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Old 02-06-2004, 12:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
The Griffin
 
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Better an ASSHOLE than a WHOLEASS!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ..so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me!," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my

black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better
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Old 02-06-2004, 01:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Australia
God that was funny. One of the best jokes i've seen here.
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Old 02-06-2004, 02:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
The Griffin
 
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yeah - try typing it
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Old 02-06-2004, 02:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
Rawr!
 
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Location: Edmontania
Ahahahaha that's great!
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Old 02-06-2004, 05:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: with the dust bunnies
hehehe.

i think we've all wanted to do that.....
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Old 02-06-2004, 07:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Sydney
What a gem.
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Old 02-06-2004, 08:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
The Best thing that never happened to you
 
Location: Silverdale, WA
Funny as hell. That's a good one... Now if I could just remember how to tell it...
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Old 02-06-2004, 11:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
Comment or else!!
 
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Location: Home sweet home
oh man..so funny...I thought it actually happened...up until the part where the person called the police and the news channel that it finally hit me. *smack! in the head*
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Old 02-07-2004, 02:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
She's Actual Size
 
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Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell
I've seen that before, but it always makes me laugh.
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Old 02-08-2004, 06:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
Insane
 
If it only worked that way IRL …
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Old 02-08-2004, 06:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: British Columbia
yea, I thought it had happened up until he crafted his master plan about having them fight.
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Old 02-09-2004, 08:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
2+2=5? Not again!
 
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Location: Dallas, Texas
That was funny. It would be self-hating in real life, of course, but it's seriously funny.
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Old 02-09-2004, 06:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
Slave of Fear
 
One of my all time favorites.
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Old 02-09-2004, 06:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
Upright
 
lmao...oh christ thats great!
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Old 02-25-2004, 01:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
Addict
 
that would make for a perfect story
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Old 02-25-2004, 09:52 PM   #16 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: i live in the state of denial
that was original, and it kicked ass!! never heard that one before
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Old 02-26-2004, 01:55 AM   #17 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: north america
thats good, maybe ill try that.. but with caller id nowadays, they could do it right back.... funny story tho
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Old 02-26-2004, 02:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
Sky Piercer
 
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Location: Ireland
id blocking maybe?
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Old 02-27-2004, 02:59 AM   #19 (permalink)
Thats MR. Muffin Face now
 
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Location: Everywhere work sends me
good story, long, but worth it
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Old 02-27-2004, 03:42 AM   #20 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.
good one funny
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Old 02-27-2004, 03:37 PM   #21 (permalink)
Addict
 
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Location: Illinois
So hilarious!!
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Old 02-27-2004, 04:28 PM   #22 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: ?
that's good...thanks for taking the time to type it out.
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Old 02-28-2004, 12:19 AM   #23 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Ok, I make it a point to not reply with, "Great joke!" and such...but I just have to.

Great joke!

Jdoe
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Old 02-28-2004, 06:55 AM   #24 (permalink)
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
 
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Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
bwahaha...that's awesome. It almost makes me want to try it...hehe.
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