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10-20-2003, 06:37 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Tilted
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Commandments for men
I remember coming across this sometime ago, and i saved it, so just thought i'd share
 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 2.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3.It is ok for a man to cry under the following Circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14. b. Friends don't let friends use DOS. 15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. Wahahaha 18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 20.If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a.Yeah, Baby, Push it! b.C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c.Another set and we can hit the showers! 23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary. 25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes. 26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo. 29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for christmas?" with "If you loved me you'd know what I want!" gets a playstation. End of story. |
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10-20-2003, 11:23 AM
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#5 (permalink) |
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It wasnt me
Location: Scotland
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<b>4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.</b>
Arrrghhh I've had to do that. Some truly excellent ones there, thanks!
__________________
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten |
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10-20-2003, 04:04 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Banned
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13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
I heard from somewhere, don't know if it was from TFP, that many convicts will sit on the toilet with one leg completely out of the pants leg. That way if they are attacked, they can fight without getting their legs tangled up. I think a good deterrent would be to reach in the toilet, grab a handful, and start punching. |
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10-21-2003, 04:56 PM
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#11 (permalink) |
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Sarge of Blood Gulch Red Outpost Number One
Location: On the front lines against our very enemy
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ROFL, man, I can't stop laughing, this is some good stuff.
__________________
"This ain't no Ice Cream Social!" "Hey Grif, Chupathingy...how bout that? I like it...got a ring to it." "I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif." |
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10-23-2003, 06:34 PM
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#14 (permalink) |
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The Ultimate Badass
Location: Tampa
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god..... my laws are in front of me.... i shall abide.
__________________
"The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. This is all the stuff the Mommy used to tell him. She used to say, "The only frontier you have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight." Caged inside too many laws. By intangibles, she meant the Internet, movies, music, stories, art, rumors, computer programs, anything that isn't real. Virtual realities. Make-believe stuff. The culture. The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die." |
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