uncle phil

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than
ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well... You pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex...You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
And don't trust your judgment
When alcohol is involved!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Tully Mars

Poor dog.

__________________
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club