aphex140

If you are a ____ist or easily offended do not read on
SOme classics
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
> > > >What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
> >What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
> > > >How can you tell if your wife is dead? > >The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
> > > >How can you tell if your husband is dead? > >The sex is the same, but you get the remote control. > > > >What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? > >HumpmeDumpme. > > > >
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? > >Marriage. > > > >
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? > >Through his chest with a sharp knife. > > > >
What have women and floor tiles got in common? > >If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for > >life. > > > >
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and > >good-looking? > >Because those men already have boyfriends.
> > > >What is a man's view of safe sex? > >A padded headboard.
> > > >How do men sort their laundry? > >Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
> > > >What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? > >After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
> > > >What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? > >The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of > >driving.
> > > >What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
> > > >Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?> >The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a > >dozen donuts. > >
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? > >The woman who ate the last donut.
> > > >What is the difference between a battery and a man? > >A battery has a positive side.
> > > >Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? > >When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
> > > >Do you know the punishment for bigamy? > >Two mothers-in-law.
> > > >How many men does it take to open a beer? > >None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> > > >Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? > >Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be > >able to support you
. > > > >Why do women have smaller feet than men? > >It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to > >the kitchen sink.
> > > >How do you fix a woman's watch? > >You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> > > >If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the > >front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once > >you let him in.
> > > >What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > >A woman that won't do what she's told.
> > > >I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > > >I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. > >I don't like to interrupt her.
> > > >What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? > >Divorced.
> > > >Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% > >It is called Wedding Cake.
> > > >Marriage is a 3-ring circus: > >Engagement Ring > >Wedding Ring, > >Suffering.
> > > >Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, > >Dust!"
> > > >In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > >Then God created Man and rested. > >Then God created Woman. > >Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> > > >Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man > >doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" > >Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

FoolThemAll

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > >A woman that won't do what she's told.

Best one. Good stuff.

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I wonder if we're stuck in Rome.

Slacks_01

i didn;t find that too offensive

Church

lol

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Through counter-intelligence, it should be possible to pinpoint potential trouble makers, and neutralize them.

bacon_masta

offensive, but i was entertained so it's ok. great jokes

CinnamonGirl

Sad, but true

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Homey_V

Try harder, Im not offended
Amusing though

Zander

Old but good.

small one

Not offensive, just damned funny

CamaroRS1967

Very funny, thanks for sharing.

Ilow

I like how it's eqully offensive to everyone! funny stuff

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"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

mastboyx

mildly offensive but great jokes

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Ignorance Is Bliss

WarWagon

Whats laundry?

Iliftrocks

heh heh

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Crack

Funky, or Funky but will not cause a reaction in a crowd of people...

Thats how I separte mine

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

HLP

Great jokes! I'm not offended but I know a few people who will be when I tell em these!!

qtpye4u84

NOw that was cool lol nice work that was some funny crule shizzzzzzzit

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The QTpie

bond007

for some reason, this one made me laugh!

blaze

Hahaha I concur.
That's my fav.

crackpot

Good stuff. I liked the <i>"Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink."</i> joke, cuz you can start to tell it, sorta Cliff Clavin style, just spouting trivia, then WHAM! punchline out of nowhere.
Thanks for the post!