gamefreak1398

A friend of mine recently told me that he hasn't heard a really good joke in a long time.

So I was wondering... What's the funniest joke you've ever heard? Something that's made you literally laugh uncontrollably on the floor.

Got any like that?

actually doesn't erally matter if it's not rofl funny but something around that caliber

cameroncrazy822

What's the funniest joke you've ever heard gfreak?

Mine goes like this:

What would Princess Di being doing right now if she were alive?
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Scratching at the roof of her casket.


CLASSIC!!

Poppinjay

A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

simulacrality

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A Few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really Incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

LoganSnake

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked Her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do Was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Halx

What's got 4 legs and an arm?
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A doberman in a playground.

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You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

KellyC

I find the funniest jokes are the impromptu ones between my friends and me.

A friend named Dang, who is quite large (6'2" and around 300 lbs), asked another friend to wipe his ass for him as a joke. The guy replied, "sure just give me a mop and two hours."



Roar of laughter from everyone. Dang was a good sport, he was laughing his ass off too.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

cameroncrazy822

What has two arms and three legs?
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halx

Zipperhead

There's this blonde girl driving a convertible sports car a little too fast down the highway when she gets pulled over by a police car.

Who should step out of the police car but a female, blonde cop.

The cop walks up to the blonde in the sports car and says "Hi. I noticed you were going a little fast back there. Can I see your driver's license?"

The blonde grabs her purse and rummages around for a minute and then looks at the cop and says "um, what does it look like?"

The cop says "It's a little square thing and it has your picture on it."

The blonde looks back in her purse and spots a little square compact mirror. She pulls it out and looks at it. Sure enough, right there in the middle is her face.

She hands it to the police officer. The cop takes a look at it and immediately hands it back.

"Oh, you're free to go. I didn't know you were a cop."

Redlemon

I love jokes that end abruptly, like the one above. Jokes that make you say "wait, the punchline is here already?"

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

telekinetic

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?





One.

bhamv

In that case, did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Willravel

Are dead baby jokes still against the rules?

Martian

1) A priest, a rabbi and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'What is this? Some kind of a joke?'

2) A skeleton walks into a bar and says 'Give me a beer and a mop.'

3) A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to his genitals. A fellow barfly says 'hey buddy, y'know you got a wheel thing going on there?'

The pirate replies 'arrrgh, it's driving me nuts!'

Pick one. Or don't. I have more.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Brewmaniac

In the mid 70's Tony Randle(Felix Unger from The Odd Couple) was on the Johnny Carson show and told this to Johnny.
What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?



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Age!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

cameroncrazy822

I hear ya.... I have a really good one as well.

... keep hope alive Will

Halx

Dead baby jokes are against the rules?

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Baraka_Guru

Apparently, the "world's funniest joke" is this one:
I have to admit it made me laugh. Is it the funniest? I don't know. I'm not sure there is such a thing. A joke's power depends on context, delivery, and the mood of the listener. But, yeah, this one's funny.

Here is the runner-up:

Also funny.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

guy44

Wow, I can't believe no one has posted this yet:

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troit

"Why did the kid put ice cubes in his Dad's bed?'

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"He wanted a "COLD POP"....

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I've yet to dephile myself...

Merlocke

It has to be told just right otherwise it bombs...

There's a line up in heaven as it's getting quite full. St. Peter says to the crowds, "I'm sorry but heaven is full for today. Unless you've had a particularly bad death, please come back tomorrow."

Everyone leaves but 3 men. Who await patiently at the gate. St. Peter acknowledges them saying, "Alright, let's hear your story."

The first guy goes, "Ok, I've been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for some time, so I came home early to catch her in the act. When I get home, I don't see anyone else there but I just have this feeling that there's still someone there so I look around the apartment more. All of a sudden, I notice someone on my balcony who's all hot and sweaty. That has to be him! I rush him and start punching him for all I'm worth and manage to throw him off the balcony. I look down and he's still alive so in my rage, I grabbed my refrigerator and throw it out the window at him. I'm so stressed out and angry at that moment, I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter then says, "Yeah, that's a pretty bad death, and if you've made it this far, you deserve to make it in today." And he lets the first guy in.

The second guy then starts his story, "Ok, I work out on my balcony every day. Push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, etc. Well today was a particularly slippery day outside, and I slipped an fell during my workout. Luckily I managed to grab the railing of a balcony a few floors beneath mine, but all of a sudden this crazy guy comes at me out of nowhere and starts hitting me! I'm still pretty tired from my workout, frazzled from my fall, and can't defend myself, so the guy throws me off of the balcony. Miraculously I land without breaking anything but before I can get up out of the bushes, I look up and I see a fridge..."

St Peter welcomes the 2nd guy in as the 3rd guy begins his story.
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"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a fridge..."

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

Brewmaniac

Back in High school we all new a guy that was a gearhead and one night he was racing down the frontage road. He gets in a fiery crash and is burned in various parts off his body his worst area is his face especially his eyelids. They try skin graphs from various parts of his body, but they don't take. They eventually try the forskin from his penis and that works perfectly. The only problem is he's a little cock eyed!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Leto

How does your dog smell?


Awful

Brewmaniac

CHICKEN WIRE

Enjoying the sun rise, an old man sat on his front porch down in Louisiana. As he glanced up the road, the neighbor's kid walked by carrying something big under his arm.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy returns and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy returns and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy carrying a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"