Lindy

My Dad sent me this news parody and I thought it was worth sharing. Mods -move it elsewhere if you think that appropriate.


The Manitoba Herald
as Reported by Clive Runnels
August 1, 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent
actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning
citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to
agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
tenured sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even
got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The
liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left
to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a
single bottle of imported drinking water.

They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus
trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-
dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-
citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they
were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on
The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an
official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the
Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals,
but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa
resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A
source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul
McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to
reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can
actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!

Lindy

Xerxys

I have a friend from Michigan. We were talking about mexicans crossing over the border illegally and I was like, "do you get a lot of Canadians crossing over?" And she goes like "What? Oh no! Canadians are just fine where they are".

Charlatan

It's funny but Canada has a long tradition of accepting Americans on the run... Empire Loyalists, Blacks on the underground railway and Vietnam draft dodgers.

Bring 'em on!

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Lindy

I first posted this thread in General Discussion because I thought that it might be discussion worthy by provoking (or inciting...whatever) some tongue-in-cheek discussion.
For example...

Great! How many million would you like?

or

Yes, they can do those jobs that no Canadian wants to do. Like playing Texas Ranger to the world.

Lindy

Redlemon

Reminds me of this...

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Leto

In Canada, the political parties are identified by colours as well, to illustrate where they are on the spectrum.

The Liberals are Red

The Conservatives are Blue.


The Big Blue Machine was often used to describe how entrenched the conservatives got once they were elected (especially in Ontario).

---------- Post added at 02:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:33 PM ----------

I don't have the linky for this (my mother emailed it to me) but I thought it would be appropriate for this thread:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man and posted on the internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.


Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)

__________________
You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey
And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
You were loosening my grip on Bobby Orr

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Leto_Atreides_I

Charlatan

Actually, *not* wanting to be Texas Rangers to the world is part of the oath we swear as Canadians.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

flat5

Thank you, Leto for Leviticus Laws.

Willravel

I'd be glad to cut your grass, raise your kids, and chill outside your Home Depots.

genuinegirly

This is a golden thread, it has made me laugh and smile. I haven't ever been (pronounced bean) to the land of our maple-loving neighbors. Perhaps i'll have an excuse one day soon About that slave thing - I have to ask - if I move to Alaska can I have Russian slaves?

Will : What Canadians would want you raising their kids? You'd make a terrible nanny. You may have to stick to teaching ESL in Quebec.

ASU2003

I have crossed into Canada 4 times. If it weren't for the winters and lack of beaches, I might of wanted to stay.

An oldie, but a goodie

Willravel

Welp, I'm crying now.

Lindy

In Canada you would "chill" to the point of freezing outside of anyplace. Except during summer, which was July 27th this year.

Lindy

Leto

Huh? !!

I thought it was the 28th.


Damn. missed it again.

__________________
You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey
And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
You were loosening my grip on Bobby Orr

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Leto_Atreides_I

Charlatan

Lack of beaches? What country were you visiting?

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

amonkie

i second Charlatan.. I have spent more time on Canadian beaches than I have on American ones.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Leto

You want beaches??? I've got beaches...

From Ontario:


Toronto







Lake Huron:



Lake ontario




From BC:

Vancouver:









Interior BC:





PEI:







and from way up north (Inuvik):

__________________
You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey
And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
You were loosening my grip on Bobby Orr

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Leto_Atreides_I

Redlemon

^ Wreck Beach, hell yeah!

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

ASU2003

One time, I just drove through Ontario to get to NY from Michigan. The other time I went to Toronto in the Springtime. The other times were in the plains of Alberta during the Summer.

I guess from June 1st through October 1st would be great.

I'll have to head on down to Australia for the other half of the year.

streak_56

I don't know about the rest of Canada but Calgary got their summer (one day) in August, the only day to go above 30.

I will say though, the beach in Inuvik is awfully inviting!