assilem

One more.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her in the ass.

Sorry.

__________________
The mother of mankind, what time his pride
Had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host
Of rebel Angels

Acton1775

I thought this one was a scream!!

assilem

It would be even funnier if it the punch line were: "Holy shit! I'm a talking biscuit"

__________________
The mother of mankind, what time his pride
Had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host
Of rebel Angels

CSflim

you've all got the peanut joke wrong! Although it works better said aloud, here it is:

Two peanuts were walking through the park, and one of them was assaulted................peanut.

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QuasiMojo

Pete and Repete were fishing in a boat,
Pete fell out. Now who was left?


Pete and Repete were fishing in a boat,
Pete fell out. Now who was left?

adinfinatum....

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AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

Cyber Phunk

BTW...

'tis
"two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun"
refers to the Big-Mac at McDonalds.

'scuse the misspellin,

Amarth

I bet this is somewhere else on here, but oh well.

A guy is sitting in a bar drinking himself stupid when a woman sits next to him and says, "What's wrong?"

Man: "My wife left me because I was too kinky for her."

Woman: "You're kidding! My husband just left me for the same reason!"

Man: "This is too good to be true. Should we go to your place or mine?"

Woman: "Mine."

They go to the woman's house.

Woman: "I'll be right back, just going to slip into something more comfortable."

She leaves and comes back decked out in the most insane dominatrix outfit imaginable. Black leather, whips, the works. To her surprise, the guy is putting his clothes on.

Woman: "What's the matter?"

Man: "I already fucked your dog and took a shit in your shoes, I'm done here."

blkdmnd

another bad wabbit joke...



Q. What's a wok?



A. It's what you throw at a wabbit.


One more.


Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog?



A. Light it on fire and, WOOF

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I blow my nose at you. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

chef001_2003

after the crib death hear goes

what is the second most digusting thing in the world?

A trash can full of dead babies.

what is the most disgusting thing in the world?

a live one at the bottom eating it's way out.


sorry the other one reminded me of this one

bond007

chef, you left one out...

Q. why do you boil water when babies are born?

A. in case it dies, you can have soup!

CSflim

BZZZZZZZ!

Someone didn't read his rules!

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buffto

why couldn't helen keller drive?







because she was a woman

Mister B

Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?



For Drizzle.




What did Snoop Dogg put on his salad?


Bacon Beeaaats.

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"Little racoons and old possums 'n' stuff all live up in here. They've got to have a little place to sit." Bob Ross.

kutulu

Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake one day, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses stands up in the boat, rolls up his sleeves and grabs his staff. He takes a deep breath and raises his staff. The angels began to sing, the lake turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the lake parted. He smiles and as he lowers his staff, the water goes back to normal. Moses sits down and smugly says to Jesus, "Ya, I've still got it, how about you?"

Jesus looks at him and says "Of course I've still got it." He laughs a little, stands up at the edge of the boat and slowly steps to the water. He promply sinks like a rock. He swims back up and says to Moses:

"It was a hell of a lot easier before I had these holes in my goddamned feet!"

kutulu

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?









A paraplegic after a house fire.

Did you hear about the gay lawyer?







He blew his first case.

mattgical

how many mafia guys does it take for a burial?

one, to close the trunk.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

how do you breathe through that thing?

You hear about the new Mexican Phone company?

Its called Taco Bell.

Latch

Perfect!

bluebenhsg

got a couple for ya....



why do ducks have flat feet?






to put out forest fires.

why do elephants have flat feet?







to put out flaming ducks.

heehee

__________________
You shot who in the what now?!

hivesman

Heisenberg was driving through the desert when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked him if he knew how fast he was going. Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

neddy65

How many kids with A D D does it take to screw in a light bulb?










Wanna go ride bikes?

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If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything?

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!

Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

majik_6

Aww, I got all the way to the end, and I had my hopes up that I'd be the first to post it! But, I've gotta give you props. That's the worst (and by far best) joke ever written.

__________________
it's all about self-indulgence

mojodragon

This guy goes into a public restroom, and he notices a 3 foot tall, red haired person with green clothes, urinating. Now, odd as this seems, it's even stranger that the short guy has a 15 inch cock. "What the hell?!?" says the guy. "Damn, you caught me, I'm a Leprechaun. Now I have to grant you a wish."

The guy scratched his head for a sec. "Don't you guys have pots of gold or something like that?"

"No, that's just a myth. We grant wishes."

"Well, I'd like my cock to be 15 inches too." the guy replies

"Ok, but to work the magic, you have to have sex with me."

This makes the guy pause, but then he just thinks about how great it would be to have that large of a cock. "Ok"

After the Leprechaun finishes his business, he says "Ok, now, how old are you?"

"I'm 36, why?"

"And you still believe in Leprechauns?"

mojodragon

I laughed out loud at this one, much to the surprise of the people right outside my window.

ironman

There was a joke that was SO, SO bad, that came to hell.

__________________
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong

Hondasport19

my friend told me a gross one:

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg???











pick him up and suck him off

__________________
MBowe#19

mofonyx

Why must you be angry?! Can't you be gree-ann?

I dun have sideburns, I burn my sides!

Ohhhhohohoho~

canucker

How many male chauvinist's does it take to screw in a light bulb?














None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

__________________
Go hard or go home;
Just don't go home hard.

kulrblind

Pierre was walking down a street in Montreal with a case of beer under his arm, when he's met by Jacques, walking the opposite direction.

Jacques: "Hey, Pierre... is that a case of beer you're holding?"

Pierre: "Yep. I got it for my wife"

Jacques: "Wow. Good trade."

JayRock

how can a report card sting you?







if its full of B's

MooseMan3000

Oh dear. =D

Seer666

What's better then winning the Special Olympics?











Not being retarded

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

SixEdxMia

What do Hippopotumus's have that no other animal in the world has???









BABY hippopotumusess'ssss'.!!!

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Honey,We're home.

Giltwist

YES! Read all the way to the end and neither one of my two are taken. Crap one first and so bad its good is second.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.

In other news today, multimillionaire Hugh Hefner finally ejected a squatting monastic order from his property today after a long legal battle. Apparantly the monks just walked up one day and started selling flowers. When Hefner heard about this, he sent down his security to eject them, but the kindhearted guard couldn't hit men of the cloth. Then, the playboy owner sent down one of his girlfriends in order to persuade them to leave, but the monks had taken a vow of chastity. Undeterred, he sent his lawyers to court. However, the monks didn't make their court date. Frustrated, Hefner went down and personally dealt with the matter. One of the monks was later quoted as saying,

"Apparantly only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

BUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHhA

dumbnutofak

In the words of my old man and his buddyFishKing and Boo

"A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club"

"A Skeleton Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Beer And A Mop"

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If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is a man who has so much as to be out of danger?

bond007

Q. what goes... mark! mark!


A. a dog with a harelip.

glasscutter43

Did you hear about the two gay Scotsman?
One was named Ben Dover and the other Philip McAvity.

__________________
Book 'em Danno

Kodega

Why does it take two blondes to make chocolate chip cookies.

One to mix the batter and the one to squeeze the gerbil.


One day a yellow frog wanted to be like no other frog in the world. So he went to the Good Witch and said. "Turn me into a diffrent color so I will be driffrent from all the other frogs in the world." The Good Witch agreed and turned the frog green, all execpt for his penis. The frog asked the Good Witch why she didn't change his penis colors and she replied "Oh, I don't do that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the Frog hops off. A little while later a pink elephant walks up to the Good Witch and says "Change me into a diffrent color than all the other elephants in the world." Again the Witch did as asked and turned elephant grey, all except for his penis. The elphant asked why his penis remained pink and the Witch responeded "I don't deal with those, you'll have to see the wizard to get your penis turned grey." The elphant replied "But I don't know how to get to the Wizard." To which the Witch replied "Follow the yellow dick toad."

Laugh!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get a drink of water. I actually followed a chicken once as it crossed the road and that's what it did.

borg7171

What flys and is very dangerous?




A flying elephant with a machine gun.

=)
Cheers

Rudel73

Haha that was kinda funny and sad that i understood it