Ask Baraka_Guru
 

Greetings, dear readers.

Some of you have travelled far to reach me, while others live right under my bed! Regardless, I will treat you all as my equals on this lifelong journey of understanding.

Ask me those questions that haunt you in your sleep and taunt you during the waking hours, and I promise to impart my...er..."wisdom"—yes....wisdom! :surprised:—unto you.

What is it you wish to know?

How many spaces after a period, Guru?

Ah, my good Willravel, a fine question.

The number of spaces after a period may be calculated by means of retroactively counting the number of times the space bar was pressed immediately after the period in question. Be careful, however, as the space bar needn't have been pressed immediately following the time period the period was pressed. Failing that, one can measure the spaces by using the cursor keys! (Use both left and right as corrective measures for double-checking, if need be.) Fantastic, technology today, no?

What kind of hair care product / pant tightness combination do I need to use to attract a mate who has good credit?

Why did my favorite author, Stephen King, self-title himself as the literary equivalent of fast food?

What's the quickest trick to sounding authoritative in an adult conversation? Does it involve education?

when will pigs fly oh Master

Can I come out from under your bed now?

Is it better to burn out, or to fade away?

My, my, hey, hey.

Crompsie....my. main. man. ...what's up?

The hair-care-product-to-pant-tightness ratio should never be overlooked! You may find an excellent article covering this topic here:
http://www.gigaloagogo.com/from-hair...underwear.html.

However, to summarize, you want to ensure that your hair care product, when dried, has about the same consistency and hardness as your tightpants. The one exception is when wearing wonderpants, in which case always ensure you match the fragrances of each.

He's cheap, hot, and fast. Just like any good book title (and meal, for that matter).

First of all, education is overrated. If one could uneducate, I would recommend that wholesale. But here we are, stuck educated to some degree or another.

Either way, sounding authoritative in an adult conversation is a snap. I recommend, from now on, the "authoritative conversationalist sandwich":

Presto, you're an authority! Just use your buns with confidence!

---------- Post added at 03:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:37 PM ----------

Swine flew, my friend. Swine flew pandemically.

No.

Burning out, because fading away is something best left to colour washables.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Tell me, good Baraka_Guru, where is the light at the end of this tunnel?

Three.

(...fucking owl.... :skeptical:)

---------- Post added at 04:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:05 PM ----------

This is a misleading mystery, my dear P.o.A. It isn't so much as where, as it is what? :eek:

I am uneducated. Magpie suggested that I should go on that show, the 5th Grader one with Colin Mochrie instead of Jeff Foxworthy. When she puts it on the television I know most of the answers and have a habit of making snide comments about people who don't know things like how many syllables are in the word displayed. I contend that they wouldn't let me through the doors -- they need people with degrees and such, to make fools of. A high school dropout/aspiring musician isn't expected to be smart, which would mean I'd have to win to be interesting, and the odds are against that despite my firm grasp of grade school fundamentals.

I am terrible with geography.

I suppose I should ask another question. Very well.

What's the best way to remove blood stains from a white t-shirt?

A purely academic question, you understand.

Your wisdom has already changed my view of the world...

This answers my question so completely that I will forever be lacking of questions. For the rest of my days I will wonder aimlessly armed only with answers.

---------- Post added at 01:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:16 PM ----------

False alarm, I thought of one.

Why is it that people didn't like Star Trek Generations?

Thank you for your insight, Martian. I always say, insight is better than incite.

I get this question all the time. It is mainly because it is actually quite difficult, especially when it comes to certain materials such as silks, linens, and other delicates. However, the following steps can be applied to any white t-shirt:

1. Remove garment from the injured party, fresh corpse, or cadaver.
2. Inspect closely for any excess gore, and remove carefully, yet promptly.
3. Presoak the garment for 10 minutes in a cold wash of salt water, with a dash of fresh-ground pepper.
4. Go to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of soda water. If there isn't any available in bottles, cans will do. Cans aren't desirable, however, because you usually have to buy 12s or 24s, which is more than you need for your purpose. As long as it's soda water, you're fine. Tonic water won't work because of the sugar content, and Sprite is right out.
5. Now, pick up a few more items before checking out, otherwise you'll look suspicious purchasing soda water and nothing else. I mean, who does that unless you have a bloodied garment? So pick up some chocolate, maybe some beef jerky, some oranges, and maybe a fresh loaf of bread. The key is to distract the cashier away from the soda water. This will help you keep your nerves down as well.
6. Next, wring the salt-water solution out of the garment and proceed to rub soda water directly into the bloodstain using a sponge.
7. Okay, by now you'll realize you have no sponge. Don't panic. Just run back to the grocery store and keep eye contact with the cashier to a minimum. Don't even think about picking up any "cover items," because you'll look stupid having "forgotten" so many items. Just smile and nod, but don't say anything.
8. Once you have rubbed the soda water in thoroughly, take the garment down to your local laundromat because you don't want that stanky thing in your own machines. Be sure to use a bunch of bleach packets from the vending machine.
9. Be discreet, because you'll be washing the garment on its own, right?
10. At all costs, don't leave the machine unattended.

And voila. Your shirt should be sparklie white once again! Just be sure to keep it away from the mess you left in your apartment.

---------- Post added at 04:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:25 PM ----------

It's because they had ears. And possibly eyes.

And both are better then Enzyte.

But none are as good as entice...

Your advice is invaluable, Mr. Guru. Or would be if I needed to remove bloodstains from a white t-shirt, which of course I don't.

Follow-up question: What's the best way to remove a body from an apartment building during daylight hours? Or failing that, how does one hide a body from one's SO in a small one bedroom apartment, until such time as it may be removed safely?

Again, purely hypothetical.

Here's a hard one:

What's with the Leafs?

What, dear Baraka, is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Hypothetically speaking [;)], the best way to remove a body during daylight hours is by using a gurney. However, the best way to hide it from your SO in a small apartment is in a bathtub underneath hockey equipment doused with the sweat of 1,000 games.

The answer lies in Martian's bathtub.

Unfortunately, I cannot give you an accurate answer, as I lost my radar gun at the bottom of a very deep lake during my last camping trip. Furthermore, the international standard for measuring the movement of swallows is soon to shift from velocity to volume, in which case an unladen swallow would have a volume of approximately 0 ml.

Having Delved the Net in Searche of Wisdome,

In Finding the Gifting Of Answers at the Behest of Baraka_Guru,

I have a Paired ConJoining of Conundrums Whiche Haf BeWitched My Senses

And Here at the Tilted Forum Project a Possibility of Answeres Various and Deepe!

Oh Baraka_Guru Please Answere Me These . . .

Was there Music Before Language? A Song Before We Were Singing?

And Also, Are The Artes Of Cookery, Preparing of Gourmet Viandes, And Suche Sundrie Culinary Acts The First Of the Human Arts?

Deareste, pious kramus,

It is withe greate Honoure that thou hath come to me,

that I muste thanke the greate Grace of the Lord for it to pass.

It is withe that selfsame Grace that I muste grant thee an most Ponderous Answere.

Upon Christe's bones, I swear, that the source of all Language we hath spoke,

the spring of all Musik we doth heare, does owe its Blessed Beinge upon the

moste delicious Recipes sent down upon this Earthe to passe our lipes and into

our gullets, and for that I can saye with utmoste Steadfastnesse that Cookery

and Culinary delights are the firste of the Human Arts, the Fathere of our Language and Musik.

is there life after death?

Sometimes the best answer is another question.

Is there death before life?

The only "for sure" is there's death after life...

What does the red button do?

I've always wanted to push it.

You are very wise.

More than you or any hominal mind can fathom. Its terrible effects reflect a sublimity far beyond anything ever evoked by your imagination or the imaginings of the ancients. The very displacement between its effects and what any of us can imagine would be enough on its own to horrendously terrify you and cripple your very soul.

Don't.

There is something important I need to ask you, but I don't know what it is. Can you help me with that?

No.

are we there yet?

No.

When will we be there?

Can I push the blue button?

might i enquire oh wise one, how it came to pass, that in such a vast panorama of consonants and vowels there would be not a mate to rhyme, ironically, with poetry?

Never.

No.

What has been long forgotten by much of humankind was the single condition of poetry's creation: there is a single word that exists in human language that rhymes with poetry. However, its utterance would be the undoing of that which we hold in high esteem as a playful and profound use of words—that being poetry. A mere whisper of this word would make vanish all poetry ever created, from the lofty heights of Homer and Ovid, generated so many centuries ago, down to the bitter lows of our angst-ridden, teenage, goth-kid daughters, that which is being written as we breathe.

No, brave -deathboy-, we mustn't think of this loathsome word. It is the right of every poet who exists, and had been the right of each who has lived, to rhyme with a universe of words...save one. And so we must let it be. And so it is. We may substitute, as so many crafty poets do, with poesie, so we may rhyme it with posie, but poetry must be kept safe. Poetry makes use of rhyme, but poetry may not be made a rhyme.

Where is there?

*whispers*

Skloetry...

Does a someone need to light a fire beneath my lazy ass,
or should I spontaneously combust?

It's neither here, nor there.

Not a word.

I no longer recommend spontaneous combustion. Recent studies have revealed that it can lead to a vitamin D deficiency, and so many teachers and practitioners have moved onto a new technique called "autospotwelding" (or "ASW"). The good thing about ASW is that it's cost-effective, much like spontaneous combustion, mainly because you can do it yourself using delta brain waves, and you won't need to hire a costly firestarter.

Check out the following resources:
www.aswassociation.org
www.asw4you.com
www.ouchthatsmarts.com

I took a guess...

I am considerably wary to offer any query here for fear I end up in the void I have just arisen from, but I need to know:

Was there not a previous session of "Ask the Baraka" in existence already, or am I imposing your grand knowledge unto a different personality altogether? This just seems too familiar to have spawned from your creative brain jelly yesterday.