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This has been around forever, so it's likely on here somewhere but I didn't see it. So...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the
shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was
knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his
ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the
'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last
supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my
body.' He did not say ' Eat me' .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary
with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is
not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling
contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's