Bad jokes.thread
 

Bring out yer dead, bring out yer dead...jokes that is.

I'll get us started.


A guy breaks his arms and goes to the doctor to get casts on. He asks the doctor "Doc will I be able to play the piano when I get the casts off?" The doctor says "Of course you can." The man is elated and says "That's great, I couldn't before."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"





I'm sorry for that one.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Heres one to say on a skiing trip.

You know what, the first time I went skiing I broke a leg. :(
Thank god it wasn't mine! :)

A woman is travelling home in a taxi after a night out.
When she reaches her destination she realises she hasn't any money.
The taxi driver says "That will be £7.50, please"
She explains the situation, and rolls up her mini skirt to reveal her beaver, and says "will this do?"
The taxi driver replies..."Haven't you got anything smaller"!!!!!

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

So... A baby seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, "Gimme two drinks. One for me and one for the road."


A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender exclaims, "We don't serve food in here."

I love these types of jokes

What has two legs and bleeds?






Half a dog.

What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble getting through revolving doors?






A nun with a spear through her head

A baby seal walks into a club.

Oops, got another one.


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?




Because it was tied to the first one.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?




Peer pressure.


-----


What's red, blue, and fucks little boys?









Roses, Violets and Michael Jackson.

Q: What's blue...and doesn't fit?
A: Adead epileptic

Q:What have Santa Claus and Michael Jackson got in common....
A: They both like to empty their sack on chidrens beds!!!......(allegedly)

A tied up piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartenders says, "We don't serve string here. Are you a piece of string?"
The string replies, "'Fraid knot."

Two atoms are walking side by side. One says to the other "Oh dear, I seem to have lost an electron!"

The second atom, worried for the first, replies "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

Bear walks into a bar and says,
"I'll have a gin and..."

"...tonic please."

The bartender looks at him strangely and says,
"Sure. But why the huge pause?"

Bear looks at him quizzically.
"Dunno, always had 'em"


Boom boom, thank you ladies and gentlemen.

A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk
"Got any gwapes?"
The clerk replies
"No, we don't got any gwapes"
The duck leaves.
He comes back the next day and asks the same thing
"Got any gwapes?"
"No we aint got any gwapes"
Once again, the duck asks
"Got any gwapes?"
"No we dont got any gwapes and if you ask again I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor."
The duck then comes back the next day
"Got any staples?"
"No we dont have any staples"
Duck then asks
"Good. Got any gwapes?"

Ugh, so long and painful but I had to get it out, my friend says it every time I see them.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?


Tiger knows how to pick a driver.

the best jokes are the unpredictable ones.. like the nun 1..

LOL :lol:
these aren't bad, they're hilarious!

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was "The Wall".......


ok I'll stop now.