aphex140

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot
dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and "Oh S...!"

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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."

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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."

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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."

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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

__________________
Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

DEI37

That is some funny stuff! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

__________________
Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

MikeyChalupa

NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself.
MARINE = Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential or...
MARINE = My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

Funny stuff here. Consider it forwarded.

-Mikey

SirLance

Great list!

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

sadistikdreams

Good stuff. Gotta tell it to my aviation buddies.

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"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials."
-Lin Yutang

hearts, by d.a.

TonyRockyHorror

That stuff is hilarious. Good post.

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http://www.soundclick.com/bands/4/ze...arro_music.htm

pilot123

Add one to that

"Watch This"

Ballzor

great list

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Le Berger, Le Mouton, Ce qui vous mangerait? Je ne sais pas. -let it all drop cause fuck it I guess we lost-
<Danao>I am french so excuse my langage..
<Krost> ^^
<Krost> I'm American so excuse my president.

drewpy

I love lists like this! Outstanding.

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"Once made equal to a man, woman becomes his superior." Socrates

Johnny Pyro

Nice! Very funny !

aphex140

LOL finsishes of the list perfectly

__________________
Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

todd

Hahaha this one is my favorite

bobophil

perfect.


anyways, my hat is off to you, my friend

__________________
Check and mate, now king me.
-Homer

Daniel_

Some of these are already in the mesages above, but I let them in anyway, because they're all funny.

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

StuckinRow

Wow, military and aviation jokes. I love them. They define me. All so true too.

m0rpheus

great list thanks for the laughs

__________________
"it never got weird enough for me." - Hunter S. Thompson