phathom

Here's an idea, havn't saw a thread dedicated to Jack Handey, the philosphor for the ages, heh, so here we go, post all your Jack Handey quotes here.

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.'"

"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula.

Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman.'"

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uhoh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful sweptback features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

lucidity

Love deepthoughts. They always crack me up.

My absolute fav:

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Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see. -William Newton Clark

dfence

who is this guy and why have i never heard of him?????!?

forgotten_dream

1) "Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy" was from Saturday Night Live
2) Because you live under a rock?

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"A ouija board just works better if you've made it yourself. It's sortof like how 'Clue' is more interesting when one of you has actually killed someone."

sillygirl

I never watched SNL until a while ago, I'm never home, and my family hates it.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Slacks_01

I love things like these, usually funny and insightful!

CryptikSoul

Couple more:

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

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"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here.
I'm mad, you're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

CinnamonGirl

heh...I miss Deep Thoughts... "Laurie got offended when I used the word puke, but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

mystmarimatt

i love jack Handey so much... "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. "

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Words of Wisdom:

If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

Gortexfogg

Hilarious stuff!

nash

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

I've always loved these. He is a genius.