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09-01-2003, 08:03 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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I am the anomaly.
Location: Motown
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BLOW JOBS - WHAT A WOMEN/MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning." BLOW JOBS - WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep." 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? 
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Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Last edited by marcopolo; 09-01-2003 at 08:07 AM.. |
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09-01-2003, 06:11 PM
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#7 (permalink) |
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WARNING: FLAMMABLE
Location: Ask Acetylene
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Corrollary: Kissing the bearded clam is as optional as a blowjob... more so because the clam tastes worse
Corrollary #2: Trimming the bearded clam is a pre-requisite of getting it kissed... (unless your penis has hair on it which the man is also obligated to trim/shave)
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"It better be funny" 
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09-01-2003, 06:43 PM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Tired
Location: Florida
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ROFL that is hilarious!
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From a head full of pressure rests the senses that I clutch Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins |
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09-02-2003, 11:50 PM
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#14 (permalink) |
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Omnipotent Ruler Of The Tiny Universe In My Mind
Location: Oreegawn
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hehe, good stuff
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Words of Wisdom: If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane. |
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09-07-2003, 09:29 AM
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#20 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Damn those are hilarious. I got those lists in my email a few weeks ago and just cracked up reading them. I think the girl's list is funnier than the guy's, but maybe that's just me. "3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. " That line just kills me everytime, its great!
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"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" -- Albert Einstein "A clear indication of women's superiority over man is their refusal to play air guitar." --Frank Zappa |
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09-08-2003, 03:21 PM
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#24 (permalink) |
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Lust Puppy
Location: in your closet and in your head...
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I know someone who needs to read this......last fucking night!
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. |
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