loquitur

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.



Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.



"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."



Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.



"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"



He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...



"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

lotsofmagnets

/me giggles

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Willravel

Ha! A dirty Cinderella joke. +10 points

SSJTWIZTA

nicely done.

i got a real kick out of that one.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Brewmaniac

Very clever! Thanks

__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

newtx

Should have seen that one coming. Good one.

RetroGunslinger

Oh bravo, I'm using that one. It feels so classy yet so dirty at the same time.

__________________
It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene

speshul-k

Not expecting the ending either. Kudos! +

solo

? i don't get it...can somebody elaborate?

Willravel

I love explaining jokes. The gentleman was playing off of the fairy-tale Cinderella, where a pumpkin was transformed into a carriage. What he was suggesting with his retort was that the pumpkin was a woman until midnight.

Crack

Copypasta:

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice.

"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other."

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

uncle phil

hehe...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

solo

oooh clever...haha