tiberry

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40


9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?


And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.


8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."


Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.


7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"


6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.



5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."


Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"


4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?


3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

<see my other post on "Porn Drives Technology". Belive me, the Holodeck is coming!!!>


1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

http://www.happyfunpundit.com/

John_Gault

An excellent analysis sir.

__________________
The battle against abject stupidity cannot be fought with reason.

I am Head inquisitor in qpid's liberation army so we can take over the world before Microsoft does... Join the Revolution!

hrdwareguy

Oh man, I laughed the whole way through that. Good job.

__________________
Gun Control is hitting what you aim at

Aim for the TFP, Donate Today

Kadath

I liked how the first five sort of tied in together. Very amusing.

__________________
it's quiet in here

irateplatypus

Haha! I'm not a Trek fan, but i this cracked me up. I especially liked the part about "ensign gomez" in #4.

__________________
If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.

~ Winston Churchill

Crooky

They forgot the way Kirk's eyes lost focus/were suddenly overcome with a film of vaseline whenever an alien babe shows up. That's got to be some crazy, undocumented mutation of glaucoma or something...

__________________
"Doors aren't like assholes! They don't shut themselves!"

lionrock

Best Star Trek humor I've seen is the closing credits of the movie Trekkies. This was pretty funny too.

TerresqueÜ

"Until the Earth-shattering kaboom!"


Hahahah good list.

__________________
Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1932&highlight=petition

cJoe

The techno babble had me rolling

__________________
I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it. ...Calvin

crackpot

That was pretty darned funny.

mpedrummer2

I hereby declare this hilarious.

My ruling is final.

__________________
My sig can beat up your honor student.

Magpie0001

Thats really funny, man. Im such a dork.

__________________
Music is my first love & It will be my last.

GM2

bahahah the holodeck one was hi-fucking-larious

myMHz

I thought it was the Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator?

__________________
"The radio business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.

There's also a negative side."

miked10270

Hi Tiberry,

Regarding Item6: No Fuses....

Of course by the 23rd Century there's no fuses! They've all been replaced by hi-tec circuit-breaker thingies that sort of "boink" out. And there's none of this groping around in the sudden dark banging your knee off the table while you find a torch remember that you meant to replace the batteries last Michaelmass, grope your way to the fusebox bang your head on the top of the fusebox cupboard door and finally push the little button back in. Naahh.... All you do now is "Reverse the Polarity", and the little circuit-breaker buttons just "Boink" back in.

Of course, the lack of banging into stuff in the dark had side effects... By the 23rd Century bones were evolving weaker because of the lack of being banged. The solution? No seatbelts of course! Being flung across the bridge every time the Klingons tok a piss in your direction kind of replaced stumbling around your house in the dark looking for torches batteries and fusewire.

Of course having these circuit breakers that "Boink" in and out is the core of Federation technology - and of neccessity it's best kept secret. Forget Warp Drive, Transwarp Phaser Cannons & stuff. Just how long do you think the Borg would have taken to come up with a "Boink-Inhibitor" if they knew about it!!!?

To protect the secret, the Federation went for the Orwellian 1984 solution and ripped the page with the word "Boink" out of every dictionary in existence! If the word is destroyed then the secret's safe. Unfortunately this had a couple of unfortunate side effects... It's the reason no one in Star-Trek ever gets a Bonk... And you can forget any chance of ever seeing Tasha-Yar and T'Pol using a double-ended Bong.

Mike.

rogue49

LMFAO

All of it, but I loved 3 & 2.

Hycdubg

All of those are the honest-to-God truth. Oh yeah, and the first thing I would do on a Federation Starship would be to go to the holodeck and have an orgy with about 100 fine-ass ladies!!

Funny stuff.

__________________
Alice, that dog has been licking his own asshole for three hours. I would venture to say that there is nothing there that requires more than an hour's attention. So I would suggest that whatever he's attempting to dislodge is either gone for good....or there to stay.

-The Long Kiss Goodnight_

Force 10

yeah, all that and nobody gets naked.

GoldenOuroboros

great great great
give us more

then again...

__________________
Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!

MexicanOnABike

hehuhigahhahahhehehoho

__________________

- Movie Reviews - Ratings-

hotzot

Laughed and Laughed!

__________________
The Bully Boys are here!

vermin

And there doesn't seem to be a bathroom on any ships or planets. No one's ever gotta stop to piss.

__________________
If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

tlam109a@cox.ne

Too funny and all true.

Secondshooter

What about those damn inertial dampners? They can go from impulse speed to warp 9 with little to no "jolt" -- yet a near miss from a photon torpedo, or a small asteroid impacting the hull of the ship knocks everyone off their feet.

duckduck

I found that incredibly funny.


You know you're a techno-geek when............

__________________
Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!

SirLance

Lovin' every minute of it! By the way, there seems to be an awful lot of sex in the 23rd century. Kirk gets laid about every 10 minutes...

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

3leggedfrog

I think that about sums it all up. lol

__________________
"enjoy life to the brim but do not spill it" quoted off my tatoo

"Iam myself every day."

Glory's Sun

LOL funny as hell. I hate Star Trek but my bro is into it big-time. he wants to go to all the conventions and stuff.. heh I need to print this out for him to see.

ManWithAPlan

good thing i read this, i was almost about to watch the show..

__________________
In the end we are but wisps

gili_666

hilarious. thanks. shall pass this on

__________________
"A man may fight for many things; his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a stack of French porn." - Edmund Blackadder

Sensei

Fan-freakin-tasic!! I didn't even notice how annoying most of those could be until you pointed it out.

__________________
Slacking off with style since 1981.

Munku

Rofl that was a riot. I hate star trek myself..

aarchaon

Star Trek sucks. I tried to understand why people like it but its the same thing over and over again.

__________________
Green. Yellow. Blue.

rockogre

I've watched Star Trek forever, I remember watching the very first one back when I still had my pet dinasour.

Having to squeegie the holodeck is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen about the series.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

CinnamonGirl

They should talk, like the doors in the Hitchhiker's Guide

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

losthellhound

thats great.. Love the list

__________________
"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

Bobaphat

Funny stuff. Please don't tell anyone that I read this and enjoyed it...

__________________
--size matters not-- yoda

Redlemon

Dude... with that username, was it in any doubt?