Apologies to all the women out there but this is the truth!
 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR, Three
men -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q, Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What's the difference between men and women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
A. Rename the folder "Instruction manuals." or "Directions"

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one of them will stop to ask for directions.

Okay so these are maybe a little close to the edge but it's all in good fun:

Q: Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need to be cleaned.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
A: Kick her in the ass and tell her to get busy.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfiend?
A: About 35 pounds.

And one for the ladies!!!!

Q: What's the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?
A: About 35 minutes!!! :D

hahaha lizzy you kick ass girl!!

1.Men are proof that women can take a joke.
2.Men are like gum anyway -- after you chew they lose their flavor
3.Men have always detested women’s gossip because they suspect the truth: their measurements are being taken and compared.
4.Men seem to flip around the television more than women. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don’t even know what the hell they’re not watching. You know we just keep going, “Rerun, that’s stupid, he’s stupid, go, go, go.” “What are you watching?” “I don’t care, I gotta keep going.” “Who was that?” “I don’t know what it was, doesn’t matter, it’s not your fault. I gotta keep going.” “I think that’s a documentary on your father.” “Don’t care, what else is on?” Women don’t do this. Women will stop and go, “Well let me see what the show is, before I change the channel. Maybe we can nurture it, work with it, help it grow into something.” Men don’t do that. Because women nest and men hunt. That’s why we watch TV differently.

hehehe..maybe i should start a thread with these in the ladies lounge...seems all the girlys would enjoy them ;)

ladies, Mee-owch.

Those jokes were too funny.

ahh -- you're a good man... :D

hahaha this thread is funny as hell...i think i'll make a thread in ladies lounge with just *sigh..men..* stuff...

Here's one for ya:
Why must a woman wear white when getting married?
So she matches the refridgerator when doing the dishes.

Disclaimer: I love you, women! Don't kill me!

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Good god that's hilarious! Women are crazy! Men are dumb! Hehehee...
I suppose it's a good thing that these are so far off base and stereotypical that both sides can laugh.

Q: Why are women worse than the mafia?
A: The mafia demands money or your life; women want both.

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years."
"So what happened after that?"
"We met each other."

Why don't men like to get drunk around their wives?
Because they start seeing doubles.


and,


Who has more sense: men or women?
-Women, of course. Have you ever seen a woman marry someone just because he had nice legs?

I love this one

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

HAHAHA ;) Thanks..

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.

Q: Why can't women ski?
A: No snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

I actually shared these w/ my wife and daughters...I can't wait to hear their responses.

They are too funny.

Those are all great. Don't think I will share the women jokes with the wife though.

99% truth, 1% definite truth

haha very good.

I especially like this one:

Q: Why would it be a good idea to elect a woman as President?

A: You wouldn't have to pay her as much.

And my all time fave, posted yet again

Q: What's the difference between feminists and Sumo wrestlers?

A: Sumo wrestlers shave their legs.

A;right, but don't kill me...

Q: What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: When does a woman care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A: A widower.

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WORDS WOMEN USE
It may help, but you willl never truely understand them!


'FINE'
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


'FIVE MINUTES'
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.


'NOTHING'
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD 'SIGH'
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"


SOFT 'SIGH'
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."


'GO AHEAD!'
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


'PLEASE DO!'
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"


'THANKS!'
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.


'THANKS A LOT!'
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

hahahha, great post!!!

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q What's the difference between a Hurricane and Your Wife?

A. None. When they leave you they take the house, car and most of your records!

hehehe....amusing amusing...

One of my favorite all times i forgot to post:

Why cant a man EVER trust a woman?

Because a man is smart enough not to trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die. :D

ok, all the women can kill me now. :lol:

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her....

****ducks and runs for cover****

OMG, these are all soo good.

lol considering that i think some of you have mentioned that your wives actually go on here..perhaps you really should run..;)

I think it speaks volumes for men that they preface their jokes with, "don't get mad!" while women preface their anti-men jokes with nothing.

Seeing as how I must live up to my name (don't get mad!):

Adam was getting bored in the Garden of Eden. Things were nice, but there wasn't ever really anything to do. So he decided to ask God to help him out.

"Sure," said God, "I can help you. I can create for you a creature that will be loving, friendly, caring, and a faithful companion. However, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

"Gee, I don't know, that sounds pretty expensive," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

Q: What do you do when your wife leaves te kitchen.
A: Shorten te chain.

Q: How do you break your wife's nose.
A: Hold your "fireman" under a glass table.

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

I like this one, it plays both sides of the game. Many women worry, too damn much, about how they look while being upset that the stereotype of a "perfect" woman just won't go away. Guys on the other hand assume everything that breathes would saw off its left leg for the chance to sleep with them, but don't bother to make themselves worth having in a physical or often mental sense. I refuse to ask either side not to get mad at me, so please have at it.

Why do men have to get married?



Blow up dolls and hookers dont clean!

Oldies but goodies. I like 'em.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice!!

Q: What do you call a dishwasher that doesn't work?

A: A feminist

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God called Adam and Eve in front of him and said, "I'm going to give each of you one of two gifts. You get to decide which one you take. The first is the ability to pee while standing up."

Without letting God state the second option, Adam jumped up and yelled, "I'll take it!"

God nodded to Adam, and continued, saying, "Alright Eve, since Adam picked the penis, you get the ability to have multiple orgasms."

I've had multiple discussions with girl friends (girls whom are my friends) about my utter jealousy on this subject. Of course, in all fairness, whenever they get semi-mad at me I just say, "HEY! You're just jealous 'cause I can pee standing up!" It's a nice tension breaker.

Awsome post..great jokes