spastar

CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Calgary, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Dome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Calgary from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Calgaryians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I s h i t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.?

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"Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? > >When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went."

Beauty fades ………………Dumb is forever

Grimlok

Great Post. I loved it and I do have tears rolling down my face.

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FaderMonkey

That was great...trying not to laugh too hard at work

fizzledorf

i laughed harder this time than when i read it before! This is absolutely hilarious...

tekaweni

That WAS great, I laughed out loud which I seldom do!

Got any more?

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japhyryder

I loved it my eyes are tearing up

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Paq

hilarity in excess.

funniest thing i've read in years

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Chris

Slayer

lol nice one dude!!

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Destrox

That was the tip of the iceberg for me, I was laughing hard.

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You bore me.... next.

nash

There's a Hard Times Cafe nearby that claims to sell Texas-styled Chili. Their chili turned out to be the blandest chili I've ever tasted.

NoSoup

Simply Hilarious...

I am at work, so now I have some people thinking that I am just convulsing over here at my desk...

spastar

[QUOTE]Originally posted by spastar
[B]CHILI CONTEST

That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



LOL I DYE EVERY TIME I READ IT!!!

Sensei

I guess I'm the only person here that only found this mildly amusing. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

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tehhappyboy

Yeah, never build up a joke. It's mild. Must be canadian humor. I wonder how canadians would take a real joke ; )

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way to get when things are going your way. Hey Hey.

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GM2

Did you change Texans to Calgaryians? Whoever did forgot one of them in the part about the first chili tasting.

flagpole

I actually am crying with laughter. Frank rules

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Jackebear

Friggin' hilarious.

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spastar

lol too funny

Dilbert1234567

oh god that funny.

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Donate Blood!

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cameroncrazy822

That is absolutely one of the funniest "long lead up" joke I have ever read/heard. It's a classic!

assilem

I read that a couple of years ago. One of the funniest pieces I've read. I wish some one would make it into a short film.

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jizzmasterp

On a side note: have you noticed that in most cases, when a restaurant pumps up how spicy its wings and chili are they usually have no spice whatsoever. I blame Frank's red hot, its not hot at all and is overused by restaurants. Bah, rant over.

matt_mll

had 3 people walk into my office wondering what the hell was so F***ing funny. Emailed it to them, so on and so forth. I think as a company we've lost a good amount of productivity due to this joke. Thanks!

WarWagon

Bingo.

Seer666

The people on the computers next to me are looking at me funny I'm laughing so hard.

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I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

PDOUBLEOP

I'm crying my eyes out.

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ef you-you effing ef

Blu2e354

good one