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02-14-2005, 07:50 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Central PA
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The reason behind Christmas carols and why I am going to hell.
I'm not sure if this should be in Tilted Literature or maybe Tilted Nonsence. I am quite the n00b, so forgive me if this is in the wrong section.
I was given an assignment for my Journalism class to write an article of either fact or fiction. If I chose fiction, it didn't have to make sense. That was the teachers first mistake. Bwahahaha. I couldn't think of anything so I talked to my brother. Were both diehard Family Guy fans and he suggested take someting from FG and elaborate. I chose from the Christmas ep. when Peter says "Christmas is that magical time of the year when the ghost of jesus rises from the grave to feed on the souls of the living, so we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep." I took that and ran with it. I tryed to do it in the style of the famous Peter Nguyen. You will notice I stole/borrowed his "Harlem, up-state Chicago" line. So, without further adeiu, I give you my article. Let me know what you guys think. When Christmas time comes around people look forward to the familiar things of past Christmases. These would include, but are not limited to: cookies, trees, bacon, giraffes, Chinese food, axes, concrete, dirt, and flamethrowers. One thing that mostly everyone seems to remember is the carols. Every year we look forward to watching the Yule Log and hearing those familiar songs we have grown to know and love. Songs like Silent Night, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Deck the Halls, The Little Drummer Boy, and many more. Most people think that these songs are just for fun. But a few enlightened ones know the truth. Every Christmas, the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the souls of the living. So, we sing carols to lull him back to sleep. Jesus was buried in 56 BC in a cemetery in Harlem, in up-state Chicago. Now, you may be thinking, how could he have been buried before he was born? This is due to the fact that he is Jesus and he can do anything. He resurrected himself with a power level somewhere in the realm of 10,000. Now he was angry and he pulled out his nine and capped a few Roman wigs. But in a sneak attack, they caught him and buried him again. Even though his power level was so high, he was buried so deep that he could not escape. He died. His soul, however, lives on. He chose Christmas to be the day he goes out in search of souls. Many scientists and scholars don’t know exactly why, but one theory is believed that he chose Christmas because it is the birthday of the United States of America. Another theory is that he closed his eyes and pointed to a random day on the calendar. He begins to awake during the week before Christmas. If you were asleep for over 300 days a year, it would take you a long time to wake up too. We start singing carols early to put him back to sleep as he is waking up. This sort of stops the problem before it starts. But it is not a solution. The military is looking into possible solutions to keep his soul underground. One proposed idea is to cover the entire earth in steel plating. But that plan was rejected due to the fact that, well, that’s a lot of steel. Every Christmas, there are a lot of deaths. The public is told that they are from drunk drivers or alcohol poisoning. The problem is that this isn’t true. Here is what accually happens. People have been singing carols less and less. And Jesus’ ghost is becoming immune to the carols. He is getting stronger but not strong enough to steal a soul from someone who is fully conscious. So he waits till someone passes out from drinking, and he steals his or her soul then. The obvious solution is to sing more carols. Blare them from your home stereos and from your car radios. We must do all that we can to keep his ghost asleep. For if he is not stopped, the consequences could be dire… Last edited by nonkem; 02-14-2005 at 07:53 PM.. Reason: Mistakes |
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| carols, christmas, hell, reason |
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