the baraka-ness may continue for eternity.

do men cry? if so, can they cry under water?

therein lies the answer to even deeper questions.
i thank you.


do snuggies have it right and robes were wrong in the first place?

Hey, Big Guy!

Is it wrong for me to love ring & you, too?

Men do cry; yes they do. They may cry; this is true.

They may cry on a boat; they may cry in a moat.
They may cry under water; they may cry at the slaughter.
They may cry in a keep; they may cry, some may weep.
They may cry in a tower; they may cry, upon the hour.

So if you ask, I say, yes they do. Men do cry, and you may too!

Snuggie™, ftw! I might be blessed one day to be gifted such a wondrous garment!

Hey, chief!

Hells no!

Oh supremely wise Guru, we manufacture the "GURU Plug" which has generated millions of dollars in profits over the past few years. Do we owe you a royalty?

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g2...jt/gurudlS.jpg

No, there are no royalties, though you do have an outstanding fee from our licensing agreement, which was issued two years ago. You owe me a sum of US$800,000 plus late fee (see below).

Make cheques payable to "Baraka_Guru Enterprises." All balances due in 30 days. A 2% late fee applies for overdue accounts (compounded daily).

Thank you, Most Wise One. Check's in the mail.

You need to send Baraka_guru a cheque.

Baraka, why is a check no good for you?

I am not afraid of the French heritage of what makes up a considerable part of our language.

That is why.

C'est considerable, non?

Oui... d'accord!

Have you ever been to C'est What?

Sadly, no. It's because each time I've tried to go, I was looking for a sign that read: "Say What?"

Incroyable, mais vrai.

You've improved my craziness. Why?

You deserve to see your craziness to its maximum potential.

Crazy, ain't it?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

oh mighty one,

how does one reach such a guru-ness status? what can mere mortals like us do to acend such spiritual heights?

Great one, I seek thy wisdom. An acquaintance said to me the other day:

I have thought about this for days, and cannot work out if it is or isn't true. If it's not true, then it would have to be true. But if it was true, then it could not be.

Help me. Is it true?

I can't find my junk. Where the fuck did it go?

Dearest Baraka_Guru,
Can you explain the "I before E, except after C" conundrum?

where the fuck did you go ?.. oh respected highest holy one

He's procuring some mighty fine cigars for us in Cuba.

When the typing the subject of a thread in the little box for this forum, how is capitulation handled with this? Is it like a book title or is it like a sentence even if it doesn't have punctuation?

Oh, it's because I feed them.

It will require filling out an application. Do you have a resume?

Truth is not contained in sentences; they are contained in experience. Your acquaintance who wrote this sentence clearly has delusions of grandeur. Does he ever steal your lunch?

It's under your bed. Next to the duvet I gave you last year.

No.

Where does anyone go? Do we go? Have we ever gone?

Oh, yes. That's where I went.

It depends on your own personal preference. If you want to go with book style, that's fine. However, the magazine/newspaper style of titles has a bit of flair, especially if they are longer. Just don't make it so I have to correct your mistakes.

yes, do you have a postcode?

Dearest Guru, I humbly ask:

Are you as amused by LordEden's malapropism as I am? Did you even see it? Your answer suggests to the contrary, though I suppose you may have just been acting polite.

Also, did you take my ladle with the red handle? I can't seem to find it anywhere.

And finally, why is it that although I walk for miles I never actually seem to get anywhere?

As you can see, I have been hoarding my queries in anticipation of your triumphant return.

Well done. :lol:

Who, what and where did the "wave" begin at sports stadiums?

No.

Yes I was amused, and yes I saw it. But I ignored it directly. However, you will note a hint of irony in my response to him.

Did you want me to take your ladle with the red handle? Did you look everywhere?

Try standing before you walk.

My return was neither triumphant, nor anticipatable.

"The Wave" was pioneered by Edgar M. P. Daftwager at the opening of Yankee Stadium in 1923 during the Yankees' first game at their new home. Mr. Daftwager, having built quite a thirst in the hot sun, was trying to flag down a beverage vendor. He also had bad knees and so was bobbing up and down, waving both hands in the air, as he was trying to get the attention of the boy who would sell him a drink. Since the stadium was recently opened, the service was slow, as a result of inexperienced vendors, and so Mr. Daftwager kept trying to flag someone down.

It was at this time that the Yankees were down by two runs and had a man on base. The crowd was getting a bit excitable and a few around Mr. Daftwager noticed his antics and began to mimic him, in synch, as they thought it was a great way to cheer on the batter. Further on down the stadium, others took notice, and the crowd "passed it on" and a wave ensued by freak chance. After this unintentional wave impressed and awed all in attendance, every wave thereafter was done on purpose.

What is little known today is that "The Wave" was originally known as the "Daftwager Dance."

Dear guru;

can you beer to leeve this sentance un-correct?

thx

I don't understand. There is nothing wrong with what you wrote.

Suddenly I feel all warm and snuggly.

Lay off the bourbon.

But it's college football season, and that means bourbon and diet!

Why is chocolate so good and vanilla's just so ... vanilla?

Why is vanilla so good and chocolate's just so ... obvious?

Denial is destroying you both.

Both chocolate and vanilla are good.

There is nothing wrong with being "so vanilla," but there is nothing wrong with being obvious, either.

Just dig in and enjoy it already. :no:

Baraka, why do basketballs, soccer balls and footballs lose their air over time?

To inflate sporting balls, modern technology uses a simple, yet highly effective valve mechanism. The robust design is such that it allows for the ease of inflatability while ensuring high performance.

It is a common observation to notice that, over time, sporting balls will lose their air pressure. This, I assure you, is built purposely into the valve design for safety purposes. A ball without such a mechanism risks such things as unintentional rupture, which not only results in irreversible damage to the ball but may also injure nearby parties.

Below I have included some basic diagrams that depict the common sporting ball air valve from varying angles and, in some cases, I've included ones displaying specific details. This design is used in most products available on the market for both the professional and the amateur.

Bear in mind, however, that these diagrams have been simplified for the distinct purpose of educating the layman. However, it is worthwhile to note that the elegant simplicity that you see below in the air valve design is maintained even when viewing schematics meant for the engineer and manufacturer. So while the diagrams below may make the technology seem deceptively simple, it is indeed an intended part of the design.

Enjoy.

http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...t_motronic.jpg
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...tfp/i62069.gif
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...agram95-96.jpg
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...lveDiagram.jpg
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...fp/PA_58_1.gif
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u...p/41752237.gif

I had no idea basketballs incorporated carburetors. This adds quite a bit to my appreciation of the sport.

The profound knowledge of the Guru strikes again.

It's a Canadian thing.

must be

oh great guru BG that you are, i had green curry last night and ive got a rumbling tummy this morning. what can i do to make it go away? what do you do in your native india?

Well...back in my home village of Delhi, we have a system of traditional medicine native to our people. It draws from the natural power of the colour wheel. From it we balance our mental and physical states by delving into complementary and opposing forces.

In your case, depending on the hue of green that your curry presented, you would benefit from balancing it with either a purple, red, or orange curry.

oh BG, Guru

my Curry turned a runny brown..what does this mean?