FishKing

LiL johnny jokes are the best.

Thanks lil johnny

End User

Johnny dressed as a pirate for Halloween. He knocked on a door and was greeted by a matronly woman. "Aren't you a cute little pirate," she said. "But where are your buccaneers?"

To which Johnny replied "Under my buccan hat. Now give me some candy biatch."

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People who have no faults are terrible!

stash

gotta love little johnny

datroyenschwart

Mrs. Crabapple one day excites her class by telling them that from that point on, every Thursday she would ask a "question of the week" that, if answered correctly, would exempt the student from class on Friday. All of them eager for a three day weekend, they listen attentively in class the next week. At the end of class on Thursday, Mrs. Crabapple says, "Alright, here's the question of the week: How many drops of water are there in the Atlantic Ocean?" Confused and frustrated, the kids remain silent. The next week the same thing happens. "How many grains of sand are there in Miami Beach?" Again the students remain silent and angry. The third week little Johnny vows that this will not happen. On Thursday Johnny fills his backpack with black racquetballs. Once again the question of the week came at the end of class. "Here is the question of the week:" At that moment Johnny unzipped his backpack and gave it a nudge. Racquetballs spilled out all over the floor, bouncing up the aisles and rolling around the floor. "Dammit!" yelled Mrs. Crabapple. "Who's the comedien with the black balls?!"
"Eddie Murphy," repied little Johnny. "See you on Monday."

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Every day that I am alive is a great day. Life is filled with potential and love is everywhere.

dtheriault

i've been crazy busy the last few months. thanks cybermike for the lone ranger joke.

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"Remember, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer

Unless you are the freakin Highlander, what is the point in learning how to fight with a sword?

rothman

hahaha

Iliftrocks

oh crap, that's funny

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

justinh28

classics but greats!!!!!!!

diddagirl

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?", replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No", replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

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"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

MadHatder

One day in school, Little Johnny's was learning about the weather. The teacher asked, "Class, can any one tell us what animal is usually depicted as a weather vane?"

Johnny's said, "Yes, they use a cock as a weather vane."

The teacher replied, "That's right Johnny, can anyone tell us why
they use a cock?"

And Johnny said, "Yes, if they used a pussy then the wind
would whistle right through."

tekaweni

TEACHER: "Johnny, why were you off school last week?"
JOHNNY: "My Dad got burnt."
TEACHER: "Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. Was he burnt badly?"
JOHNNY: "Oh, they don't muck about at the Crematorium."

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If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

Rangsk

A first grade teacher is testing her students on how to spell. She calls on little Alice and says, "Alice, can you spell cat?"

Alice hesitently replies, "c.... a.... ...t!"

"Very good!" Replies the teacher. Next she calls on another little girl. "Mary," she says, "can you spell dog?"

Mary slowly replies, "d.... o.... g!"

"Excellent, Mary!" It was at this point that she realized that little Johnny was crying in the corner with his hands over his face. "Johnny," she asked, "why are you crying?"

"*sniff* well *sniff* Alice wouldn't let me *sniff* play with her at recess *sniff* because I'm black!" replied Johnny.

"Well!" replied the teacher, "That's discrimination! Johnny, can you spell discrimination?"

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"Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose." -- Douglas Adams

deportes

fuuny one

End User

I love this thread.

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People who have no faults are terrible!

amonkie

Passed on from my professor...


Little Johnny and his mother are at the airport, getting ready to board a plane. Johnny looks out the window and sees all the planes.
He tugs on his mom's jacket and asks, "Mom, if Big people have little people and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
Flustered, his mom tries to think of a response. After a couple seconds, she hopes he has forgotten about it, and pretends she didn't hear.
A few minutes later, Johnny asks again. Unable to come up with a good answer, Johnny's mom says "Why don't you ask the stewardness on the plane?"

Once they're on the plane, the stewardess comes by with the peanuts and drinks. Johnny asks her "If Big people have little people, and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
The stewardess looks and Johnny and says, "Did your mom tell you to ask me this?" Johnny nods. The stewardess says "Well, you can just tell your mom it's because Southwest always pulls out on time!"

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Cyber Phunk

One I haven't seen here yet:

The teacher had set the topic for show and tell as things that had changed a persons life

It came to little Jhonny's turn, and the teacher cringed as she invited him up to the front of the class.

He walked up to the chalkboard and drew a period.

The teacher asked how a period could change a persons life.

"Well", he said, "At breakfast this morning when my sister said she had missed her period, my mother fainted, my father cursed her for a whore, and the neighbor boy commited suicide."

or something similar, can't remember it correctly. Got the punchline correct, I htink.

_Gotti_

good jokes.

rolpatatsea

This is the best.

mrdarcy

A traveling salesman knocks on the door and Little Johnny answers. He's smoking a fat cigar, dropping ashes on the carpet and his breath smell of beer.
"Little boy, is your mother at home?"
Little Johnny replies, "Now what the fuck do you think?"

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[Insert pithy comment here]

Slauncha Man

Little Johnny, having spent a hard day collecting rocks in the neighborhood, was having some difficulty hauling his rock-laden wagon up a hill. As he pulled, a string of obscenities flowed from his mouth at quite an alarming rate for a ten-year-old. The town's pastor, enjoying the nice day out by taking a walk down this very same street, overheard little Johnny's pottymouth and decided to intervene. "John, my son," the pastor began, "it is not becoming of youth to use such foul language. Jesus Christ, our savior, is everywhere, and He can hear you right now."

"Oh, he's everywhere?" Little Johnny looked quite intrigued. The pastor smiled, seeing that he'd piqued Johnny's interest. "Yes, my son, he is everywhere." At this point Johnny was feverish with excitement. "Is he standing next to us?"

"Yes, my son."

"Is he under this rock?"

"Yes, my son."

"Is he in my wagon?"

"Yes, my son."

"Then tell him to get the fuck out and start pushing!"

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-Slauncha

nuts

I always enjoy hearing about all the shit Johnny has gotten into lately.

Keedo

hehehe, very good

Bentley Little

Don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but it supposed to say, "Oh God I'm coming."

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That is my 2 cents.

cameroncrazy822

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all of his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out into the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He works for the John Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

WarriorBuddha

This might be a little long, but it's a good one.

Little Johnny, curious about a new word he had heard, asked his mom, "Mom, what's fuckin'?" His mom, quite shocked that such a young boy would know such a word told him to ask his dad. When his dad heard the question, he responded with, "Well son, there's only one way to explain it, and that's to show you." So he took mom and the boy up to the bedroom and had mom strip down, lay on the bed and spread her legs. Dad then said to little Johnny, "See that hole in mommy, watch this." While dad was pounding away on mom, Johnny's sister little Suzy comes in, sees what is going on and asks Johnny, "What are they doin?" Little Johnny replies "They're fuckin'." Little Suzy asks "What's fuckin'?" To which Little Johnny replies, "See that hole in daddy? Watch this."

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Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

Dane Bramage

Monday was science day. Each child in class was supposed to bring something from home to show in class.

First up was little Suzie. She goes to the front of the class with some bugs in a jar. Suzie said, "These are grasshoppers I found in the field behind my house. I punched holes in the lid to let them breath. They eat grass."

"Very good," said the teacher, and Suzie went back to her seat.

Next up was Bobby. Bobby came to the front of the class with drawing of a volcano. He explained what forms them and how the erupt.

"Good job," said the teacher, and Bobbie returned to his seat. The rest of the class presented their science projects in much the same way. Eventually, all but Johnny had gone. The teacher reluctantly called on him to show off his project.

Johnny came to the front of the class with a shoe box. "This is a bullfrog I found in the pond behind my house," he said. "After I caught him, I broke into my neighbor's garage and stole a fire-crackers and shoved it up his ass."

"Rectum," said the teacher.

"Damn right it recked him. Blew his head clean off."

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Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

feelgood

Frog have ass?

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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

wgheow

lil johnnie is da man... ~

DJLaurieB

Little Johnny is in 3rd grade. The teacher says, ok, today we're going to concentrate on 3 syllable words. I want you to say a word, and use it in a sentence.

Suzie (little suck up) raises her hand. "Beautiful. I think my teacher is VERY beautiful."
Teacher says, Oh Suzie, thank you you just made my day.

Sally raises her hand. "Wonderful. I have a WONDERFUL time in school every day"
Teacher says, oh that's so nice to hear Sally.

Eventually everyone has a turn, except for Little Johnny, who is waving his hand around wildly. Teacher, fearing the worst, says ok Johnny, what's your word?"

Johnny says "Urinate".

teacher: Johnny! Shame on you! That's hardly an appropriate word!

Johnny retorts with, oh yeah, well, urinate...........but if your tits were bigger you'd be a 10.

superman4

That was a good one! Thanks for letting me in on it.

Tophat665

That is the first little Johnny joke I can remember hearing, years ago.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

anonymity_sucks

Lovely collection of lil johnny jokes

dubyapeeay

Little Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, my daddy can eat light bulbs." The teacher said, "Johnny don't be ridiculous, nobody can eat light bulbs."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy can. I heard him tell mommie last night that if she'd turn out the light, he'd eat it."

Ishmal

LOL i wish my teachers were thinking like that wen i was at school! i could'a got A's everytime.

refering to #31

hoobajoo

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Johnny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

SunScar

Hahaahah... awesome thread! Funny stuff.

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Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem....
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p0thead

ahha i love this thread, spent the last 2.5 hours just reading them and sharing them w/ frens and family. thanks guys!

Delvid

Read them all and laughed a ton. Thanks Johnny.

outdoor

haha, yikes. I can't wait to have kids, they are going to be just like litle johnny!

kennusion

hehe.. the last english one was great.