tekaweni

If you've never used IRC chat you wont get all of these, but still a good read..

posted on: 01-05-2004

([SA]HatfulOfHollow) i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

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(erno) hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

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(tatclass) YOU ALL SUCK DICK
(tatclass) er.
(tatclass) hi.
(andy\code) A common typo.
(tatclass) the keys are like right next to each other.

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t0rbad) so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder) i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder) WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder) IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder) AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder) NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder) NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder) IN FACT
BlackAdder) IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder) I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder) SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad) so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError) right
heartless) Right.
r3v) right

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(xterm) The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

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* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm being an asshole -
(ab) HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

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(JonJonB) Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
(JonJonB) Let's see the results...

(JonJonB) "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
(JonJonB) "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

(JonJonB) A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

(JonJonB) "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
(JonJonB) "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

(JonJonB) Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

(JonJonB) "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

(JonJonB) The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

(JonJonB) He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

(JonJonB) He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

(JonJonB) Ok
(JonJonB) I have found, definitive proof
(JonJonB) that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

(JonJonB) "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

(melusine ) O_______O

(JonJonB) Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

(JonJonB) Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

(JonJonB) 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

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(ohm) damn
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) DAMN
(ohm) i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) i go like this to her
(ohm) "i want to suck on your clit"
(ohm) FUCK

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(AgentSmith) It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest...
(AgentSmith) One of these...has a future.
(Randerson) LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean about this
(AgentSmith) How can you use the phone when you cannot...speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

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(Beeth) Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
(honx) well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

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(tag) Ouroboros: lets play Pong
(Ouroboros) Ok.
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) . |
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) . |
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) | .
(Ouroboros) Whoops

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(calin) we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator
(ecoli) ew.
(ecoli) wait, you "caught" him?
(ecoli) like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?
(Aero) he doesnt answer
*** Quits: calin (No route to host)

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(ckx) women ask for it
(ckx) they act all old and mature
(ckx) and then you stick your cock up their ass
(ckx) and they get all bitchy
(ckx) "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"

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(mage) what should I give sister for unzipping?
(Kevyn) Um. Ten bucks?
(mage) no I mean like, WinZip?

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(superwoman) I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
(GrandCow) HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
(superwoman) DANNY?!?!?!
(GrandCow) MOM?!?!?!?!

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(glome) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
(content) glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
(glome) Who me?!
(content) Yes you!
(glome) Couldn't be!a
(content) Then WHO?!!
(glome) Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch)

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(studdud) what the fuck is wtf

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(blazemore) LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
(FlipTopBx) is it modded?

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(wolf) 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
(wolf) 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
(wolf) 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business Reply Mail Envelope.
(wolf) 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold in your hand.
(wolf) 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away whistling.
(wolf) I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
(wolf) Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

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(Night-hen-gayle) I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

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(Hiroe) he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
(Hiroe) like, HUGE costume
(Hiroe) 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
(Hiroe) at some anime con in california
(Hiroe) they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
(Hiroe) he's riding the elevator down to the con space
(Hiroe) doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
(Hiroe) he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

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(DaZE) at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

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(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what sucks?
(TheXPhial) vaccuums
(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
(TheXPhial) black holes
(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
(TheXPhial) lava?

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(Kazz) Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses.
(Zaratustra) a vampire's anus is present, but non-working.
(Zaratustra) like a network card without the appropriate driver.
(Kazz) Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
(Sharkey) And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

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(Charlesowns) Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gayporn.
(Charlesowns) man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay... it owns

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(Jeedo) hey baby, whats up?
(Indidge) umm....nothing?
(Jeedo) So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
(Indidge) Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
(Jeedo) Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

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(NES) lol
(NES) I download something from Napster
(NES) And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
(NES) I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
(NES) "getting my song back fucker"

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*** Quits: TITANIC (Excess Flood)

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(+kritical) christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
(+Christin1) how do i do that

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(Raize) can you guys see what I type?
(vecna) no, raize
(Raize) How do I set it up so you can see it?

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(Sui88) 67% of girls are stupid
(V-girl) i belong with the other 13%

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(Mikkel) If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
(Celestya) i dont think so
(Mikkel) Wanna go camping?

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* dregan kicks Yamucha in the nuts
* dregan stamps on Yamucha's neck
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Yamucha
(dregan) Oh shit.

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(FM{FF1}) Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
(FM{FF1}) ...men.
(FM{FF1}) GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

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(blazemore) omg i love this song
(blazemore) Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
(Javi) blazemore: yeah, that's a bad ass song

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(skrike) I think the people above me are having sex
(skrike) either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

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(Paradox) So, guys, I have some news.
(Paradox) I know I usually don't talk much about stuff unless it's solid, but this is interesting, and I think you should know.
(Paradox) I just got an E-mail about an interesting proposition.
* volsung_ perks up.
(Paradox) Apparently, there are lesbians that want my 'hard cock.'
* volsung_ flips Paradox the bird.
(Paradox) They want it 'now,' apparently, so the timetable is somewhat limited.
(volsung_) Are you going to just take their offer as presented, or is there an opportunity for negotiation?
(Paradox) I'm not sure.
(volsung_) I'm sure your hard cock is in great demand. An exclusive deal might not be in your best interest.
(Paradox) Last time I got an offer like this, there were some catches.

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(reuben) somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
(reuben) i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
(cristobal) why don't you put ice on the stairs
(cristobal) and heat up the door knob
(cristobal) and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
(cristobal) then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

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[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches english?
[01:35] (hilo21) fuck you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my ass, but can't read the road signs to get to my house?

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__________________
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

uffjohn

hehe yeah, bash.org is great

MexicanOnABike

YESSSS!!!! i understand them all! great stuff!!

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- Movie Reviews - Ratings-

Marburg

It must have taken a lot of time to change all of the <angle brakets> to (parentises)!

Oh yea, here's a link to bash if anyone wants to waste a day: http://bash.org/?top

__________________
Ask a simple question... get pain.

Smimpinj

Thats hilarious. I can barely stop laughing to keep laughing....uh yeah.

Destrox

gotta love irc funnies I could read these all day long.

__________________
You bore me.... next.

Silvy

Oh man, these are great!
I understand most of them too!

hilarious, thanx!

Oh man, these are great!
I understand most of them too!

hilarious, thanx!

Edit from the linked site I got this:

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"Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. "
- Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints)

fizzledorf

this is one of the funniest things I've read online in awhile. Thanks tekaweni, I laughed many, many times...

blkdmnd

I got most of them. Very funny. An someone please explain the . . . . YOU ALL SUCK DICK?

__________________
I blow my nose at you. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

losthellhound

Love this list.. I saw it on albinoblacksheep awhile ago..

__________________
"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

Vizzini

LOL, Just forwarded this to my frineds at work. Half the floor is laughing their heads off

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Inconceivable!

krazykemist

Dunno why it is but everytime I read that I almost fall out my chair laughing for like 5 mins.

__________________
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Tolstoy

Shpoop

yea teh above one is absolutely priceless...so was the i think 4th one with blackadder... i couldnt stop laughing

Apokx

Oh man,that was hilarious.

Awesome ;D

soccerchamp76

<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<kylev> hahahahaha
<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha

__________________
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

FoolThemAll

There's some great stuff here. wtf is wtf?

__________________
I wonder if we're stuck in Rome.

gefax

(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

Ahahahahah, that site is awesome~

Seer666

That is some funny funny shit

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

Gortexfogg

Hilarious stuff!

fro2020

I love IRC. Second best place to find the Internet scum of humanity...just after Usenet

__________________
I'm not prejudiced...I hate everyone equally.

nothingx

Fantastic. Thank you sir. I needed a laugh.

asudevil83

<sugar> if superman and batman got into a fight, who would win?
<muffins> well, superman wears his undies on the outside...batman wears his on his head
<muffins> tough call

Aletheia

You have got to love Bash.org

CaptainSpeedy

funny !

suviko

Copies of bash.org:s top list..

hu-man

Haha... these are great.

Lasereth

Ha ha, those are incredibly funny. I hate most stuff like this, especially chat logs (they're usually stupid), but these are really funny.

-Lasereth

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

cheffer

Hey! Thanks for the original host, bash.org. My favorite:

<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

I just pissed myself I laughed so hard.