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Old 12-18-2005, 04:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
32 flavors and then some
 
Gilda's Avatar
 
Location: Out on a wire.
12 days of Christmas answers

1. Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet

2. Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet

3. My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet

4. Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.

Love,

Violet

5. Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet

6. Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet

7. Bob,

What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet

8. OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.


9. LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


10. YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


11. LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


12. LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Gleeful Gilda
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Old 12-18-2005, 05:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
seeker
 
Location: home
ROFL Thats great
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Old 12-18-2005, 05:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
Searching for the perfect brew!
 
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Very clever and funny as hell! Thanks
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Old 12-18-2005, 05:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: louisianna
lol superb!!!
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Old 12-18-2005, 05:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
Functionally Appropriate
 
fresnelly's Avatar
 
Location: Toronto
The Lawyer's note at the end was the icing on the cake.
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Old 12-19-2005, 06:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
Insane
 
nice...not exactly from the christmas wishlist
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Old 12-19-2005, 10:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
Indifferent to anti-matter
 
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Location: Tucson, AZ
It's funny, but (according to the song) each day would consist of a new gift plus a repeat of the previous days gifts for a total of:

12 partridges in pear trees
22 turtle doves
30 french hens
36 calling birds
40 gold rings
56 geese a-laying
56 swans a-swimming
40 maids a-milking
36 pipers piping
30 ladies dancing
22 lords a-leaping
12 drummers drumming

Just thought you'd like to know.
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Old 12-20-2005, 06:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Love it!

lol
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Old 12-20-2005, 08:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Greenwood, Arkansas
Nice, but private law firms don't issue arrest warrants. That last line blows the whole thing for me.



JUST KIDDING--it's funny!
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Old 12-21-2005, 10:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
Crazy
 
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absolutly loved it. I think though the story/song means giving them one thing for each day, and for that day, that seems pracitcal. I mean you can't just give someone people for keeps. But regardless when they all get together it's funny. THE BIRDS WERE TRAMPLED DURING THE ORGY!!!LMAO
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