guthmund

Again, I haven't seen this one and to search for it...well, I could be here all night. If you seen it before, thanks for playing. If not, I hope it gets a chuckle.


Bob had just gotten back from a freefaller's weekend and couldn't stop talking about it at work that Monday.

"You can't believe the feeling," Bob told the fellows around the water cooler, "It's fucking great. It's like....like...I don't know what it's like. You're just out there, in the big blue, air whizzing by, your face is blown back and the loose jumpsuit fabric is flapping hard and you just drop like a fucking rock for what feels like forever."

"How in the world did you manage to jump out of the plane?" Jack asked.

"Well, we got up there and I was nervous. I mean, I was pissing my pants nervous about jumping out that door. Then the light came on and everyone else lined up to go. I just sat there."

"What happened?" Mike asked

"When everyone had jumped the jump instructor, this big dude named Duke pulled me up by my collar and dragged me to the door. He put both my hands up on the opening and leaned in real close so I could hear him."

"What he say?" Bill asked.

"He said, 'I'm going to tell you like I tell everyone else...Bob, I know you're nervous and hell, I can't say I blame you, but in about 10 seconds that lights going to go out and then we got to turn around. I just want you to know that if we do turn around and you're still on this plane, I'm going to bend you over this seat and have my way with you. You can jump out of this plane and experience the thrill of freefall, or I can drop trou and introduce you to ten inches of painful man shame. Either way the memory is going to last you a lifetime. Your call.' "

"What the hell did you do?" Mike asked.

"I jumped. I got the hell out of that plane."

Two weeks later Bill comes back from the same place and tells much the same tale. He talks about how neat it was to pack his own parachute. He talks about learning the lingo and gearing up for his first jump. He talks about how the light came on and everybody jumped leaving him alone with Duke.

"I didn't want to jump either, I can tell you. I could just imagine jumping out of that plane and hitting the open air....my stomach was in knots just thinking about it." Bill said.

"Did Duke get you to go?" Bob asked

"He literally picked me up off the floor and held me against the doorframe of the plane. I was scared shitless." Bill said.

"Did he give you the speech?" Mike asked.

"Oh yeah, he said, 'Bill, I can't imagine the kind of terror you look like you're going through right now, but in a few seconds that light is going to go from green to red and Buzz here will have to turn the plane around." Everyone around the water cooler nodded their head along with the story as they knew where this was going. "He said, ' If this plane turns around, Bill, and you're still on it, I'm going to bend you over this seat and make you squeal like a pig. You're a portly fellow and you don't look so bright. I'm sure you've dealt with humiliation before, but nothing compared to my ten inch, rock hard shaft of shame that I'm going to lay on you if you don't get your ass out that door. You can shit yourself the way down or I can let loose on your pleasingly plump posterior. Either way is going to be messy, but only one path lets you keep what's left of your manhood.' "

"Oh my, god, Bill," Ray said, "Did you jump?"

"Yeah," Bill said, " I jumped.....just a little at first."

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No signature. None. Seriously.

SirLance

Never heard it, funny as hell!

My first jump (static line), the jumpmaster asked me if I was afraid. I said, "Yes, seargent, I'm afraid to jump out of this airplane."

The jumpmaster looks at me like I'm a nutjob. He says, "Son, this airplane is 40 years old. And, it was built by the low bidder. You should be afraid NOT to jump out of this airplane!"

I jumped.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Zyr

I'd heard it, but it's still one of my favourites to tell people.

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"Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at."

Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis.
All things change, and we change with them.
- Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602