grumpyolddude

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.




2) Drink a cup of coffee.




3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.







Money spent:

Oil Change:

$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========




Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.







2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.







3) Open a beer and drink it.







4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.







5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.







6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.







7) Place drain pan under engine.







8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.







9) Give up and use crescent wrench.







10) Unscrew drain plug.







11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.







12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.







13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.







14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.







15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.




16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.







17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.







18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.







19) Remember drain plug from step 11.







20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.21) Drink beer.







22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.







23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.







24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.







25) Begin cussing fit.







26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.







27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.







28) Beer.







29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.







30) Beer.







31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.







32) Beer.







33) Lower car from jack stands.







34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.







35) Beer.







36) Test drive car.







37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.







38) Car gets impounded.







39) Call loving wife, make bail.







40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.







Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.0 0
But you know the job was done right!

__________________
"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

vanblah

Unless you're my wife ... in which case you wait at least a year and 8000 miles since the last oil change.

Psycho Dad

I drink more beer than that during an oil change.

__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

LoganSnake

I've never changed my oil. After Jiffy Lube told me to eff off (after 2.5 years of changing my oil), I started using a local station.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Baraka_Guru

Wait, you have to change the oil in cars?

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

smoore

Good one! I swear I could change the oil in my jeep in my sleep by now though... wait, I'm offended!

__________________
smoore

Crack

qft

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

genuinegirly

hehe. Now that's pretty silly - and the woman is smart! Way to go!
My daddy taught me to change the oil and filter in my car.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

MSD

Of course, you're the one who can make jokes about whether or not the oil has to be changed (if you have the I6 4.0) You can literally (as in, I've heard firsthand accounts of seeing it done) run the engine dry, run it with no oil until it seizes up, change the filter and put in 6 fresh quarts, pop the pistons loose with a breaker bar, and start it right back up. One of the most durable engines ever made, too bad everyone who has one is lubricating the earth one drop of leaked oil at a time.

blahblah454

Yea but MSD that would be kind of a pain in the ass if it seized on you in the middle of nowhere.

And that sounds about good, except for the DUI.