Ballzor

This is the story of Nate and Lever.

Back in the year 1995, a great heatwave hit the city of Los Angeles. The sweltering heat caused all sorts of problems as the people of this great place tried to get on with their lives the best they could. Temperatures broke well into the triple digits, and things only seemed to get worse as time went on. Living in a 3rd floor appartment in downtown LA, the 2nd cousin of Keanu Reeves was busy trying to cool things down. He had purchased what seemed to be the last 3 electric fans in the city, and already 2 of them had overloaded and died. His AC had never really worked to begin with, and usually only ever blew Hot Air. Now, its common knowledge that you can't drink the water in LA, but times were desparate for our hero. Left with nowhere else to turn, he turned to his sink. In a delusional frenzy he began swallowing handfulls of the murky water with no heed to his own safety. It would have appeared that the water had done the trick, then things took a turn for the worst. The walls began to melt around him, the colors, oh the colors he saw. Feeling his life slip from his grasp, he did the only logical thing he could. He stripped his clothes, trotted down the stairs and burst through the revolvoing doors to the street. Now, Steve the doorman had seen his fair share of vagrants, psycho's, and downright sketchy people, but he had known this one. This was highly unorthadox he thoght, but what did it matter, those 10 seconds he got to hold the door for Keanu were magical, the picture still hung over his bed. Whatever floats your boat Steve thought, and he returned to watching the today show.

Stripped of his clothes, Keanu's cousin ran at full sprint 3 blocks down. Almost instantly, he came to a complete stop. How could he have been so stupid?! He shifted gears, turned around and bolted back towards his appartment. Not really paying attention to where he was going, Steve ran right into an old lady trying to make it across the street. The power of his thrust punted her directly infront of a fast moving truck, she was killed instantly. Feeling no remorse for the woman, he continued on. As he came upon his building, he increased speed, one quick push and he would be inside. Yet, things did not work out as they were supposed to, perhaps through divine intervention, the door had been switched to a pull, Steve was flattened like a pancake before his body peeled off the window and slid to the scortching pavement. It was a few minutes before he regained conciousness. He gazed up towards the blinding sun, trying to figure out where he was. As his vision cleared, he became aware of a small troop of Romanian girl scouts who had crowded around him in an attempt to help. But you see, the delusions brought on by the water had not passed, so these seemingly harmless girls were actually a band of rabid dogs dragging his body to an alley way for feeding. Jumping to his feet and pushing off the Romanians, he thanked them graciously and took off running to his building. One of the girlscouts remained clamped to his leg and it took some shaking to remove her. Her name was Scarlet, and even though she was just a halloucination, she had always dreamed of being a dancer.

Busting back into his appartment, he turned off the one light at the back right of the room, and grabbed his wallet. You never know when you might need a calling card he thought. The truth was that Keanu's cousin had never really had a use for a phonecard, but it seemed trendy and he was always open to things that made him feel more interesting then he really was. Naked, delusional, bloody and clentching a wallet, he ran down the stairs, through the door, and again, at a full sprint, towards his destiny. It would take him four days before he would reach his destination. Along the way he befrended a one armed pianist named Rosco. Rosco had never really learned what it meant to be loved, so the night he spent spooning with our hero was magical. But you see, the spooning had not just been for pleasure, it was also out of necessity. Even though Rosco had a wife and kids, and a house to go too, he still felt the only way to ensure his newly aquired friend would survive the warm night would be to spoon with him. Upon leaving, Rosco made sure to aquire his new friends E-mail address Keanuscousin@gmail.com . Roscoe didnt know who he was, why he was naked, or if he was pregnant or not, but he was sure that he had been running through a sewage treatment plant. KC ( tired of seeing the word Keanu, just makes me think about why someone would ever name their kid Keanu) moved faster than ever. He was only moments away from his destination, LAX. He ran through the parking lot, and to the front door, and to the ticket counter. The woman manning the counter was in her forties, heavyset with a lazy eye. KC couldn't decide which eye to focus on, so he shifted inbetween both. Now to most people, a man bobbing left and right bare ass naked, covered in sewage and blood, standing at an airport ticket counter may seem strange; but just two days before the exact same thing had happened, to the same woman, so she just played it off as Deja Vu. KC was unsure as to how you were supposed to spell Deja Vu. He considered typing it into google, then clicking the actual spelling even though all you had to do was look at it, switch browsers and continue, but by this time the story had moved on.
"I need a bucket to frenchfries, make it sloppy, extra sour." he said with glazed over stare and drool running down his naked body.
"I'm sorry sir, but not only do you not have a passport, but your also bare ass naked, and pose a health risk to the other passengers, your going to have to return home and get a shower and some clothes."
"I knew your airline was full of shit!" he shouted " But to keep the story going around in circles, I guess Im going to have to return home, arent I?"
"Yes sir, I guess you are" she said uninterested in anything he had to say. Defeated, KC latched himself onto the back of a taxi, and made the long treck home. It didn't take nearly as long to get home, and the wind nipped at his privates. Standing outside the front of his building for the 3rd time, KC marched agrily upstairs to do as he was told. He entered his room and found it was just as decrepid as he had left it, except for one thing. In the other corner, not the corner with the light, there was a small blinking light. KC's answering machine had been activated, and awaiting him was a message. He skipped over and pressed the button. Whoever it was, it had to be interesting, for fear of being prosecuted on the forums for telling a lame ass story. A familiar voice began to squak back at KC, he knew instantly who it was, it was Keanu himself. After some grunting and a minute or so of laughing, he got to his point. " Cousin, we need to talk, sha, this shit has to stop. This just isnt working out, its not you, its me. But if you could just move on, and stop calling yourself my cousin, that would be great. Bill and Ted forever. Peace"
It came as a stab to the heart, for now instead of being Keanu's cousin, he would be known as Keanu's Former Cousin, and in the interest of time, Ive decided to shorten it again. KFC entered into the shower, and for 3 hours he scrubbed his body till it was raw and bleeding. The water again began to take hold, but this time he was ready. He put on his best pair of overalls, grabbed his bucket and a gallon of warm milk, and took off. All the tools for a growing boy he thought. Never the less, it was another 4 day journey, wrought with peril, till he was able to get back to the airport. Kind of like Adrian Brody in the major motion picture, the jacket, KFC was approached by a boy and shot. But see, unlike that piece of shit movie, this time the plot actually wasnt filled with holes. KFC crawled to the nearest hospital, got himself patched up, and was on his way.

Arriving at the airport, bandaged, bruised, beaten, raped, dirty and sick with dysentery, he returned to the ticket counter, threw his money on the counter and demanded a ticket. " A ticket to where sir?" she said, still unimpressed.
"Why, a ticket to Saudi Arabia of course, what the fuck is wrong with you, are you racist or something?" he shouted, again. She knew who was boss, she quickly began punching numbers, cruching keys and doing the dance like all the times before. He went through all of the standard BS that is involved with getting on a plane. All of the security checks, random checks, racially bias checks, and so on until he was finally seated on the twin engine DC-300. The others on the plane were not interested in his story, but he would have none of this. He jumped up, grabbed hold of the intercom, and began to say the entire story, verbatum, of what I just wrote above. (the truly hardcore readers will now scroll up and start again, the rest of you can just keep moving). Now, the flight was perhaps the best he had ever had, there was ample leg room and the inflight movie didnt have Julia Roberts. Soon he was on the ground, roaming free through Saudi Arabia.

KFC moved from place to place, always in search. Of what, no one really knew, what was important was that he was there, living the dream. About 3 months in, he was struck with a sudden urge to go looking through the desert for buried treasure. He went to the local sporting goods store, stocked up on plenty of water, ski shoes, a totem pole, you know, all of the necessities. Though he was advised to bring along a guide, he shunned this, citing a natural ability to find his way he had had ever since he was a little boy, left home alone when 2 quirky burglars tried to rob his house. A mistake that would eventually cost him his life. KFC searched and searched, always moving. He came across some gypsy traders about 3 hours in and in exchange for a seductive dance, he was rewarded with 3 pearl earings. Now remember these earings because they will be important to the story later on. Soon, KFC realized things were dire, he was out of water and he had used up his cell phone battery making calls to random numbers in the phone book. Death it seemed, was certain. Dehydration began to creep in, the body grew weak and the senses began to break down. It was only a matter of time before he was pushing up sand daisies. Just then, off in the distance, KFC saw something that made him sure his life was soon to end. There was, standing ominously in the middle of the desert, a burning bush. Running at a full sprint now despite the fatigue, KFC reached the bush but for some reason, kept running. It soon became clear that his object was not the burning bush, but the strange object that was just behind it. Yes, it seemed that fate had thrown another twist his way. Lodged into the desert, in the middle of nowhere. Was a lever, long sleek and slender with a red grip at the top with finger grooves and a small release pull. It stood about 4 feet in the air, and supposing you havent read this entire story, would seem strangely out of place. KFC moved up to the lever with intrigue. His child like instinct told him that the best possible course of action would be to pull the lever and run. Surely something so inviting just sitting here by itself was just waiting for someone to give it a good tug. Without a second thought, KFC approached the lever, and with his good hand, took hold. Squeezing the release, he began the slow and dramatic pull of the lever, but just then, something stopped him. It was a sharp pain, starting at the buttox and moving upward, through the spine. He soon felt light headed and the world seemed to be in a constant spin. Before he blacked out, he heard someone say "OOOOoooooOOooooooooooo"

"Hey, Mr. Wake up, whats the big Idea, come on now, git yeur ass up!" a voice pierced through the black, and KFC was awake. As things, once again, became clear, he became aware of his surroundings. Still in the desert, he was unsure if he had been out for an hour or a week. He really had to go to the bathroom, but decided it was best to hold it until they got back to a proper bathroom, never know who might go tromping through just to step in your leavings. "Hey Mr. would you mind getting your ass off of me?!" the voice said again. KFC was unsure if the voice was in his head or if perhaps some higher power was making contact, either way he was not about to offend it and go against its wishes. He slowly made way to his feet, brushing the sand and excriment from his trousers. He looked all around, no signs of civilization in sight for miles in any direction. Maybe he had died, and was doomed to wander the earth for the rest of eternity, no, this couldnt be, KFC was a rapist, and everyone knows rapists go to hell. Suddenly he saw sometihng move quickly out from under him, he jumped and bound head over heels in fear, whatever it was had surely taken him down in one strike. As his vision began to sharpen on the attacker, he was stunned to see nothing more than your average garden snake. But this was no ordinary garden snake, for you see, it had powers beyond all reasonable comprehension. "Hey you, snake, d'ju say somethin?" KFC asked, unsure if he was sane or guy fox mad. "Yeah" he said " I said git your ass offa me, I have work to do."
"W-well wait just one second, your a talking snake" KFC said "whats your name talking snake"
"oh me?" he said " Im Nate, Nate the talking snake" Everything KFC had ever known was thrown upside down in an instant. His mother had sworn to him ever since he was a child that there was no such thing as a talking snake, how could she have been so wrong. For before his very eyes, the impossible had become possible. "Hey Nate, Nate the talking Snake, what are you doing out here anyways?" KFC asked, bewildered and slightly arroused.
"Oh, well I'm guarding this lever here, I can't let nobody pull this lever, this one here" he said, proud of the job that had bestowed upon him.
"Well, why can't nobody pull that lever, that lever there?"
"Oh well you know." Nate responded
"No, I don't, thats why I'm asking." KFC said, a little irked.
"Oh, well I can't tell you, cause you'll pull it. So its better if we just move on to something else, I mean, I am a talking snake. Here, how about for the sake of plot i grant you three wishes." Nate said unaware of the authors sudden distaste for the task at hand.
"Oh holy shit, really? Thats awsome, um. ok, first of all. I wan't to get back to civilization. 2nd, I want to open my own line of popular steak houses. We'll call them KFC's. And uh, lastly, I want world peace." KFC had obviously put a lot of thought into his choices, and they rolled off his tongue with an air of confidence.
"Well, I guess the lever should be ok for a few hours, lets go get this over with." The snake curled into a ball, and began spinning wildly. Soon the sand began to kick up as the wind circled around. The ball of snake lifted and twisted, moving furiously a tornado formed. Sand entered every oraphace of KFC's body, but he was used to it. The sand suddenly died down, the snake returned to its normal form, and everything was calm again. " What the hell was that for?" KFC said realizing nothing had happened at all.
" Well, I don't know, sometimes these things just happen." Nate replied " Well are you ready to get these wishes done?"
"Um, yeah, I was ready before. Lets do this." KFC answered. A sudden flash, and they were travelling through what could only be described as a vortex. Like out of some science fiction movie, the colors and the shapes overwhelmed he senses. Instantly he was back in his room. The snake by his side, KFC turned on the TV to see if anything had changed. The Fox News channel, CNN, MSNBC, and BBC and all of the other networks that thrived in times of war had gone off the air. The streets were filled with the cheers of the townspeople. Celebration world wide, war, dissent, violence, all wiped out in a single act by a strange man and his snake. Word soon got out about Nate and his companion, and statues and parades were held in their honor. Soon, the statues turned to shrines. The shrines, filling with people, turned to temples. Temples filled with people of every race, class, and description. It was not long before people disagreed about the best way to worship Nate the snake and his companion. The temples split and split again. The natonites took refuge in lever shaped communes, the Leverites felt the best way to worship was through constant prayer. The Buddhists held strong to their philosophies, and were eventually granted access to heaven, though most politely denied. The various sects that had once been one, turned against each other. Hightened tensions lead to only minor quarrels at first, but soon, things took a turn for the worst. Forums around the world filled up with answers to the "right way to worship", before long, war was declared. Some in the name of Nate, some in the name of lever, few caring about Keanu's cousin, the final straw came in the form of a nuclear blast. Fearing an untimely end. Nate and his friend, KFC, decided to return to the lever. During this time Nate had written a number of books with the aid of a notary, and KFC had an award winning cooking show. Both recieved modest reviews. Turning it all away, these two friends began the long treck back to the lever. It took them almost a year on foot to make it to Saudi Arabia. They had both decided that the best bet was to move on foot and lay low. And low they layed, ditches, farms, it seemed there were few places in this unholy place that were open to snakes. Snake Bathrooms were always behind the whites only bathrooms, it was degrading. Finally, they got a room at a holiday inn, just outside of the desert where the lever was. They decided to spend the night before they would begin their return, the inDemand was pretty decent, but neither of them were open to the idea of having to pay, so they just called it an early night. The next morning the continental breakfast consisted of a dry toast and soggy eggs. It wasnt bad, but it was nothing to get excited about. In truth, Nate had enjoyed the meal, but he wasn't about to make his friend feel like an idiot, so he silently went along. He could save it for when they got into a fight, drop that one and really make him look like an idiot.

Finally they began their treck, KFC forgot to turn his key in, and kept it in his pocket. But it was one of the cards that can be reprogrammed, so he didnt feel too bad about it. The journey was harsh and it took its toll on Nate. He had been out of shape for such a long time, as time went on he lagged behind until KFC turned around and didnt see him anymore. He turned around and at full sprint went in search of his friend. About 100 yards off, almsot completely covered in sand, Nate lie on his back, ready for death. KFC fell to his knees next to his companion and tried desparately to save his life. "Wh-What can I do friend?" he said, a tear rolling down his face.
"You, you need to move on, theres nothing left for me here. You've brought me the joy of a childs laughter, and I thank you for that. I stole the Ash Trey from that hotel, here, I want you to have it." Nate reached into his bag and removed the dirty, chipped trey. KFC grabbed it greedily and put it in his bag. "No Nate, you cant die yet, we haven't reached the punchline yet." he said " Here, you eat this, its the last of our rations, you eat it, I'll carry you the rest of the way."
"No friend, I can't ask you to do that for me, with me on your back you wont make it 10 feet, look, we had a good run, we shared some laughs, but its time for me to dance with the reaper." Nate turned to his side, apparently accepting his fate.
"NO, I wont accept this, We've gone too far, lets not forget Nate, you and me aren't the only ones in on this. Think about the poor dumb fuck who has to sit here and write all of this down. What about his feelings! I mean sure, he's got nothing better to do, and this is the only way to really suppress the voices in his head, but COME ON man, he's a human being. One of these days this poor bastard might actually get lucky and lure some unsuspecting girl home from a bar. I mean, this story is about the best pick up line he's got, lets face it, by the time she's finished reading she'll be passed out cold, and he'll be able to do anything he wants to her. Think about HIS needs Nate, HIS needs!"
"You know what man, your right. Just because my vital organs are slowly and painfully shutting down, I cant see and I should have died years ago, doesn't mean I can't do one last show. Lets do this shit" Nate boasted as he lept from his back, began a head first squirm towards the direction of the lever. As if the red sea had been parted, the sand and the wind cleared a path to their destination. But something was not right, instead of finding an empty desert with a lever, there was a town. A city, a massive city at that; they had not been gone long enough for anything of this magnitude to be built, what had happened? "F%CK" Nate screamed "#%##^&$#%#!$@#"
"What is it Nate, whats wrong?" KFC had caught up with Nate and as he adjusted, he saw what Nate had seen " HOLY @%#@$" KFC stumbled backward and fell over a rock. " Somebody pulled my $@% lever, somebody got here while I was off $#@$ing around with you, #%@$!" Nate was spinning around in circles, obviously unsure how a snake was supposed to act when he was angry. The two companions made haste to the center of the thriving village in an attempt to figure out what had just happened. As it turned out, a wandering shaman had found the lever and left with few options, had pulled the lever. The ground trembled around him and he was overtaken by the miraculous sight of thousands of houses buildings and roads bursting from the sand. In about 20 minutes an entire city was built, in the very center of the town was the lever, right in the middle of the eastbound 405. KFC, exausted and annoyed, went to the first bar he saw and ordered 2 Budweisers. You have to pay in advance the bartender said, so he had to go to the front of the store, buy the beers, and then bring his recipt back to the bartender. "Ok, now what do you want?" he said
"I said, I wan't two budweisers." perching himself upon the stool
"Ok, well, were out of Budweiser, so, here are two Whiskey malts." the bartender broke open the drinks and laid them out on the table, quickly turning to other customers before our man could complain. Outside, Nate wandered in a state of depression, He decided that even though he had failed at his job once, it wouldnt happen again. He made his way to the road where the lever was. Set up a chair, an umbrella and a little music, queen of course, and took up guard. Time slowed down, off in the distance a bus broke through the sand and looked almost like a mirage. The bus was driven by the grim reaper, and packed in the back were 50 screaming Nuns. Reaching speeds of over 110, though in slow motion would seem more like 25, the bus made its way towards Nate. One of the nuns, free from her hysteria, moved to the front and screamed at the driver " LOOK OUT, THERE, IN THE ROAD!" The bus began to swerve, and just as it would appear that the lever was doomed, the bus turned and ran over Nate. His mangled remains were tossed like a ragdoll in counterstrike to the side of the highway. Though nobody was around to hear, some say his last words were "Avenge me" but it is pure speculation. The Grim Reaper looked back in his rear view mirror to see the damage that had been done. The lever stood intact, just as keen as ever. but Nate was gone. The same nun who had pointed out the fact just a few seconds before asked " But, Reaper, why did you run him over? Why?!"
The Reaper replied, with an air of satisfaction and enjoyment. The light piercing his eyes causing a blade of white to cross his sockets. " Frankly dear, better Nate, than Lever."

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Le Berger, Le Mouton, Ce qui vous mangerait? Je ne sais pas. -let it all drop cause fuck it I guess we lost-
<Danao>I am french so excuse my langage..
<Krost> ^^
<Krost> I'm American so excuse my president.

Church

Can I get a short version? lol

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Through counter-intelligence, it should be possible to pinpoint potential trouble makers, and neutralize them.

Ballzor

Its one of my favorite jokes. You sit down a few friends and you just start going, all you have to remember are the essentials to the joke, Nate, The lever, the town, the highway, and the punchline. Past that you can take it wherever you want. As long as you build it up, people will continue listening. 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes, they'll stay glued to you. Friend of mine tells this joke and he's had people sit for half an hour to have them get furious about it and storm off.

__________________
Le Berger, Le Mouton, Ce qui vous mangerait? Je ne sais pas. -let it all drop cause fuck it I guess we lost-
<Danao>I am french so excuse my langage..
<Krost> ^^
<Krost> I'm American so excuse my president.

Siege

Hahaha... i gotta try this some time. I think my buddies will kill me though

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"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find