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08-15-2003, 07:22 AM
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#82 (permalink) |
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Loser
Location: who the fuck cares?
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A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." |
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08-17-2003, 02:39 PM
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#83 (permalink) |
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Curious
Location: NJ (but just for college)
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So the teacher comes in front of her 3rd grade class. "Class, todays vocab word is indefinitely, can anyone use it in a sentence?" Little johnny was raising his hand, but she knew better. She called on Susy.
"Because of the accident, traffic was stopped indefinitely" "Very good Susy! How about you, Alice?" "The accused murderer went to prison indefinitely" "Not bad Alice, not bad." She saw the only person left with his hand raised was johnny, so she bit her lip and called on him. "Can you use it in a sentence johnny?" "When my dick hit the back of her cunt i knew i was in definitely!!" |
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08-21-2003, 08:59 AM
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#84 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: State of confusion...wait that's medication.
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "And where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
__________________
Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion... |
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08-30-2003, 01:34 PM
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#88 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
__________________
"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest." |
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08-30-2003, 01:35 PM
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#89 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Johnny. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father? "That's what I said!"
__________________
"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest." |
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08-31-2003, 02:27 AM
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#90 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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lil johnny sitin in class when the teacher asked "what sound does a lion make"? mary responds with a "roar"
very good mary said the teacher. "what sound does a cow make asked the teacher"moooooooo responds robby very good said the teacher. "now who can tell me what sound does a cat make"? johnny responds with "woofa". the teacher said how can that be a cat makes a meeow sound johnny. well miss when you dunck it in petrol & set it a lite it goes "woofa" |
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09-06-2003, 11:16 AM
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#94 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole." "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
__________________
"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest." |
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09-10-2003, 04:58 PM
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#97 (permalink) |
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Upright
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One day a kid comes back from school, and procedes to tell his dad: "Daddy, Daddy! I had sex in school today!"
"That's great son," his dad replies, although in shock that his little son has commited such an act at such a young age. The next day when the kid comes home from school, his dad is waiting for him. "Did you have sex in school again today?," the dad asks. "No," said the kid. "My ass still hurts from yesterday." |
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09-13-2003, 05:26 AM
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#98 (permalink) |
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Loser
Location: who the fuck cares?
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens until they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking." |
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09-14-2003, 08:56 PM
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#99 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" |
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09-21-2003, 06:20 PM
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#100 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" |
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11-20-2003, 08:10 AM
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#109 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Hell???
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oh man, these are great
where do you folks get these all from?
__________________
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."----Henry David Thoreau |
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11-20-2003, 01:19 PM
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#110 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Colorado, U.S.A. (mile high)
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LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH:
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy. Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand." "Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"
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JB May the Force be with you... |
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11-30-2003, 06:58 PM
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#113 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: washington
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heres a funny one.....
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina." She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis." Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher." "Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher. My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!" |
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11-30-2003, 07:02 PM
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#114 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: washington
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another one.....
Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them. Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!" Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!" |
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11-30-2003, 07:10 PM
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#115 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: washington
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hahah this one is funnyy....
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?" |
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01-01-2004, 05:19 AM
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#118 (permalink) |
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Delicious
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requested by dtheriault : Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approached the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realized Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Little Johnny remained attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raised his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "That will teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." ------------------- Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your fuckin' lazy butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
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“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry |
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01-16-2004, 04:50 PM
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#120 (permalink) | |
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Walking is Still Honest
Location: Seattle, WA
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This is a great thread. My favorite so far is Johnny wanting to get married.
Quote:
Little Johnny went up to his dad and asked "Dad, what's the difference between Ideally and Pragmatically?" "Johnny," Dad answered, "Go to your mom and sister and ask them if they'd sleep with a stranger for one million dollars." Johnny went and asked and after some hemming and hawing, received two "yes" answers. He reported this back to his father. "Ideally, Johnny, we're sitting on two million. Pragmatically, however, your mom and sister are a couple of whores."
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I wonder if we're stuck in Rome. |
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