Philosophical Humor - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Zeraph · 10-18-2005, 08:01 PM

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9. He expelled his first two students for learning.
10. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
11. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Frank, a philosophy graduate student, was a solipsist. One spring break, all the other graduate students got together a collection, and funded an expensive vacation trip for him. One of the faculty was puzzled by this apparent display of altruism, and asked one of them why they funded a vacation for Frank. The response was: "If Frank goes, everybody goes."

Break-up line:
The Solipsist: It's not you, it's me.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Atheist: These things just happen.

politicophile · 10-18-2005, 08:13 PM

Philosophy is the art of asking questions that come naturally to children, and giving answers that come naturally to lawyers.

Mantus · 10-18-2005, 08:17 PM

Loved it, thanks!

loganmule · 10-18-2005, 10:11 PM

some funny stuff, thanks

Axiom_e · 10-19-2005, 10:25 AM

Yay for the Funny!

*Slaps forehead*

re-relized he is a geek.

albania · 10-19-2005, 12:19 PM

What's the difference between a political philosopher and a political scientist?
One has a job.

Why did Machiavelli cross the road?
Because his purpose was to reach the other side and crossing the road was the most logical and best appropriate means.

SirLance · 10-19-2005, 02:00 PM

Ok, these are all good and quite intelligent!

10-18-2005, 08:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Philosophical Humor A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? Answer: An offer you can't understand. Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job? Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?" If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch? Answer: Pay for the pizza. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver? An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway." Why God Never Received Tenure at a University 1. Because he had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no cited references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 8. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 9. He expelled his first two students for learning. 10. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 11. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Frank, a philosophy graduate student, was a solipsist. One spring break, all the other graduate students got together a collection, and funded an expensive vacation trip for him. One of the faculty was puzzled by this apparent display of altruism, and asked one of them why they funded a vacation for Frank. The response was: "If Frank goes, everybody goes." Break-up line: The Solipsist: It's not you, it's me. The Empiricist: I think we should see other people. The Atheist: These things just happen.

10-18-2005, 08:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
politicophile Addict	Philosophy is the art of asking questions that come naturally to children, and giving answers that come naturally to lawyers. __________________ The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

10-19-2005, 10:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
Axiom_e Tilted Location: United States, East Coast, New Jersey	Yay for the Funny! Slaps forehead re-relized he is a geek. __________________ Life is meaningless. How awesome is that? Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want and give my own life meaning to myself.

10-19-2005, 02:00 PM	#7 (permalink)
SirLance Junkie Location: In the middle of the desert.	Ok, these are all good and quite intelligent! __________________ DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

10-18-2005, 08:17 PM	#3 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Loved it, thanks!

10-18-2005, 10:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
loganmule Junkie Location: midwest	some funny stuff, thanks

10-19-2005, 12:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
albania Psycho	What's the difference between a political philosopher and a political scientist? One has a job. Why did Machiavelli cross the road? Because his purpose was to reach the other side and crossing the road was the most logical and best appropriate means.