ratbastid

That Little Johnny. He's just no good, and he'll never amount to anything.

And yet I love him so!

jwoody

There's a little Johnny in all of us.

__________________
.

bravo49

Little Johnny jokes are stll the best

morlock

LMAO a ransom to God. WOW!

opentocomments

great one for birthdays and around christmas i got some use out of it.

__________________
How do we know that the sky is not green and we are all color-blind?

opentocomments

ok i just remebered this one

Little Johny and his dad are walking down the street and they see too dogs mating. Johny looks up at his dad and says daddy what are they doing and Johny's Dad says they are making puppys.

That night johny walks in on his parents and they are have sex so he asks his dad what are you doing. Johny's father says Well johny we are making you a little brother.

then johny says Well flip her over i want a puppy.

__________________
How do we know that the sky is not green and we are all color-blind?

tripp

The Teacher was trying to teach the alphabet to her students. To make it fun, she was going around the room and asking children to come up with words that started with certain letters. She started by asking.

"Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Johnny's hand shot up. THe teacher KNEW he would say "ass", so she waited for another hand to go up.

"Jill?"

"Apple!" Said Jill.

The teacher kept going around the room, avoiding Johnny as best she could. When she got to R, she decided to call on JOhnny, because she could not think of any bad words that started with R.

"Johnny, what is a word that starts with R?" SHe started to cringe at what might come out of his mouth.

"Rat!" Johnny said. The teach started to relax. But then Johnny threw in:

"With a huge dick!"

trashboy

A long one, but my favorite:

One day, the elementary teacher assigned each student to tell a personal story that had a moral.

The first little girl stands up and says: My family raises chickens for eggs. Every Sunday, we gather the eggs before church and take them to town with us to sell for grocery money. One Sunday we were on our way to town and the basket of eggs flew out and they all broke. We could not afford groceries and went hungry that week. The moral is, Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

The second little girl stands up and says: My family raises chickens and sells them for meat. One year we had quite a lot of eggs so our father promised a huge Christmas. But only half of them hatched. So we had a very meager Christmas and we were very disappointed. The moral is don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Then Little Johnny stands up and says: So my uncle ted is flying over the Mi-Kong Delta when his plane takes a direct hit from anti-aircraft fire. He looks around the plane and all he finds is a parachute, a case of beer, an M-16, and a big knife. So he jumps from the burning plane, and chugs the beer on the way to the ground. When he hits the ground he's surrounded by over a hundred Viet-Cong. He starts mowing them down with the machine gun until it runs out of bullets. Then he starts killing them with the knife, until it gets stuck in a skull. So he beats the rest of them to death with his bare hands.

The teacher interrupts and says: Johnny that's horrible, what could the moral of that possibly be?

And Johnny says: Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

Midlandmadman

This was posted on an earlier tfp but I thought It was too funny.....


One day at school Little Johnny is in class and his teacher tells him that humans are the only species that stutter. Immediatly little johnnys hand shoots up. "thats not true teacher", he says.
His teacher says it is so true, but johnny insists it isn't and he can prove it. So, His teachers tells him to give them an example of something other than a human stuttering.
Little johnny stands up and tells the class...."the other day I was out playing in the yard with my cat when the neighbors Pit Bull breaks through the fence and charges my cat. Well, my cat turns to the dog and says "FFFFFFFFFFF fffffffffff fffffffffff" but before he could get out " FUCK YOU !!!!!!!" the dog ate him!!!!




I dont know who originally posted this but give them some props!

__________________
Its good to be back.

morlock

The teacher is teaching a class and asks her students to use different words for fun get togethers.

Susy raises her hand and says. "I had lots of fun at the party."

Good says the teacher.

Philip raises his hand and says "I ate lots of food at the potluck."

Good says the teacher.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had lots of fun and ate a lot when I got that Ho Down."

Prophecy

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.


One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"


Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."


Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"


Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

------------------------------------

Mortgage

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
----------------------------------------

Spelling

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it.
Johnnie raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-.
Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Betty.
Betty says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.
Sorry says the teacher, that's not right.
She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
Very good Darla, says the teacher, that's correct.
Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence?
Johnnie raises his hand I know-I know, he says.
OK says the teacher, please use the word Johnnie.
Johnnie says: How did my dictate last night, Darla?

__________________
La Disciplina È La Mia Spada,
La Fede È Il Mio Schermo,
Non salti Ciecamente In Incertezza,
E Potete Raccogliere Le Ricompense.

Prophecy

This is the last one but its pretty long...

----------------------
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.


Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.


He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.


Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.


Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.


After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.


This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

__________________
La Disciplina È La Mia Spada,
La Fede È Il Mio Schermo,
Non salti Ciecamente In Incertezza,
E Potete Raccogliere Le Ricompense.

platypus

Little Johnny is in the park eating a bag of candy, and he passes an old man sitting on a bench.
The old man says "Sonny, you shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for you!"
Johnny looks up and says, "Well my grandfather lived to be a hundred!"
"Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No, he minded his own fuckin business"

-----

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees.
The old man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the old man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

His grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says Little Johnny.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "These are my cookies!"

-----

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him having a wank.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

__________________
Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

qwertyuiop

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."

And Little Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

marcus

little johnny comes home from school and asks his dad "What is the difference between theory and reality". His dad tells him to ask his sister if she would sleep with her teacher for an A. Little johnny comes back and says "she said she would". Dad tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000. little johnny comes back and said "mom would too". Dad say to little johnny "In theory we live with an A student and a millionare. In reality we live with two whores"

DoomzDayz

meh.

drag0nmanes

Mwa ha ha ha ha, good stuff, keep it coming...

RoloTomassy

One day the teacher asked if anyone could use "fascinate" in a sentence. Johnny's hand shot up, but the teacher wanted to see who else would try. No one but Johnny could so she called on him.
Johnny: "The lady next door has a sweater with ten buttons"
teacher: "that's nice Johnny, but you didn't use "fascinate" "
Johnny: "but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

DustoffXL

Some very funny stuff.. keep em coming......

nowthen

One day, the teacher tells the class they are going to have a taste test. "I am going to give you all a little of each taste on cracker, and the first one to guess each taste wins, ok children?"

So off they go with the first test, all the children take a cracker, and pretty soon Suzzie puts up her hand and says "Miss, I know this, this is apple-sauce!" "Very good suzzie, thats right".

And then the next cracker, and Billy says "I know Miss, this is Strawberry Jam". "Very good Billy, thats correct!"

Now this carries on for the next few tests, and the children are doing very well. So the teacher decides to give them a bit of a challenge, and on the next crackers she puts a drop of honey. Now, non of the children seem to recognize this, so she offers them a clue: "Now children, think of what your father calls your mother first thing in the morning...."

Johnny jumps up from behind his desk: "QUICK SPIT IT OUT! ITS ARSEHOLE FLAVOUR!!!!!!"

He he :d

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

zfleebin

This is some great stuff. I cant remember the last time I have heard a good Johnny joke before this

nofnway

Little Johnny being late to school for the third time this week had to think fast when his teacher asked "Why are you late for school again Johnny?"

Johnny replied...." I was walking to school and saw a car hit a cat right in the ass!"

The teacher corrected Johnny " We don't say ass Johnny we say rectum."

Johnny replied " Rectum?! ..hell it killed 'em"

__________________
"Iron rusts with disuse, stagnant water loses its purity and in cold water freezes. Even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind"
Leonardo Da Vinci

mike21

the one where johnny shits himself was the funniest damn joke i have ever heard!!!!! i just about shit my own self

dtheriault

does anyone remember the johnny joke with the punch line... that'll teach those indians not to fuck with the long ranger?

__________________
"Remember, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer

Unless you are the freakin Highlander, what is the point in learning how to fight with a sword?

reconmike

Little johnny is in class when his teacher asked
"who said give me liberty or give me death and in what year?"

none of the students could answer, except little Ming
"Patrick Henry 1775"

The teacher praised Ming and said " all you American students should be ashamed of yourselves, Ming here is a Japanese exchange student knew Patrick Henry said that and you didnt"

She turned to write on the blackboard when little Johnny yells

"fuck the Japanese"

the teacher turns and asked "who said that"

Little johnny replies,

"Harry Truman 1945"

__________________
Where is Darwin when ya need him?

Regziever

Geezz.. Little Jonny is da man!! hehe..

__________________
Life is shit,
Death is even worse,
So what's the point of killing yourself?
/Ignatius Camryn Paladine

Maveric

Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

bastit

these are great

__________________
Have you ever caught a fart in a cup then smelled it...uhh yeah me neither

CheapBastid

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

CheapBastid

Little Johnny is sitting with his mom at the Hair Salon while his pre-teen sister is sitting, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her haircut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the Stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your Twinkie," the Stylist playfully warns.

"Yeah..," pipes in Little Johnny." she's getting boobs too."

CheapBastid

Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"

One day Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke..."

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE, LADIES!"

CheapBastid

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect...that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She smiles and says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He smiles back and says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

Fred181

Little Johny is sitting in class one day when his teacher asks the class to use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence.
Little Suzie raises her hand and says "Last weekend my family and I were walking through the park when we saw a garden and my mom said 'That garden is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.'"
"Very good Suzie" says the teacher. "Can anyone else use beautiful twice in the same sentance?"
Little Johnnies hand instantly goes up and the teacher hesitantly calls on him
"last night my family was sitting around the dinner table and my sister announced that she was pregnant. My dad's response was
'Beautiful, fucking beautiful.'"

__________________
My heart will be restless until it finds its final rest. Then they can weigh it...

Iliftrocks

heh heh

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Soda_BoB

Goo Johnny yayay yayay!!!!

__________________
Just because you paranoid.don't mean they're not after you...- Kurt Cobain-Chopper Read
Project Dolphin: Join the TFP Typing Team!

beamrider

I swear that's the best one I've ever heard!

icarus2112

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when
the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit

majie

This is the best collection of 'little johnny' jokes I've ever seen!

acpower

hahaha damn rednecks (stereotypical ones at least)

Tickford

I wish I could be little johnny....... That would give me an excuse...

__________________
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn