New Priest - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Tully Mars · 05-18-2008, 11:36 AM

This has been around forever, so it's likely on here somewhere but I didn't see it. So...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the
shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was
knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his
ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the
'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last
supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my
body.' He did not say ' Eat me' .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary
with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is
not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling
contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's

Psycho Dad · 05-18-2008, 01:04 PM

Oldie but a goodie.

SSJTWIZTA · 05-20-2008, 08:56 PM

oh thats nice.

number 7 got me good. i like it way better than the original.

uncle phil · 05-23-2008, 03:43 PM

say hallelujiah...

xepherys · 06-13-2008, 06:32 AM

Heard it before... happy to hear it again. Thanks!

blktour · 06-13-2008, 12:06 PM

MARY WITH THE CHERRY!!! HAHAHA. That actually made me laugh!

05-18-2008, 11:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
Tully Mars Living in a Warmer Insanity Super Moderator Location: Yucatan, Mexico	New Priest This has been around forever, so it's likely on here somewhere but I didn't see it. So... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me' . 12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's __________________ I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

05-18-2008, 01:04 PM	#2 (permalink)
Psycho Dad Mulletproof Location: Some nucking fut house.	Oldie but a goodie. __________________ Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

05-20-2008, 08:56 PM	#3 (permalink)
SSJTWIZTA Master Thief. Master Criminal. Masturbator. Location: Windiwana	oh thats nice. number 7 got me good. i like it way better than the original. __________________ First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me. -Pastor Martin Niemoller

05-23-2008, 03:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	say hallelujiah... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

06-13-2008, 06:32 AM	#5 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	Heard it before... happy to hear it again. Thanks! __________________ The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible... -- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato My Homepage

06-13-2008, 12:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
blktour Psycho Location: Anchorage, AK	MARY WITH THE CHERRY!!! HAHAHA. That actually made me laugh!