Willravel

Let this thread be a warning. The following things are generally used or referenced with the intent of humor, but end with disastrous results.

- Pretending that a simple dish—toast, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches—is either very difficult to make or is very fancy.
- Pointing out that you are wearing the same shirt as someone else.
- The mere mention of marijuana.
- White people pretending to be black (ex: "me and my posse...")
- Friends (at least in 2009).


Alright, let's see more....

telekinetic

-"WAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAP"
-"I'm Rick James, Bitch!"
-"Can you hear me now?"
-"It didn't ring up? IT MUST BE FREE!"
-ANYTHING to do with someone's name...they've heard it their whole life, you're not clever.

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twisted no more

Willravel

Jesus Christ, how did I forget about this gem? People in retail be warned, this will ruin your fucking day.

ratbastid

"Workin' hard or hardly workin?"

JumpinJesus

The incessant regurgitation of any internet meme.
-all your dumbass cliches are belong to us
-in Soviet Russia, meme spams you!
-!!1!!

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

vanblah

To be fair, the phrase "In Soviet Russia, _____ _____ you!" was a meme long before what we call the internet today. It was made popular by Yakov Smirnoff in the 80's.

It's still tired and played out.

SabrinaFair

-Waitress: "Here's your check." Idiot Customer: "Oh, I don't need that, hehehe." My first job was in a Big Boy restaurant in high school. (couldn't serve booze + lived in a small town) The joke got old.

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"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
-Desiderata

fresnelly

"Stop hitting yourself!"

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Baraka_Guru

"_______ is the new _______"

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

vanblah

I heard you like _____ so I put _____ in your _____, Dawg! or any variation.

Poppinjay

Puns. All of them.

World's Wackiest _________

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

fresnelly

What did the priest say at the Annual Priests' Association Spaghetti Dinner?

"Pass the pasta past the Pastor, Pastor!"

/wrote that one entirely myself. Never got a laugh out of it.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

ring

Baraka_Guru

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

ring

hey, my dog climbed up on my lap when he heard that, and is having fun watching it.
cool.

span2

"I just printed it," when checking a large bill for authenticity as a cashier.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Charlie Brown

SSJTWIZTA

running towards something screaming "Leeeroy Jenkins!"

lol cats. i get it, yer kit-tay lvs shItz!!!1!!

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

filtherton

"That's what she said"

Holy fuck. I don't know if M.E. students are special in this regard, but I have heard that phrase more in my three years in M.E. school then I did in high school and junior high school combined.

phathom

leeeeeeeeeeeeerooooooy jeeeeeeeeenkiiiins

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-snooch to the nooch

noodle

When ______ Attack.
Nachoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo libre.
Whoa whoa, wee wah.

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new man

Muslims.

example: to a christian, "Why does Jesus hate M&M's? Because they fall through the holes in hands."

But you tell a joke like that to a muslim and it is liable to blow up in your face.

Willravel

I'm a stone-cold atheist and I even find this mildly offensive. This thread is meant for jokes and thoughts and behaviors, not belief-systems.

Punk.of.Ages

Any junk in the trunk reference...

I hate that shit.

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

CinnamonGirl

I'm a server, and my last question to all my tables is "can I get you anything else?" or something to that effect. The number of times I've heard "a million dollars," is ridiculous. Even better is how EVERY single person thinks they're the first to say it, and it's hilarious.

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Punk.of.Ages

Dead hookers....

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

noodle

I just watched the leeroy jenkins crap last night for the first time. you're right, it isn't funny.

__________________

Baraka_Guru

Amateur parodies

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Jove

"Get er Done!"

I hear the above statement by people at work and it is the most annoying saying ever.

ratbastid

YES! Also "Here's yer sign."

SSJTWIZTA

not at all.

i believe its spelled "Git-R-Done."
...why the hell do i know that?


...rape. rape jokes just arent funny, and ive been hearing alot of comments like "id hold take a knife to that and hold that down" lately.

asshole bastard shitsucking cumstains. look at that, cant even properly insult im so disappointed.

it sucks that you cant punch someone in the face through a chatscreen.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Crack

Why are you hitting yourself?

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

spectre

FAIL! and WIN! Especially when used with EPIC in front of it. It was semi-amusing the first time it was used. The subsequent 30 million have not been.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

ItWasMe

Yes, yes, and yes. I hear those often, and the speaker always seems to think they are so funny.

Any dead baby joke, or dead puppy joke. Especially:
What's the best gift for a dead baby? A dead puppy.
I hate those.

OH! And ... "you can't touch this."

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

SSJTWIZTA

can't touch this?!

things from 1990 count!?

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

sadistikdreams

Alliteration.

__________________
"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials."
-Lin Yutang

hearts, by d.a.

thespian86

I lost it. Cracked me up.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

JumpinJesus

What's wrong with witty wordplay?

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

shesus

Me.

People who beep when they are backing up or going through a theft detector device at a store.

Person A "How are you?"
Person B "Pretty good"
Person A "Well, I don't know about good, but you sure are pretty."

What do you call a cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese.
(Sorry JJ, I love you madly, but it'll never be funny. )

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Plan9

Them: "You were in the army, ever kill anybody?"

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ratbastid

Rip Taylor