How to give a pill to a cat
 

Apologies if it's been here before...

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog
CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

OMG I'm crying from laughing so hard.

I've got a couple cats and a dog and this couldn't be more true! ;)

Very good post!

Had to pick myself up from the floor after that one...

hehe that is an awesome joke :) I love cat/dog jokes.

My god! This is so hideously true that its not funny" :lol:

couldn't of said any better

hehe good one

god i love cats!

Couldn't even read the last part of that through the tears.

BTW, I own two cats and wouldn't even try that with either of them.

LOL it is so true. We dont even have to disguise pills to give them to our dog, she just thinks they are all treats.

wow. that's dead on. thanks

My cat has always been pretty agreeable about taking pills, but I've had some before that put me through almost that exact scenario.

Never seen that posted here before, so thanks for the joke.

lmao that is true

hahaha....this is too true

Still a good one after hearing it three times

Thats a hell of a coincidence

great one. thanks

Dead on. Funny as hell.

Some interesting techniques thats for sure!

Solid!

God I hate cats.

LOL i think i shat my pants laughing

heh, when i read the subject line, i thought "pill" referred to something a bit more sinister.... can't imagine what a cat would be like hopped up on E :-P

still pretty funny though

heheheheh

It's funny because it's true.

</homer simpson>

good one

pussie's... :D

Halarious. And SO true.

ok you are scaring me. 2 cats and 1 dog; same scenerio; you have been looking in my window

Truer words have never been typed. Hilarious stuff, feetfirst.

LOL!

that was sooo funny

This is such a classic. I love this one, its funny every time.

lol...good one :lol:

its so true

Reminds me of a Mark Twain story: Guy in a bar bets two others that only he can get a cat to eat mustard. The bet is accepted. First guy mixes mustard with milk. Cat sniffs the milk and turns up his nose. Second guy mixes mustard with sardines. Again the cat turns up his nose and refuses the offering. The guy who made the challenge says " It's really quite easy" and slaps a dab of mustard on the cat's asshole. The cat can't lick it off fast enough.

Funny, never heard that one

nice.. never could dig on a cat... but funny as shit

Think I've been down that whole damn list with my wife's cat. wasn't quite as funny then.

heard it before but still had tears runing down my face from laughing so hard. By the way 2 cats 1 dog and I would not even atempt to give the one cat a pill. Mutant from hell is a close discription.

true true. . . dogs are so much easier to decieve.

cats smell much better than dogs, and dont need walking :)