Bryant Announces First-Ever Conjugal Press Conference; Wife to Attend - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

shaq=ignorance · 10-09-2003, 06:13 PM

Bryant Announces First-Ever Conjugal Press Conference; Wife to Attend
10/9/2003 - Dirk McQuickly

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HONALULU – Embattled Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant today announced that a press conference scheduled for Friday, October 10th will feature romantic poetry, draft renderings of Taj Mahal II, and “conjugal activity” designed to finally put to rest the “ridiculous” notion that he sexually assaulted a hotel employee in Colorado. The event, to be held in the Honeymoon Suite of the Waikiki Sheraton, will be attended by nearly one hundred and fifty journalists and the entire editorial board of the New England Journal of Medicine.

“Once and for all,” stated a confident Bryant, “the world will see that I am dedicated to my marriage, and hotter than ever for my beautiful bride. The press will no longer be able to speculate that I am capable of the crimes I am accused of.”

Bryant, who most recently showed off an elaborate tattoo of Psalm 27, along with angel wings signifying wife Vanessa, has commissioned world-famous architect Helmut Jahn to design and build a soaring tribute to Mrs. Bryant “during these difficult times.” Taj Mahal II, as it is temporarily known, will be unveiled during a press gathering which will also highlight Bryant’s newest literary achievement – “Leaves of Grass II – No One But the Wife”.

“This is very unusual, to say the least,” remarked Washington Post media maven Howard Kurtz. “Not only has Kobe Bryant promised a national monument to his marriage, he fully intends to [expletive] his wife on national television to prove his point.”

“I love my wife,” reiterated the interminably contrite Bryant. “This has absolutely nothing to do with any alleged sexual misconduct with a complete stranger. This is about shouting it from the rooftops – I’m the luckiest man on the face of the earth because of my inspiring, angelic Vanessa.”

Meanwhile, in Washington, FCC regulators expressed deep reservations following the announcement, but did not indicate a course of action in response to the ground-breaking event.

“Our concern is for the children,” said FCC spokeswoman Marianne Plummer. “Is it fair for only a portion of our youth to witness this conjugal event? What positions will he employ? This could be potentially sloppy and harmful to his worshiping fans. Is it really necessary to include poetry?”

“The benefits will outweigh the drawbacks,” added legal expert Peter Sean Burroughs. “In spite of all the diamonds, the body art, and re-naming of the solar system, there are still a plethora of doubters out there – people who think the All-Star guard doth protest too much when it comes to the issue of marital bliss. I don’t think anyone will be able to deny his love for Vanessa now.”

In related news, a study released by the University of North Carolina shows that a vast majority of men do not hold press conferences to validate their marriages.

MichaelFarker · 10-09-2003, 09:56 PM

That was darn funny. I bet it will happen someday, too.

10-09-2003, 06:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
shaq=ignorance Psycho Location: Tenacious D, the other white meat	Bryant Announces First-Ever Conjugal Press Conference; Wife to Attend Bryant Announces First-Ever Conjugal Press Conference; Wife to Attend 10/9/2003 - Dirk McQuickly -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HONALULU – Embattled Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant today announced that a press conference scheduled for Friday, October 10th will feature romantic poetry, draft renderings of Taj Mahal II, and “conjugal activity” designed to finally put to rest the “ridiculous” notion that he sexually assaulted a hotel employee in Colorado. The event, to be held in the Honeymoon Suite of the Waikiki Sheraton, will be attended by nearly one hundred and fifty journalists and the entire editorial board of the New England Journal of Medicine. “Once and for all,” stated a confident Bryant, “the world will see that I am dedicated to my marriage, and hotter than ever for my beautiful bride. The press will no longer be able to speculate that I am capable of the crimes I am accused of.” Bryant, who most recently showed off an elaborate tattoo of Psalm 27, along with angel wings signifying wife Vanessa, has commissioned world-famous architect Helmut Jahn to design and build a soaring tribute to Mrs. Bryant “during these difficult times.” Taj Mahal II, as it is temporarily known, will be unveiled during a press gathering which will also highlight Bryant’s newest literary achievement – “Leaves of Grass II – No One But the Wife”. “This is very unusual, to say the least,” remarked Washington Post media maven Howard Kurtz. “Not only has Kobe Bryant promised a national monument to his marriage, he fully intends to [expletive] his wife on national television to prove his point.” “I love my wife,” reiterated the interminably contrite Bryant. “This has absolutely nothing to do with any alleged sexual misconduct with a complete stranger. This is about shouting it from the rooftops – I’m the luckiest man on the face of the earth because of my inspiring, angelic Vanessa.” Meanwhile, in Washington, FCC regulators expressed deep reservations following the announcement, but did not indicate a course of action in response to the ground-breaking event. “Our concern is for the children,” said FCC spokeswoman Marianne Plummer. “Is it fair for only a portion of our youth to witness this conjugal event? What positions will he employ? This could be potentially sloppy and harmful to his worshiping fans. Is it really necessary to include poetry?” “The benefits will outweigh the drawbacks,” added legal expert Peter Sean Burroughs. “In spite of all the diamonds, the body art, and re-naming of the solar system, there are still a plethora of doubters out there – people who think the All-Star guard doth protest too much when it comes to the issue of marital bliss. I don’t think anyone will be able to deny his love for Vanessa now.” In related news, a study released by the University of North Carolina shows that a vast majority of men do not hold press conferences to validate their marriages.

10-09-2003, 09:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
MichaelFarker 2+2=5? Not again! Location: Dallas, Texas	That was darn funny. I bet it will happen someday, too.