Men are From Mars -- Women-- who the hell knows... (THis is long) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

maleficent · 12-14-2005, 05:56 PM

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix :

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment
with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.
You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students,
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.
His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.

No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a blueish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat
and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

( Gary )

Bitch

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

( Gary )

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

AngelicVampire · 12-14-2005, 06:03 PM

Lithium missiles sound cool! I always like this one when it comes up... so many slight variations on the story, nice one Mal.

theguyondacouch · 12-14-2005, 06:42 PM

haha, good shit for sure. You've been on a role lately.

PredeconInferno · 12-14-2005, 07:21 PM

This made me laugh for like a day. I loved it.

cellophanedeity · 12-15-2005, 01:53 PM

I love the professor.

In highschool, I had to be the writing partner of a girl who wrote girly crap like this.

Too bad she was nice, or I would have told her that while her writing was decent, her subjects were mind numbing.

kramus · 12-15-2005, 04:14 PM

Too bad the female student wasn't up to riffing the way the male student was. The final grade given by the professor may have been a lot lower, but the story could have gotten very, very surreal.
I guess that some artists need to feel so directly, that when they open themselves up to the creative act and receive a direct lithium fusion broadside in the tender heart of their dewy little souls they have difficulty keeping that poignant, sweet touch from turning into the rending claws of the harpy.

KellyC · 12-15-2005, 08:50 PM

OMG OMG OMG...this is so incredibly funny, thank you so much!!

If I ever have an assignment like this, I'll do the exact same thing Gary did...just to see what's up.

*prays that I get an assignment like this*

Amakudaru · 12-16-2005, 08:48 AM

wow.... hands-down one of the funniest things I've ever read

... I can almost guarantee they ended up dating after this

... things have a way of working out like that... hilarious!!!

Charlatan · 12-16-2005, 09:02 AM

I have to admit this is really funny but not true...

Snopes to the rescue: http://www.snopes.com/college/homework/writing.asp

By the way, I would have had AS Harris drink some tea and then get some more booty... Laurie may have been a flake but I'm sure she was a hotty who liked to get down...

12-14-2005, 05:56 PM	#1 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Men are From Mars -- Women-- who the hell knows... (THis is long) Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix : The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary ) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a blueish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ( Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ( Gary ) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Asshole. ( Gary ) Bitch (Rebecca) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! ( Gary ) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

12-14-2005, 06:42 PM	#3 (permalink)
theguyondacouch salmon? Location: Outside Providence	haha, good shit for sure. You've been on a role lately. __________________ "Lick my frozen metal ass!"

12-14-2005, 07:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
PredeconInferno Reclusiarch Location: Unfortunately Houston, TX	This made me laugh for like a day. I loved it. __________________ Samurai in Training Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

12-15-2005, 04:14 PM	#6 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Too bad the female student wasn't up to riffing the way the male student was. The final grade given by the professor may have been a lot lower, but the story could have gotten very, very surreal. I guess that some artists need to feel so directly, that when they open themselves up to the creative act and receive a direct lithium fusion broadside in the tender heart of their dewy little souls they have difficulty keeping that poignant, sweet touch from turning into the rending claws of the harpy. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

12-15-2005, 08:50 PM	#7 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	OMG OMG OMG...this is so incredibly funny, thank you so much!! If I ever have an assignment like this, I'll do the exact same thing Gary did...just to see what's up. prays that I get an assignment like this __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

12-14-2005, 06:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
AngelicVampire Insane	Lithium missiles sound cool! I always like this one when it comes up... so many slight variations on the story, nice one Mal.

12-15-2005, 01:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	I love the professor. In highschool, I had to be the writing partner of a girl who wrote girly crap like this. Too bad she was nice, or I would have told her that while her writing was decent, her subjects were mind numbing.

12-16-2005, 08:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
Amakudaru Upright Location: under your bed...	wow.... hands-down one of the funniest things I've ever read ... I can almost guarantee they ended up dating after this ... things have a way of working out like that... hilarious!!! __________________ Damnant Quod Non Intelligunt - translates into "They condemn what they do not understand." "The numbers on the headstone are not important, it is the hyphen that lies between."

12-16-2005, 09:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	I have to admit this is really funny but not true... Snopes to the rescue: http://www.snopes.com/college/homework/writing.asp By the way, I would have had AS Harris drink some tea and then get some more booty... Laurie may have been a flake but I'm sure she was a hotty who liked to get down... __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke