Military Rank Recognition Made Easy - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

xepherys · 08-31-2005, 12:57 PM

RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY

General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.

Ishmal · 08-31-2005, 04:06 PM

Ha!

i liked that...

thanx xepherys,

it made me laugh...

Anxst · 08-31-2005, 04:23 PM

Haha, not bad.

And amazingly true in some circumstances.

LoganSnake · 08-31-2005, 07:46 PM

That gave me a good laugh. Thanks!

SirLance · 08-31-2005, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xepherys

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.

Speaking as an old master sergeant, I can say that this is 100% true, and applies to my old rank, as well!

And the rest are also completely hilarious.

Very funny! Thanks for a great post.

prufrock0734 · 09-01-2005, 12:41 AM

I learned military ranks from watching MASH while a youngun'.
These descriptions even fit alan alda's warped reality. imagine that.

xepherys · 09-10-2007, 10:32 AM

still so funny...

Plan9 · 09-10-2007, 10:54 AM

I like the one that includes the enlisted ranks as well.

Sgt Crompsin: Proving that buck sergeants should make chicken noises whenever possible during MOUT.

Brewmaniac · 09-10-2007, 12:26 PM

Funny shit, quite clever!

08-31-2005, 12:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	Military Rank Recognition Made Easy RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. Major Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. Captain Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. Is run over by trains. Barely clears outhouse. Dog paddles. Mumbles to self. Lieutenant Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. Recognizes trains two out of three times. Runs into tall buildings. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. Talks to walls. 2nd Lieutenant Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. Plays in Mud puddles. Studders. Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Sergeant-Major Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. Uproots tall buildings and walk under them. Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. Is God.

08-31-2005, 04:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ishmal Wicked Clown Location: House Of Horrors	Ha! i liked that... thanx xepherys, it made me laugh... __________________ "Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

08-31-2005, 04:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Anxst Condensing fact from the vapor of nuance. Location: Madison, WI	Haha, not bad. And amazingly true in some circumstances. __________________ Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

08-31-2005, 07:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	That gave me a good laugh. Thanks! __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

09-10-2007, 10:32 AM	#7 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	still so funny... __________________ The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible... -- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato My Homepage

09-01-2005, 12:41 AM	#6 (permalink)
prufrock0734 Upright Location: the double L	I learned military ranks from watching MASH while a youngun'. These descriptions even fit alan alda's warped reality. imagine that.

09-10-2007, 10:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	I like the one that includes the enlisted ranks as well. Sgt Crompsin: Proving that buck sergeants should make chicken noises whenever possible during MOUT. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

09-10-2007, 12:26 PM	#9 (permalink)
Brewmaniac Searching for the perfect brew!	Funny shit, quite clever! __________________ "That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"