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- - Only In America (https://thetfp.com/tfp/tilted-humor/9031-only-america.html)

An E mail tha was sent to me.... Thought most of it was pretty hilarious...

Quote:

1 Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER......

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows , you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.............

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

lol those are great... maybe belong in tilted humor tho...

“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

i prolly dont even wanna know why the warning label needs to say that...

Yeah I work part time in a Movie theater...and i am amazedhow many people say slop on the butter but order a diet pepsi...

I have seen those before but always give you a persective overview again

oomm

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

That's just disappointing.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

Well I think they're telling you not to eat them...or put them in your poop chute. They don't wanna be sued because you shoved a light up your bum then it broke and they didn't warn you.

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

This was probably a poor translation. Probably funnier if you read it in Japanese.

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Thats so true you never notice it!

the first one is so true, thats what makes it funny:D

I think I've recieved this email about 6 times...

sigh. oh so true.. seen some of em before but they are still priceless :D

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

hahaha thats funny!!!

has anyone ever actually tried to stop a chainsaw with their genitals, I mean it has to had happened for them to make a warning for it. I want to meet them if they are still alive.

hehe so true :) and funny :)

man this is a funny e mail/post but after the 3rd or 4th viewing it gets kinda old and stale

NIce post! I had seen one* of these before, but most were new to me!

*(the Superman cape quote was used as a topic in impromptu speaking, finals round back when I did high school forensics)

good times -- the fact they are true is what makes them funny

To Be Australian: Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens:

1.. Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2.. Only in Australia... is "are you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay.

3.. Only in Australia... do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol, etc., while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4.. Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke.

5.. Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards and chain the pens to the counter.

6.. Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

7.. Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8.. Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many"; and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures".

9.. Only in Australia... do we live by the saying, "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor".

:cool:

I don't get most of them

i got them all but #9

I've seen this for a bunch of countries.. the jokes are pretty generic (except maybe #9) but still funny.

In some places "pissed" is slang for drunk.

yeah, I've seen this list before with Australlia replaced with America.
Still funny though!

Quote:

CSflim

yeah, I've seen this list before with Australlia replaced with America.
Still funny though!

sadly, i was thinking the exact same thing?
Although that does not mean Australia = America !

Quote:

Originally posted by Sleepyjack
sadly, i was thinking the exact same thing?
Although that does not mean Australia = America !

No.. no.. hell no! At least 5 years before the transformation is complete!

Then there was also that guy that made news a few months ago for saying that Australia had a chance of becoming America's 51st state in the next 20 years.

:D