Guinness Book of Records - Female Edition - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

marcopolo · 09-09-2003, 01:27 PM

Amazingly, due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to publish a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a few excerpts:

CAR PARKING
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 63ft 2ins, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Maguire,driving an unmodified Ford Fiesta on 12th October 1998. She started the maneuverer at 11.15am in Blackrock, Alabama and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumper of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

FILM CONFUSION
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th of October 2002, when Mrs. Bernadette Walsh sat down with her husband to watch 'The boys in the hood'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2mins 40secs before asking "Is he in the hood?". This broke her own record set in 1988 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of 'Where Eagle's Dare' before asking "This is a war film, is it?".

INCORRECT DRIVING
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313 miles by Dr. Julie O'Dwyer at the wheel of a Toyota Corrolla on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. O'Dwyer smelled burning two miles into her journey but pressed on to Letter with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the right indicator flashing.

GARAGE SALE MASSACRE
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a garage sale is 98, at a Church Hall in Temple, Indiana on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 1 dollar which escalated into a full scale mêlée resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The garage sale raised $ 5.28 for the local GAA club.

GOSSIPING
On February 18th 1992, Elaine Stanley, a close friend of Mary Power popped round for a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Power, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the postman. After Mrs. Stanley left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Power immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local IGA, several knitting circles, a coach-load of Japanese tourists which she flagged down and the postman's wife. When a tired Mrs. Power went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Stanley's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 79,338 people, enough to fill a large stadium.

GROUP TOILET VISIT
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Sales and Marketing Department of Melon Bank. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Julie Dowling got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Silvy · 09-09-2003, 01:31 PM

nice!

Tiger69z · 09-09-2003, 01:50 PM

hehe are these true?

scoobydugan · 09-09-2003, 05:05 PM

omg lol i hope you're joking

AlCap0wn · 09-09-2003, 07:33 PM

ROFLS

Stare At The Sun · 09-09-2003, 08:36 PM

ebrake one is the best, i know a girl that got on the highway w/ her ebrake on,(strip mall to the high way) twas a new car too...Man she was a fucking 'tard

Happyland · 09-10-2003, 08:07 AM

i a devout sayer of things and that was great

baaa · 09-10-2003, 09:19 AM

HA! THAT IS TOOOOO FUNNY
and also too true

archer2371 · 09-10-2003, 12:10 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Shpoop · 09-10-2003, 04:36 PM

hilarious! first and second were the best! Lol are they in the hood..

JStrider · 09-10-2003, 05:28 PM

my grandma drove around with her Ebrake on for several DAYS of around town driving...

GrayWolf · 09-10-2003, 07:03 PM

Beautiful.

kinsaj · 09-10-2003, 10:31 PM

MikeyChalupa · 09-11-2003, 08:07 AM

My favorite is:

"80 times a minute. That's how fast the female hummingbird flaps her wings during flight. It's also how fast the female human flaps her lips during the last two minutes of a playoff game."

-Mikey

Slims · 09-11-2003, 11:46 AM

That's hilarious, but my girlfriend is going to kill me when she finds out I said so.

bluearmy · 09-11-2003, 04:46 PM

I am going to send this to a few of my female friends, because iam feeling brave, or is that drunk!

shannon · 09-14-2003, 09:31 AM

here's a girl thinking that was really funny. but the ebrake thing...i have a guy friend and he is the only driver i know who drives around with it on. several hours and he'll only notice if he actually physically sees that the handle is on.

09-09-2003, 01:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
marcopolo I am the anomaly. Location: Motown	Guinness Book of Records - Female Edition Amazingly, due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to publish a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a few excerpts: CAR PARKING The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 63ft 2ins, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Maguire,driving an unmodified Ford Fiesta on 12th October 1998. She started the maneuverer at 11.15am in Blackrock, Alabama and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumper of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts. FILM CONFUSION The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th of October 2002, when Mrs. Bernadette Walsh sat down with her husband to watch 'The boys in the hood'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2mins 40secs before asking "Is he in the hood?". This broke her own record set in 1988 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of 'Where Eagle's Dare' before asking "This is a war film, is it?". INCORRECT DRIVING The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313 miles by Dr. Julie O'Dwyer at the wheel of a Toyota Corrolla on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. O'Dwyer smelled burning two miles into her journey but pressed on to Letter with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the right indicator flashing. GARAGE SALE MASSACRE The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a garage sale is 98, at a Church Hall in Temple, Indiana on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 1 dollar which escalated into a full scale mêlée resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The garage sale raised $ 5.28 for the local GAA club. GOSSIPING On February 18th 1992, Elaine Stanley, a close friend of Mary Power popped round for a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Power, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the postman. After Mrs. Stanley left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Power immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local IGA, several knitting circles, a coach-load of Japanese tourists which she flagged down and the postman's wife. When a tired Mrs. Power went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Stanley's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 79,338 people, enough to fill a large stadium. GROUP TOILET VISIT The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Sales and Marketing Department of Melon Bank. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Julie Dowling got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later. __________________ Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

09-09-2003, 01:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Silvy paranoid Location: The Netherlands	nice! __________________ "Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. " - Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints)

09-10-2003, 08:07 AM	#7 (permalink)
Happyland Insane Location: where happiness lives	i a devout sayer of things and that was great __________________ someone else here must like Walton & Johnson too

09-10-2003, 12:10 PM	#9 (permalink)
archer2371 Sarge of Blood Gulch Red Outpost Number One Location: On the front lines against our very enemy	ROTFLMAO!!!!! __________________ "This ain't no Ice Cream Social!" "Hey Grif, Chupathingy...how bout that? I like it...got a ring to it." "I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif."

09-10-2003, 05:28 PM	#11 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	my grandma drove around with her Ebrake on for several DAYS of around town driving... __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

09-09-2003, 01:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
Tiger69z Banned Location: Sunny S.FLA	hehe are these true?

09-09-2003, 05:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
scoobydugan Crazy	omg lol i hope you're joking

09-09-2003, 08:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
Stare At The Sun Eh? Location: Somewhere over the rainbow	ebrake one is the best, i know a girl that got on the highway w/ her ebrake on,(strip mall to the high way) twas a new car too...Man she was a fucking 'tard

09-10-2003, 09:19 AM	#8 (permalink)
baaa Banned Location: ville	HA! THAT IS TOOOOO FUNNY and also too true

09-10-2003, 04:36 PM	#10 (permalink)
Shpoop Curious Location: NJ (but just for college)	hilarious! first and second were the best! Lol are they in the hood..

09-10-2003, 07:03 PM	#12 (permalink)
GrayWolf Tilted	Beautiful. __________________ They are too young when you start worrying that they might be too young. 18 is my lowest limit. I'm going to be 25 next month.. No piece of ass is worth getting pounded in my own. - Johnny Rotten (I laughed for so long when I read this...)

09-10-2003, 10:31 PM	#13 (permalink)
kinsaj Psycho Location: somewhere out there	HAHA __________________ boom

09-11-2003, 08:07 AM	#14 (permalink)
MikeyChalupa Squid Location: USS George Washington	My favorite is: "80 times a minute. That's how fast the female hummingbird flaps her wings during flight. It's also how fast the female human flaps her lips during the last two minutes of a playoff game." -Mikey

09-11-2003, 11:46 AM	#15 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	That's hilarious, but my girlfriend is going to kill me when she finds out I said so. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

09-11-2003, 04:46 PM	#16 (permalink)
bluearmy Insane Location: uk	I am going to send this to a few of my female friends, because iam feeling brave, or is that drunk!

09-14-2003, 09:31 AM	#17 (permalink)
shannon Psycho Location: Canada	here's a girl thinking that was really funny. but the ebrake thing...i have a guy friend and he is the only driver i know who drives around with it on. several hours and he'll only notice if he actually physically sees that the handle is on. __________________ "When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"