ssander9

A pirate strolls into his favorite bar and the bartender says, "Whoa, dude, what happened to you?" The pirate says, "What do you mean?"
The bartender says, "Well, for starters, you never used to have a peg leg." "Oh, that," replies the pirate. "Well, you see, we had a sea battle and a cannon ball blew off my leg. But the ship's surgeon fixed me up with this peg leg and I'm as good as new."

"Well, what about the hook?" asks the barkeep. "We had another sea battle and some guy lopped off my hand," the pirate explains, "but the ship's surgeon fixed me up with this hook and now I'm as good as new!"

"What about the eye patch?" asks the bartender. "One day I was on the top mast keeping watch," says the pirate, "when an albatross flew over and pooped in my eye." The bartender is incredulous. "You mean to tell me that bird poop will put out your eye?" "Well," the pirate explained, "this happened shortly after I got the hook."

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I never said you had to.

Tickford

hahaha......... nice one....

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Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn

Midlandmadman

hope he didnt forget before he beat-off..................... good joke!!

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Its good to be back.

iktoweya

lol

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i miss K-Wise

Stare At The Sun

Hah, that was rather amusing.

DisFunctional

Well there goes one job I wanna do.

2wolves

RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

"Twas on the good ship Venus,
*By gad! You should have seen us,
*The figure-head was a whore in bed,
*And the mast a rampant penis.

They called the Captain Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
On any bugger's lugger.

His given name was Cooper,
By god he was a trooper,
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor.

The Captain's daughter Mabel,
Whenever she was able,
She gave the crew their daily screw
Upon the mess-room table.

His daughter wasn't fussy,
She was a brazen hussy,
She'd spread her legs on the brandy kegs,
And show the men her pussy.

His wife was baptized Charlotte,
Who was born and bred a harlot
Her legs at night were lily-white,
But in the morning they were scarlet.

While crossing the equator,
The crew did elevate her,
She bared her ass on the topmost mast,
And dared the crew to mate her.

The first mate's name was Paul
He only had one ball,
But with that cracker he rolled tobacco,
Around the cabin wall.

The second mate's name was Lester,
A virgin hymen tester.
Through hymens thick he shoved his prick
And left it there to fester.

That third mate known as Morgan,
The homosexual Gorgon.
A dozen crows, sat in a row,
Could pose upon his organ.

The lookout's name was Andy,
His legs were long and bandy,
They filled his arse with molten brass,
For pissing in the brandy.

The Captain's randy daughter,
Was swimming in the water,
Delighted squeals came as the eels,
Entered her sexual quarter.

The engineer, McTavish,
The women he did ravish,
His missing tool's at Istambul
He was a trifle lavish.

The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
A dirty little nipper,
He filled his bum with bubble gum,
And vulcanized the skipper.

One sailor's name was Higgins,
And Higgins had a big 'un,
Once round the deck, twice up the mast,
And the rest was used for rigging.

The helmsman's name was Sam,
He liked to roger rams,
It trapped his bollocks during his frolics,
And turned his yard-arm into spam.

The cook whose name was Freeman,
A dirty bloody demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
*And foreskins fried in semen.

Another cook was O Malley,
He didn't dilly-dally.
He shot his bolt with a hell of a jolt,
And whitewashed half the galley.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over.
They ground and ground that faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.

The Fifth Mate's name was Slater,
He was a masturbator.
He'd pump and pump his massive stump,
And clean the mess up later.

There was Able Seaman Jenkin,
By buggering demented,
He stuffed cement up his fundament,
And relationships cemented.

They saw a Spanish Galleon,
Its figurehead a stallion,
And when they saw it was full of whores,
There wasn't any dallyin'.

On every foot of rigging,
There were sailors frigging,
In the lookout's nest, they'd take a rest,
From their poking and their digging.

'Twas in the Adriatic,
Where the water's almost static,
The rise and fall of cock and ball,
Was almost automatic.

We sailed to the Canaries,
To screw the local fairies;
We got the syph in Tenerife
And the clap in Buenos Aires.

We sailed to the Bahamas,
Where the girls all wear pyjamas;
They wouldn't screw our motley crew -
They much preferred bananas.

While sailing on the ocean,
We'd often get a notion,
In cold and heat to beat our meat,
With a peculiar motion.

Each sailor lad's a brother,
To each and one another,
We'd take great pains at our daisy chains,
Whilst writing home to mother.

Then in search of new sensation,
In the forms of recreation,
The ship was sunk in a wave of gunk
From mutual masturbation.

So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material,
I wish you luck and freedom from,

Diseases venereal."

Available at all your better pirate chanty outlets.....

2Wolves

Happyland

doh

my sails are low and limp but my mast is tall and strong

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someone else here must like Walton & Johnson too

RemyLebeau97

Great one !!

hawkeye

nice joke, but that song was just something else. i don't know exactly What else, but something else just the same

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You're not fat,
You're just a giant ball
of love, covered in anger.

Keg-o-Grog

hahaha that one was great

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I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

Slims

heehe, thanks for the joke.

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence