KellyC

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why,"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... .
.
.
.





.
.
.
.
.

.

.

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did, sorry.

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

DJKDAWG

I loved those, they made my day. I really liked the picture of the twin juan.

__________________
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

sadistikdreams

That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.

__________________
"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials."
-Lin Yutang

hearts, by d.a.

cj2112

that's pretty punny

Salomon

I lawled at #6..heh.

Brewmaniac

I'm quite familiar with this one;
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Great post! Thanks

__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

ratbastid

Then there was the one about the new mother who was going to send a list of 28 puns to her friend, but she lacked eight.


...

Get it?

...

Lactate?

....


Okay, I'm leaving now.

Poppinjay

The seminary student was on thin ice. The fathers had told him he needed to get serious and study his latin. In fact, they gave him the task of presenting the Easter mass on the hill.

Rather than learn the latin, he took the scroll and had a friend write it our phonetically. He then burried the scroll on the hill with the plan to dig it up early Sunday and place it on the lectern. His friend rolled over on him and told the fathers. They replaced the scroll with the proper latin version.

Come Sunday, the student could not give the mass and he was expelled from seminary.

The reason? He didn't know his mass from a scroll in the ground.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

SirLance

This absolutely slays me. I can't stop laughing...

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.