nonkem

I have a bunch of rants, I'll post them every day or so until I don't have any left. Then as I write new ones I'll put those up. Here is my most recent one about why I think tampon commercials suck. I hope the language doesn't bother anyone. I suppose I could make cencered versions, but I'm a pretty vulgar person and that would be against all I think is right in this world.

Anyway, enjoy...


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I really fucking hate tampon commercials. I know this sounds strange that I would get on a topic such as this but shut the fuck up and listen. Every tampon commercial makes the male population out to look like fucking imbeciles. You don't believe me? I have 2 examples and thats all you get because I think 2 is enough.

First there is that one where the chick is in her high school class and she pulls out the tampon like, "HOLY SHIT ITS TINY!" or whatever and so she's like holding it and giggling about some stupid shit, I don't know. And the teacher is like, "Is that candy? Did you bring some for the whole class?" And the girl goes, "Only for the girls! tee hehehe!" And every guy in the room has this "Der... Me so stupid me don't get it." look on their face and the girls laugh at them because they can't have fun with tampons as well.

Fuck you. What the fuck is that shit?

Another good one is where the fat guy and the girl are in the boat on the lake and they're talking about how they both love pudding and they debate who has prettier eyes. And then there is a hole in the boat. Like this magical hole that comes from nowhere. Must have been covert Navy Seal frogmen with an underwater drill out to sabotage them because the fat guy owns some liquor store that's a front for an international group of spies. Anywho, the guy is all frantic like "I'll fix it! Where the fuck is my welder?" And while he's flipping out the chick pulls out a magic tampon and shoves it in the hole on the boat. "tee hehe! I fixed it with my tampon!" And he's like "OMG! that was amazing! you saved us! FUCK THE NAVY SEALS!"


Yeah, tampon commercials fucking suck.

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The blood drive is a pyramid scheme perpetrated by Dracula and his blood slaves.

barenakedladies

amen brother... amen...


i remember one time my mom got shot in the foot by a band of bikers and i was like, ill get the first aid kit and when i came back my sister fixed with a tampon. she was like tee-hee. and i was all like... bitch.

noodle

I can I ditto the amen?

I've never danced down a street at the sheer joy of wearing a tampon.

Once I did a happy dance and thanked my lucky stars that I needed to wear one that month... but that's another story.

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Bobaphat

I agree, but its not like they are the only commercials to make men out to be idiots? If I were from another planet and my only knowledge of humankind was based on what I could garner from tv commercials, I would think that men were completely incapable of doing simple household chores without screwing them up or taking care of sick children without being completely lost and so on.

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--size matters not-- yoda

FngKestrel

I think tampon commercials are the current day equivalent of hemorrhoid commercials in the 80s.

genuinegirly

If you watched less television, a tampon commercial might not ruin your day.

I haven't seen the boat one myself, but it sounds like the company is just trying to have a little fun. Who likes the boring tampon commercials anyway? Why not try something different.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Cynthetiq

hmmmph...

I guess you haven't been paying attention since The Honeymooners with Ralph Kramden always being the idiot all the way until Everyone Loves Raymond. Those aren't 30 second spots but 30 minute shows with 30 second spots interspersed.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

KellyC

I dunno, I think a lot of commercials are out to make people look stupid, except for the person who uses the product, because they're smart for using this product. And people like to be/feel smart.

Like the Ikea commercials motto, "You don't have to rich, just smart," implying the people who shop at other furniture stores are dumb shits who pay for higher/full price.

Or how 'bout the one with the pot drainer. They show a slip of an absolute idiot who spills while trying to drain water from the pot of pasta using conventional pot lid, then she uses the new pot draining lid and the fucking thing is the best invention ever since beer. Damn, does she feel proud of herself when she uses that new pot draining lid that doesn't make her pasta spill.

Or the product makes perfect non-stick greese-free eggs. Again, shows an imbicile who cannot make perfect eggs, always breaking the egg when he/she tries to flip the egg and uses wayy too much oil. But when he/she uses the new product, the egg is perfectly cooked, in perfect condition, and NO greese. How fantastic!

So it's not just the tampon commercials.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

cyrnel

Isn't the little man in the boat supposed to lose his cool?

Life's more fun viewed from angles.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

Mantus

Okay, these feminine product adds were in terrible taste but I could somehow handle them. THEN a few weeks ago where I saw the worst tampon add in history. I don't know what brand it's for, but it's the one where a girl and guy are in a boat which has a hole in its bottom and a geyser of water is pouring out until the girl plugs it with a tampon.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
Oh thank god they have a tampon that can stand up to 90 pounds per square inch of preasure and keep back a whole lake full of water! How in holly hell did women ever get by without this. I mean it must have been terrible to be walking down the street when out of nowhere <<< THE PERIOD >>> and the chick gets thrown into the stratosphere as a hotspring of blood rushes out of her cooch. It's okay now though! Because there are tampons that can stand up to the toughest flow! Yes Playtex (or whatever) so Noah doesn't have to build an ark everytime you have a period.
Just kill me.

maleficent

Now I guess it's my "think like a guy" mentality... but that commercial cracks me up every time i see it - because in his head - he is thinkin' he's gonna get soooo lucky later on because he's doing this manly romantic thing by rowing the girlfriend around on the pond... and then the boat springs a leak... and he's thinking -- ooh wet clothes and he'll have a great excuse to get her nekkid...

but noooo.. she's on the frickin' rag... Poor doofus...

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maleficent

and with that I'll give you my favorite joke:

A smart country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day." How much was the sale worth? "

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" Asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the
new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend is spoiled, you may as well go fishing."

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ratbastid

Well, I don't know about any of you, but I occasionally get that... "not so fresh" feeling.

maleficent

I'm so glad you said that - i've been struggling with a way to tell you that sometimes.. you just aren't so fresh...

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Bill O'Rights

Look out! Mal's on a roll today.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

maleficent

I keep hoping that Bill will get fresh with me -- but NOOOOO...

/me tosses her red hair and skips off..

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Cynthetiq

I always thought about that when I used to see the massengill douche commercials. Mother and daughter having that convo about no feeling so fresh and i thought.. you know my dad and I never had any conversation that was remotely similar.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Bill O'Rights

/me watches mal skip off
Damndamndamndamndamn
/me glances down a little lower
Daaaayuuuumn
Well, yeah...but...looking back...aren't ya really kinda glad? Hmmm?

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

maleficent

I know of no females that ever that that conversation with their mothers... and if for some bizarre reason it ever came up - -the response might be - how about a shower? :shudders:

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Charlatan

My favourite tampon commercials are the ones where they pour blue liquid on a pad with wings... see? abosorbent!

mmmm.... wings.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Leto

aren't douches somehow bad for you? like they disturb the ph balance or something like that?

At any rate, I have seen both of those tampon commercials, and have been impressed at how much better they are than the ones that used to be all over the tv sets, making me squirm in mixed company: you know, the girl with white pants doing cartwheels on the beach? or dripping blue liquid into the middle of a pad? (yes I know the difference between pads and tampons - let's just say the feminine hygiene products ) ughh. very uncomfortable to watch with your mother, gf etc.

At least these new commercials attempt to take the edge off, with a little humour (lame as it may be).

Actually.... I just may take a package of tampons up to the cottage for boating emergencies...

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And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
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Acetylene

Well at least they actually can show pads and tampons on TV. It used to be just "feminine products" and they would show happy people and then a logo.

But the ones I really hate are the ones for "feminine itch". Are there masculine itches? Do they reproduce? If I have unsafe sex will I have MASSIVE ITCH ORGIES??? And they can't show a women vigorously scratching their pussy so they settle for one of someone looking vaguely constipated.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

ShaniFaye

masuline itch would be jock itch wouldnt it?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

denim

Could be worse. Have you ever seen a cute girl in a white bikini with a red spot? Been there, as it were. Did not get the t-shirt.

Oh, and I thought the cure for a feminine itch was a good fucking. Not so? I must do more research, I guess. Maybe that's a different itch.

Willravel

What would happen if there were male oriented commercials that made women look stupid?! Oh wait, objectifying does make women look stupid. To be honest, I'm willing to take it on the chin as a man or a father to see those beer girls wrestle.

Dragonknight

Yeah these commercial just make me squirm a little, when I'm with female company. Not to say that it's weird, but I don't need to think about that shit when my mother or sister is in the room.

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Freedom is NOT Free.

FoolThemAll

"Have you ever felt...dirty?"

"..."

"Down...there?"

"Ohh...OH, Oh, Oh God no."

"(sigh) That was Brian's favorite commercial."

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I wonder if we're stuck in Rome.

twisted_elmo

Tampons are cool when you tie them to the windshield wipers and tuck them down so they can't be seen and all of a sudden, rain storm.... and look how big they get.... ooooh and look at that one, it's got red stuff on it...ewwwwwwwwww

We did that to a friend of mine and it was hilarious, works best with the cars that have the hidden wipers... try it on a friend you are willing to lose

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Having fun Yet?

ryfo

Tampon company in Australia has a competition at the moment for the best XMAS DECORATION you can make using a tampon! WTF????? Can you imagine all the tampons going missing and kids everywhere pulling them apart? (The angle one was good tho....)

n0nsensical

What really gets me about the leaky boat one is that she doesn't just pull like one tampon out of her purse. She pulls out a WHOLE FUCKING BOX of tampons as if they were critical boating supplies, to get the name of the product in the shot I'm sure. Marketing... Often I wonder how the people who work at these ad agencies can take themselves seriously.

The tampon ads however, don't bother me nearly as much as the Enzyte ads that are played over and over especially by notorious offender Spike TV, which I can hardly bear to watch because of them. If I ever come across the guy playing Bob in those commercials, I might reflexively punch him in the face.

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"Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded." --Abraham Lincoln

MikeyChalupa

Trivia... the first person to ever say the word "period" on American television in reference to menstruation was Courteney Cox in a Tampax commercial.

-Mikey

Destrox

This seems like a great place for a tampon joke:

Why do elephants have such long trunks?
---B/c sheep don't come with strings.

I know, I know...

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You bore me.... next.

PayUp

What do you do if your kotex catches fire?????

Take it out and tampon it.

Sorry

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Born to Lose.

rlynnm

I dont care how close you are to your mom, but I dont think I'd ever feel comfortable about telling my mom I don't feel so fresh where the sun don't shine. She'd start to think too many things, then slap on the iron chastity belt. Must be an asian thing.

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The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.