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10-27-2003, 07:26 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero
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The Farter Chart
Types of farters
VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart LAZY : Just fizzles AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant SHY : Blushes when he farts silently IRREVERENT : Farts in church SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole TIMID : Jumps when he farts CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart MISERABLE : Can't fart at all CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression circa 1880) Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride. Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room. Fizzlers: Efforts at first promising, but eventual unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment. One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified by the artist's telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares. Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged. SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously. Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat. Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned. Wet Ones (aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty): Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny. Glad
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I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!! |
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