uncle phil

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: what word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch
them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: you click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

kifferfong

Haha!!

cchris

Brilliant

__________________
There's a fine line between participation and mockery

Mikado

Absolutely gold!

CamaroRS1967

Heh

tekaweni

Hahahaha good one!

Reminds me of one along a similar line - I'm sure its been posted but I dont seem to be able to find it in a search.....

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect customer employee:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

"Yes, well, I am having a trouble with WrodPerfect."

What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of the sudden the words went away."

Went away?

"They disappeared"

Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?

"Nothing."

Nothing?

"It's blank; it won't except anything when I type."

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

"How do I tell?"

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

"What's a sea-prompt?"

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't except anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

"What's a monitor?"

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

"I don't know"

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

"Yes, I think so"

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

".......Yes, it is"

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

"No."

Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

".........Okay, here it is."

Follow it for me, and tell me if it;s plugged securely into the back of your computer.

"I can't reach."

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

"NO."

Even if you maybe put your knee on something to lean way over?

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Dark?

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Well, turn on the office light then.

"I can't."

NO? Why not?

"Because there's a power outage"

A power ... A power outage? Aha, ok, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

"Really? Is it that bad?"

Yes, I am afraid it is

"Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer

__________________
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

Speed_Gibson

just in case anyone is interested...
I have the a copy of the original bit from 17.04.45
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Old Time Radio Page
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Currently Ogg-Vorbis but all of the files on that page will be replaced with MP4 (aac in the MP4 container) versions eventually, and it should eventually look decent when I get around to it.

__________________
Started talking to yourself I see.
Yes, it's the only way I can be certain of an intelligent conversation.

Black Adder

saberyo

A+

__________________
TANSTAAFL

Speed_Gibson

just fully read the first post and it was mildly amusing even if the software used for the convenient names is crap that I would recommend anyone asking me to avoid.

__________________
Started talking to yourself I see.
Yes, it's the only way I can be certain of an intelligent conversation.

Black Adder