just HAD to share this :) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

uffjohn · 10-13-2003, 11:01 AM

This is a true story

(not mine though)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story that follows will make you laugh.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help him? I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

tekaweni · 10-13-2003, 12:15 PM

This is by far and away the best joke posted here recently!

Redlemon · 10-13-2003, 12:21 PM

Simply beautiful. I believe that it is true, there are some things that are beyond fiction.

mb99usa · 10-13-2003, 12:22 PM

a bit long but worth every minute spent reading it.

Orodinn · 10-13-2003, 02:06 PM

animals masturbate???

mrquackers · 10-13-2003, 04:53 PM

Hands down (um... sorry uffjohn... bad choice of words), the funniest thing I've read in my time on this forum.

soccerchamp76 · 10-13-2003, 07:57 PM

HAHA

Funny story, evne funnier that is is true.

Bill O'Rights · 10-14-2003, 08:26 AM

That was the funniest thing that I've read in a very long time.

Silvy · 10-14-2003, 08:39 AM

Very, very good!

Too bad I can imagine my GF behaving EXACTLY the same way

TIO · 10-14-2003, 10:04 AM

Classic!
I can sympathise with your wife...I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue either!

Midlandmadman · 10-14-2003, 10:42 AM

Ok, now that the tears are outta my eyes..... damn !!! that was funny!

Root_Beer_Man · 10-14-2003, 12:02 PM

*3 cheers*

That was the awesomest joke ever.

Keep 'em coming

Eowyn_Vala · 10-14-2003, 06:27 PM

That was THE best joke I have ever read here in the forums!

Akira · 10-14-2003, 06:43 PM

This is the funniest thing I had ever read. The person thought it was a foot and pulled it. I actually laughed in real life when I read that part.

TheClarkster · 10-14-2003, 07:05 PM

What a great joke.
What a poor confused little kid.
First it's dying, then it's having babies, then it's masturbating.

fallen_angel · 10-15-2003, 03:57 PM

lol wow that was nothing what i expected it to be, but thanx for the great laugh, although now i have this horrible mental image in my head

Tiger69z · 10-15-2003, 04:33 PM

haha this got a chuckle out of me

Nice n' cute

Dragon_Imp · 10-16-2003, 07:23 AM

Yep that has got to be the funniest thing i have read here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GSRIDER · 10-17-2003, 09:16 AM

Fantastic!!!!!

petergriffin24 · 10-17-2003, 11:07 AM

simply put that is a classic LOL great

Keg-o-Grog · 10-17-2003, 04:50 PM

you cant blame her for laughing, but she was a meanie

monty121052 · 10-18-2003, 12:53 AM

O just so funny,thanks.

Happyland · 10-18-2003, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by uffjohn
This is a true story (not mine though)

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

I bet God as some wonderful tasting sake

HamiC · 10-20-2003, 04:47 PM

Absolutely perfect......particularly if you have a wife and kids. Thanks for posting.

H12 · 10-21-2003, 05:28 PM

He he he, very nice. I would buy Ernie a female hamster, just to ensure I never made that same mistake again.

gabshu · 10-21-2003, 07:07 PM

That was awesome. Im in tears its so funny

TrogDor · 10-21-2003, 08:30 PM

Can't...stop...laughing...hahahahahahah. Great story man.

matt_mll · 10-22-2003, 06:33 AM

that was great - i will never look at a hamster the same way again.

Gortexfogg · 10-22-2003, 07:09 AM

Oh man....that was hilarious!

mml · 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM

Made my day, thanks.

The_Dude · 10-22-2003, 03:07 PM

LOL! that's so awesome! lol lol

skaterpunk · 10-23-2003, 06:28 PM

"NOT MINE THO"
bwahahaahahaha ... that was a great post....

NatureBoy · 10-23-2003, 10:27 PM

Something similar happened to me. I thought one of my pet rats was sick and he was just ... uh ... how do you say ... self-engrossed? I didn't 'assist' him, though.

iktoweya · 10-24-2003, 02:39 AM

oh that was good

weasel519 · 10-29-2003, 12:50 PM

Oh man thats funny!

sexy_bastard · 11-25-2003, 02:39 AM

outragous!!!

SabrinaFair · 11-25-2003, 06:39 AM

I had hampsters named Bert and Ernie! Too weird...Bert used to chew Ernie's ears, but I don't remember seeing them whack off.

Slacks_01 · 11-25-2003, 12:08 PM

that was sweet, laughed through most of it

Silverbrain · 11-25-2003, 12:09 PM

oh, that was hilarious, dad pulling on the member thinking it was a foot. classis

txlovely · 11-25-2003, 12:22 PM

Now a poll: how many people had hamsters named Bert and Ernie? OR
Most popular hamster names:
1 - Bert and Ernie
2 - Romeo and Juliet

10-13-2003, 11:01 AM	#1 (permalink)
uffjohn Crazy	just HAD to share this :) This is a true story (not mine though) If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story that follows will make you laugh. Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help him? I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.) "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter. Enough said.

10-13-2003, 12:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	This is by far and away the best joke posted here recently! __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-13-2003, 12:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	Simply beautiful. I believe that it is true, there are some things that are beyond fiction. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

10-13-2003, 12:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	a bit long but worth every minute spent reading it. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-13-2003, 04:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
mrquackers Exhausted Location: Northeastern US - please send help!	Hands down (um... sorry uffjohn... bad choice of words), the funniest thing I've read in my time on this forum. __________________ "If you're walking on thin ice, you may as well go ahead and dance."

10-13-2003, 02:06 PM	#5 (permalink)
Orodinn Crazy	animals masturbate???

10-13-2003, 07:57 PM	#7 (permalink)
soccerchamp76 Go Cardinals Location: St. Louis/Cincinnati	HAHA Funny story, evne funnier that is is true. __________________ Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

10-14-2003, 08:26 AM	#8 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	That was the funniest thing that I've read in a very long time. __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

10-14-2003, 08:39 AM	#9 (permalink)
Silvy paranoid Location: The Netherlands	Very, very good! Too bad I can imagine my GF behaving EXACTLY the same way __________________ "Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. " - Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints)

10-14-2003, 10:04 AM	#10 (permalink)
TIO Addict Location: The Land Down Under	Classic! I can sympathise with your wife...I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue either! __________________ Strewth

10-14-2003, 10:42 AM	#11 (permalink)
Midlandmadman Redwing fan extraordinaire Location: Michigan	Ok, now that the tears are outta my eyes..... damn !!! that was funny! __________________ Its good to be back.

10-14-2003, 12:02 PM	#12 (permalink)
Root_Beer_Man Crazy	3 cheers That was the awesomest joke ever. Keep 'em coming __________________ >3 Cheers for boobies!!<

10-14-2003, 06:27 PM	#13 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	That was THE best joke I have ever read here in the forums! __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it

10-14-2003, 06:43 PM	#14 (permalink)
Akira Crazy	This is the funniest thing I had ever read. The person thought it was a foot and pulled it. I actually laughed in real life when I read that part. __________________ -signature

10-14-2003, 07:05 PM	#15 (permalink)
TheClarkster Very Proud of Ya Location: Simi Valley, CA	What a great joke. What a poor confused little kid. First it's dying, then it's having babies, then it's masturbating. __________________ Do not speak Latin in front of the books.

10-17-2003, 09:16 AM	#19 (permalink)
GSRIDER spurt king Location: Out of my mind	Fantastic!!!!! __________________ No signature at this time.

10-18-2003, 12:53 AM	#22 (permalink)
monty121052 Insane Location: Newcastle-Australia	O just so funny,thanks.

10-21-2003, 07:07 PM	#26 (permalink)
gabshu Psycho Location: The capital of the free world??	That was awesome. Im in tears its so funny __________________ Go Kool Aid. OH YEAAHH http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/koolaid/

10-22-2003, 02:23 PM	#30 (permalink)
mml Adrift Location: Wandering in the Desert of Life	Made my day, thanks. __________________ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -Douglas Adams

10-15-2003, 03:57 PM	#16 (permalink)
fallen_angel Psycho Location: Somewhere between the Havens and the Earth	lol wow that was nothing what i expected it to be, but thanx for the great laugh, although now i have this horrible mental image in my head __________________ from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

10-15-2003, 04:33 PM	#17 (permalink)
Tiger69z Banned Location: Sunny S.FLA	haha this got a chuckle out of me Nice n' cute

10-16-2003, 07:23 AM	#18 (permalink)
Dragon_Imp Tilted	Yep that has got to be the funniest thing i have read here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10-17-2003, 11:07 AM	#20 (permalink)
petergriffin24 Insane	simply put that is a classic LOL great

10-17-2003, 04:50 PM	#21 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog Insane Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.	you cant blame her for laughing, but she was a meanie __________________ I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

10-20-2003, 04:47 PM	#24 (permalink)
HamiC Insane Location: USA	Absolutely perfect......particularly if you have a wife and kids. Thanks for posting.

10-21-2003, 05:28 PM	#25 (permalink)
H12 I'm not about getting creamed, I'm about winning! Location: K-Town, TN	He he he, very nice. I would buy Ernie a female hamster, just to ensure I never made that same mistake again. __________________ "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." --Aristotle

10-21-2003, 08:30 PM	#27 (permalink)
TrogDor Tilted	Can't...stop...laughing...hahahahahahah. Great story man.

10-22-2003, 06:33 AM	#28 (permalink)
matt_mll Crazy Location: some volcano in the middle of the pacific	that was great - i will never look at a hamster the same way again.

10-22-2003, 07:09 AM	#29 (permalink)
Gortexfogg I and I Location: Stillwater, OK	Oh man....that was hilarious!

10-22-2003, 03:07 PM	#31 (permalink)
The_Dude The GrandDaddy of them all! Location: Austin, TX	LOL! that's so awesome! lol lol __________________ "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrel K Royal

10-23-2003, 06:28 PM	#32 (permalink)
skaterpunk The Ultimate Badass Location: Tampa	"NOT MINE THO" bwahahaahahaha ... that was a great post.... __________________ "The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. This is all the stuff the Mommy used to tell him. She used to say, "The only frontier you have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight." Caged inside too many laws. By intangibles, she meant the Internet, movies, music, stories, art, rumors, computer programs, anything that isn't real. Virtual realities. Make-believe stuff. The culture. The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die."

10-23-2003, 10:27 PM	#33 (permalink)
NatureBoy Crazy	Something similar happened to me. I thought one of my pet rats was sick and he was just ... uh ... how do you say ... self-engrossed? I didn't 'assist' him, though.

10-24-2003, 02:39 AM	#34 (permalink)
iktoweya These pretzels are making me thirsty!! Location: 105B	oh that was good __________________ i miss K-Wise

10-29-2003, 12:50 PM	#35 (permalink)
weasel519 Upright	Oh man thats funny!

11-25-2003, 02:39 AM	#36 (permalink)
sexy_bastard Crazy Location: Norway	outragous!!! __________________ "Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve. "

11-25-2003, 06:39 AM	#37 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	I had hampsters named Bert and Ernie! Too weird...Bert used to chew Ernie's ears, but I don't remember seeing them whack off. __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

11-25-2003, 12:08 PM	#38 (permalink)
Slacks_01 Tilted	that was sweet, laughed through most of it

11-25-2003, 12:09 PM	#39 (permalink)
Silverbrain Addict Location: Nor Cal	oh, that was hilarious, dad pulling on the member thinking it was a foot. classis __________________ Over Thinking, Over Analyzing Seperates the Body from the Mind - MJK

11-25-2003, 12:22 PM	#40 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	Now a poll: how many people had hamsters named Bert and Ernie? OR Most popular hamster names: 1 - Bert and Ernie 2 - Romeo and Juliet __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.