Just Who Can...And Can Not Sing The Blues - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

QuasiMojo · 08-24-2003, 02:43 PM

I pulled this little gem from a site called
www.dailydirt.com

TOPIC: THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF THE BLUES

Care of: Craig W.

If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes -- sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out."

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed, d. bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt, b. you're blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis, d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401 K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast.

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Jennie.

18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.), c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

- Craig W.

[Man, that Soapbox brought yer old pal Jerky back to his youth, wasting time in dirty-glass blues dives, listening while not-quite-legends held court in the kingdom of guitar. Remember Tone-deaf Carter Cantaloupe? Handicapable Rutabega Reagan? Man, you never questioned whether those guys had the blues. - Jerky]

CSflim · 08-24-2003, 03:17 PM

"12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it."

nice one!

ssander9 · 08-24-2003, 03:24 PM

My favorite type of music to play, sing and listen to.

QuasiMojo · 06-10-2005, 05:08 PM

this is catdamn hilarious!!

you know it is!

cellophanedeity · 06-10-2005, 06:16 PM

Blind Lemon Jefferson!

This one is awesome. I should go to the blues festival and give people report cards based upon this!

Acetylene · 06-27-2005, 05:23 PM

No blues in a suit? Explain the Blues Brothers!

God of Thunder · 06-28-2005, 07:27 AM

They slept in theirs

sapiens · 06-28-2005, 07:45 AM

That made me chuckle, thanks.
-sapiens

SirLance · 06-28-2005, 02:28 PM

Talk about hitting the nail on the head! In Memphis, even! Good one.

08-24-2003, 02:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
QuasiMojo King Knave Location: Lancaster	Just Who Can...And Can Not Sing The Blues I pulled this little gem from a site called www.dailydirt.com TOPIC: THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF THE BLUES Care of: Craig W. If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules: 1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes -- sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out." 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed, d. bottom of a whiskey glass. 11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses. 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt, b. you're blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis, d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401 K or trust fund. 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues. 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast. 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Jennie. 18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie. 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.), c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc. - Craig W. [Man, that Soapbox brought yer old pal Jerky back to his youth, wasting time in dirty-glass blues dives, listening while not-quite-legends held court in the kingdom of guitar. Remember Tone-deaf Carter Cantaloupe? Handicapable Rutabega Reagan? Man, you never questioned whether those guys had the blues. - Jerky] __________________ AzAbOv ZoBeLoE Last edited by QuasiMojo; 08-24-2003 at 02:47 PM..

08-24-2003, 03:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	"12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it." nice one! __________________

08-24-2003, 03:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
ssander9 Amplitude Modulator Location: US	My favorite type of music to play, sing and listen to. __________________ I never said you had to.

06-10-2005, 05:08 PM	#4 (permalink)
QuasiMojo King Knave Location: Lancaster	this is catdamn hilarious!! you know it is! __________________ AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

06-27-2005, 05:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	No blues in a suit? Explain the Blues Brothers! __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

06-10-2005, 06:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	Blind Lemon Jefferson! This one is awesome. I should go to the blues festival and give people report cards based upon this!

06-28-2005, 07:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
God of Thunder Talk nerdy to me Location: Flint, MI	They slept in theirs __________________ I reject your reality, and substitute my own -- Adam Savage

06-28-2005, 07:45 AM	#8 (permalink)
sapiens Junkie Location: Some place windy	That made me chuckle, thanks. -sapiens

06-28-2005, 02:28 PM	#9 (permalink)
SirLance Junkie Location: In the middle of the desert.	Talk about hitting the nail on the head! In Memphis, even! Good one. __________________ DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.