Redlemon

How To Wrap Presents With Dogs In The Room

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, tape, etc. in middle of the floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Beg puppy to quit barking at the roll of wrapping paper.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from older dog's mouth.
10. Put present back in box after removing puppy from box... again.
11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box & tape it shut once and for all.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll wrapping paper from the roll.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper off roll -- being careful not to cut puppy's paw or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps".
17. Tape three small holes older dog poked through the paper when he walked across it.
18. Wrap paper around box & secure in place with tape.
19. Take roll of wrapping paper from older dog's mouth.
20. Give older dog something to do: Tell him to hold the tape so he will stop stealing it.
21. Take scissors away from puppy.
22. Cut excess paper from "ends" so you're left with just enough paper to tuck in neatly.
23. Let puppy play with scrap paper from the ends.
24. Take tape older dog is holding.
25. Quickly tape one end before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
26. Tuck in paper neatly on the other end and fold shut like an envelope.
27. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape the end securely.
28. Take bow from older dog.
29. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
30. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
31. Give older dog empty tube from a roll of wrapping paper to play with.
32. Remove puppy from top of wrapped box and add final bits of tape where needed.
33. Take soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
34. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
35. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away for safe keeping.
36. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with empty roll of wrapping paper.
37. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

How To Wrap Presents With A Cat In The Room

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Retrieve rolls of wrapping paper from their storage box.
5. Remove cat from storage box, and secure lid on box to keep cat out.
6. Go to drawer, and collect tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping supplies on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size -- by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 13-24 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for last piece of paper you have remaining.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove string, open box, and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door).
33. Lay out last sheet of paper on the floor.
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped wrap gifts last year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

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Brewmaniac

Sound just like my house execpt inbetween we have to stop our 15 year old daughter from fighting with the 5 year old neighbor girl that's always at our house!

Thanks redlemon!

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Poppinjay

At 15 she should totally be able to wipe the floor with the 5 year old.

5 year olds are so stupid anyway. It's like they hardly know the alphabet.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Brewmaniac

The 5 yr old isn't the problem it's my smart mouth teenager that drives us crazy!

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SirLance

Give her a cell phone! Then she won't ever talk to you, your wife, or the 5 year old again!

Oh, good joke, by the way!

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ShaniFaye

dont know about the puppy part, but the cat part is SO dead on lol

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Meditrina

This is exactly the reason that I lock my cat in my bedroom while I wrap in another room.

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DJKDAWG

I loved both parts, LOL, great post.

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fresnelly

Ha Ha! Great sdggwork Redasdlemoon. *drags cat off of keyboard*

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Dragonknight

That was very good. I can't wait to go home and buy a puppy.

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noodle

That is exactly how I wrapped presents this year! I had to store all of them in the trunk of my car because the cat had unwrapped two of them twice... and somehow figured out how to open the closet door and climb my jacket to the top shelf. Thus discovering there was no catnip inside the boxes, he settled for dragging three rolls of curling ribbon around the house. I almost busted my ass getting out of bed and tripping over the "Spider Web" of ribbon. Needless to day, he got coal in his stocking.

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Furry

I'm forwarding this.... great stuff!

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(From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

Eweser

Both are so true! My mom said this didn't seem like Christmas to her this year because she didn't have help from the 15 year old cat that passed away right after Christmas last year.

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