nanofever

I was at a friend of a friend of a friend's house for a party this weekend, which roughly translated means I knew only 2 people in the entire place. I was standing around clueless, being introduced to a bunch of people I wouldn't remember in the morning and wishing my wife wasn't having such a good time so we could get the hell out of there, when suddenly I felt the urge to relieve myself.

I made my way to the restroom off of the main hall downstairs, entered the tiny half-bath, and closed the door behind me. As I heard the soft click of the latch shut behind me, I bent down and lifted the lid. Shock and surprise filled me as I saw what I swear to God was the largest log of fecal matter I have ever seen in my entire life floating on the surface of the crystal blue water.

To say this thing was large is a total understatement. This thing was enormous. Think "Subway 12 inch sandwich" and you would be on the right track. Now, Think Jared Fogle before the Subway diet and you'd be right on the mark.

The very first thought that came to my mind was "JESUS HOLY FUCK! Whose anus is large enough to accommodate THAT?!" But other, more urgent matters were making their presence known, so I proceeded to evacuate my bladder into the toilet. I tried my best to aim for the porcelain right above the water line at the back of the bowl, until my mind started to ponder how on earth something of that magnitude could have made its way out of any human being, at which point the stream intersected with the lump o' foul, and began misting up and out of the bowl.

There was now an unholy spray of urine against the tank of the toilet, and the walls immediately on either side.

"Drat!" I said in my mind, which came out of my mouth sounding like "FUCK!" I cursed the fiend who had left this gift for me to contend with. Now I had to clean a mess that, by all rights, wasn't mine. I looked at the toilet paper roll.

None.

Normally, when faced with this type of situation, one thinks, "How on earth am I going to clean this now?" But my mind was locked on the fact that whoever left this massive loaf of gross DID NOT WIPE AFTERWARDS. That, mixed with some of the worst crab dip I have ever eaten, did it. Knowing that one of my fellow party guests was walking around with a bleeding rectum just made me completely ill.

I vomited.

Into the toilet.

With the "gift."

As I was hurling, my eyes opened to see this vomit and urine covered brick of poo floating in the now green bowl of my friend's toilet. Out of sheer reflex, I winced and turned my head. While still vomiting.

The linoleum was nuked.

I looked around for something to wipe my mouth, and found nothing. No washcloths, no towels, nothing. So now, there was vomit on the linoleum, urine on the walls, and a toilet full of the nastiest witches' brew of disgusting things.

Naturally, at that exact moment, someone else decided they needed to use the restroom and knocked at the door.

"Just a minute!"

I hit the sink, rinsed out my mouth, and came to my senses: I had to deal with this situation, and fast.

I thought the best way to get started was to get rid of the soup that was fermenting in the bowl, so I flushed. The water swirled and green nastiness was replaced with blue freshness ... all but for the gigantic link still bobbing in the toilet.

I flushed again. It bobbed and spun, but would NOT go down the evacuator.

*bang bang*

"Hold on just a moment!"

"Hurry up, I really need to go!"

"Can't you use the other bathroom?"

"Someone's already in it."

"Sounds remarkably similar to this one, doesn't it? Why don't you go bang on that door?"

"Because I'm already down here and I REALLY gotta go! Please hurry!"

Now, under my Rangers jersey, I was wearing a brand-new Hanes T-shirt. I quickly pulled both shirts off and put the jersey back on. I wet the T-shirt and began the arduous task of mopping up the mess.

As I soaked up the lake of illness on the floor, rinsing and wringing out the T-shirt, I couldn't help but think that, considering the Rangers' recent performance, I had probably picked the more valuable of the two garments to perform this unholy duty. Finally, I managed to get the mess cleaned up ... and not a moment too soon, because just as I wrung the last of my sick out of the T-shirt, the pounding started again.

"HURRY UP IN THERE!"

"Almost finished! Just another second!"

"It's been 10 minutes! Jesus, what are you doing in there?"

"Praying!"

"Oh, come on!"

"No, I am. I am a Scientologist. We pray in the restroom."

"WHY??"

"The smoothness of the porcelain better resonates our thoughts to our Xenusian brothers."

"What are you talking about??"

"On the advanced levels (called OT levels) above the state of Clear, we encounter Xenu. Xenu gathered up all the overpopulation in this sector of the galaxy, brought them here to Earth, and then exterminated them using hydrogen bombs. The souls of these murdered people infested the body of everyone. They are called body thetans. We must get rid of them by praying in linoleum rooms."

"..."

"It's all very complicated. If you would like, I can recommend a book..."

"Would you just shut up and HURRY THE FUCK UP??"

"Don't cast my religion off, you fascist!"

*mumble mumble* *BANG*

The enemy had been silenced. This left me with the issue of the world's largest mass of waste matter to contend with.

I looked for a plunger or a can of air freshener -- anything I could lift it out of the bowl with. No luck. The only resort was to grab the poo with the t-shirt, wrap it up, and throw it away.

So I put the shirt around my hand.

I reached into the tank.

I grabbed the monster and wrapped it up. I looked for a garbage can.

FUCK! NO GARBAGE CAN!!

*BANG BANG*

"I'M TIRED OF WAITING! OPEN THIS DOOR AND GET OUT!"

I placed the wet and discolored former T-shirt on the counter, opened the door, and came face to face with this irate bastard.

"Real quick, are you doing number one or number two?" I asked him.

"What the hell does it matter?"

"Believe me, it does. Which one?"

"Two, why?"

"There's no paper. You are going to have to use that old towel there on the counter. Don't worry, it's clean. I just used it to wash my face a second ago."

"Thanks, buddy."

*SLAM* *click*

About 5 minutes go by.

From the other side of the downstairs bathroom door came the most hideous shriek you have ever heard, followed by a string of vulgarity so artistically crafted, it could only be rivaled by my father. I decided that this was a good time to make my way out of the apartment and down the street to the Waffle House at the corner -- a place where I knew I could have a decent cup of coffee and not worry if any of it would end up on the walls later.

From Zug.com, so funny it hurts

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I'm leaving for the University of California: Santa Barbara in 5 hours, give me your best college advice - things I need, good ideas, bad ideas, nooky, ect.

Originally Posted by Norseman on another forum:
"Yeah, the problem with the world is the stupid people are all cocksure of themselves and the intellectuals are full of doubt."

Scipio

I'd say "ouch!" but that seems wholly inadequate.

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"Erections lasting more than 4 hours, though rare, require immediate medical attention."

asudevil83

you mean someone took the biggest shit ever and didnt wipe.....now thats fucked up

asudevil83

you mean that someone shit the biggest shit ever and didnt have ANY toilet paper. lol

questone

Side splitting funny, I almost crapped my pants

skier

hahahahaha great one

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

soccerchamp76

At a high school hockey game at U.S. Ice Sports Complex over in St. Louis in one of the stalls there was also a gigantic sized movement.
This thing was equally massive and I saw it firsthand and it had been there for a long time (think days) and nobody wanted to deal with it and people were coming into the bathroom to take pictures! This is a multiple stall bathroom, mind you.

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Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

mofonyx

Would be better dictated than read . Need the expressions :P

fatboss

Classic Toilet Humour!!!

My sides are aching

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"never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

tcm_eternal

that was great!
i about died reading it

PayUp

Actually got a tear from me...

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Born to Lose.

Corneo

Hahaha reminds me of my highschool bathroom.

raist

ROFL thats great. sending that story to some friends hehe

jizzmasterp

Oh man, I was laughing for five minutes from that. I haven't laughed that hard in a month.

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Don't mind the name. It was chosen before I discovered that there were forums that didn't start with "Titty."