KellyC

* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

* Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

former newt

men already rule the world :-D

lol that being said, good list!

SirLance

Oh, this cracked me up. What a great list! I'm forwarding!

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

BBtB

I was thinking the same thing...

I dream of a world where the last two are true...

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Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ...

"I would like about three fiddy"

theguyondacouch

I wish man, I wish

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"Lick my frozen metal ass!"

corpheous

Two seemed like repeats:

* "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

and

* "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

But other than that my fav is easily:

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Mantus

Oh man, brings a tear to my eye.

If I had to choose one...

I can't decide between

* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent

I wan't to pillage the next town in a tank!

mazak

call me i want to pillage as well!!

Tophat665

Remember, guys, first pillage, THEN burn.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

feelgood

"Allo!"
"Who's this!!!!???"
"I'm watchin you out drivin the cops"
"You are?!!?!?!!"
"Yah, just take a left at the intersection and it'll take you to freeway"
"You sure!!?!!???"
"Yah"
"Ok! Hold on"
*Hears tires squealing on the phone*
"Dude! it's a fuckin dead end!"
"Oh, sorry, I meant my left"

Everytime we visit the Statue of Liberty, we'll take a look under its dress...or whatever she's wearing...

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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

Pragma

Honestly, I'd go for the stealing a sportscar. Oh the fun I would have. "I'll bring it back with a full tank of gas, honest."

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Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

Pragma

How about the Statue of Liberty in a schoolgirl outfit? Now that's a welcoming sight.

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Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

Mantus

+ on all fours with her ass up in the air

Now THATS a welcoming sight

feelgood

But where would she put the torch?

I shudder at the thought people just had while reading above

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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

Mantus

my morning tea almost ended up on the monitor. Nice one feelgood!

tekaweni

Good stuff! thanks.

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If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten