guthmund

Joke #1
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Joke #2

Jake is in the market to buy a new bike. On the way to his girlfriend's house to pick her up for dinner at her parents, he spots the most beautiful motorcycle he's ever seen. He buys it in short order and asks the seller if there are any special precautions he should take when caring for the bike.

"Well," the old man says, "Keep a close eye on her engine. She's a good one. Solid. Strong. And she'll usually tell you what's wrong with her if you have a mind to listen."

"Since you'll be taking the bike with you, you should have this." The old man then pulls out a rather large squeeze tube of petroleum jelly and hands it to Jake. "It's a little secret of mine, so, don't tell nobody, but if it looks like it's going to rain and you can't get her under cover, cover the old gal in this petroleum jelly, especially the chrome parts, mind you, and that'll keep the rain off her until something better can be found."

Jake loads up the bike and takes it to his girlfriend's house to show it off. His girlfriend is very, very excited that he's got a big boss hog and suggests they ride it over to her parents for dinner.

When they pull up in her parents driveway, the girlfriend slides off the bike and tells Jake there's something he should know. "We don't talk during dinner. As a matter of fact, the first one to talk is the one stuck doing dishes."

Jake nods believing he's understood the situation, but upon entering the house he realizes that he could've been wrong. Stacks upon stacks of dishes were everywhere. The sink was filled with dishes, the kitchen table was littered with dirty dishes. Every corner of the house was filled with disgusting dishes.

Jake takes in all in stride and decides to have a bit of fun. Dinner is served and sure enough no one says a thing. Jake leans over and kisses his girlfriend. Nobody says anything. Jake leans over and fondles his girlfriend's boobs. Nobody says anything. Jake grabs his girlfriend throws her up on table, lifts up her dress and proceeds to have his way with her.

Still nobody says a thing.

'Well,' Jake thought, 'I've always kind of had thing for mom.' And Jake throws the Mrs. up on the table and has his way with her.

Still total silence.

A flash of lightning cuts across the sky outside the dining room window and remembering what the old man said about the bike, Jake pulls out the petroleum jelly from his jacket pocket.

Suddenly the silence is broken by the girlfriend's father. "Fine! Fine! I'll do the damn dishes. Just put that away!"

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Menoman

the silence was broken when jake said "Well I've always kinda had a thing for your mom"

ya big silly~!

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guthmund

Good eye, good eye

Fixed.

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Glad-I-Ate-Her

Two for two, good ones.

Glad

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SirLance

2 good ones! Thanks!

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Brewmaniac

#2 is a Mighty fine joke! Thanks

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Astrocloud

Okay got a good laugh out of them both.